CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!
By Bert Howerly

Once there was the bubonic plague. Now tuberculosis is spreading here like wildfire, thanks to Dracula's asylum-seeking cousins, as well as these creatures of the night keeping bringing us AIDS. But never mind about our health. Human Rights legislation demands that we must not disallow asylum seekers from bringing death into the country. But what's a health hazard between friends anyway! And why not let the buggers turn the nation into a slumland like their own? It is their human right to do so. To ensure they arrive in sufficient numbers, some asylum seekers come here with their entire blood-line; one member invariably with a bun in the oven to spawn another of their leeching stock. But be grateful all you lucky folk, because huge council tax rises next year will allow you the privilege of paying that little something extra towards the upkeep of the grisly buggers.

The Daily Mail reports that the average asylum seeker's family already receives handouts of £16,000 a year. And this is apart from payments they receive from moonlighting employment and multiple benefit claims under different aliases. And have you noticed how many Post Offices are being closed down nowadays? But have pity on our hapless guests being caused inconvenience in cashing in those huge giro payments big enough to furnish entire houses with; and with enough left over for a visit to the second-hand car dealer. As far as the festive spirit is concerned, councils have kicked off by forbidding Christmas nativity scenes. Red Cross shops are doing likewise, as well as banning the selling of Christmas cards, Christmas trees, and decorations with Christian symbols, in case it may offend Muslims or other non-Christians.

And a library that banned the display of posters promoting Christmas services for fear of offending other religions hosted a party to celebrate a Muslim festival only days earlier. Christian imagery has even been banished from cards sent out by the Department for Culture. Expect a visit from the three Christmas ghosts this year, you verminous traitors! But perhaps next year Christmas will be cancelled altogether as a mark of respect to those leeching gremlins! In the meantime, anyone got a spare space shuttle to send some of them into orbit for a few thousand years? Or as a special treat, maybe missile them to some distant planet to screw up at their hearts content. That should keep them busy for a while. Anyway, Merry Christmas folks, while it still exists.