WORDS OF WISDOM

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Try and look unimportant - they may be short of ammo.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a punctured tyre.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

What if life is a joke and we don't get it?

Why is what you don't do always more important than what you do do?

Why is it that luck usually seems to favour the people who don't need it?

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Its better to keep one's mouth shut and appear stupid than open in and remove all doubts.

The mark of an educated mind is to be able to entertain a thought without having to accept it.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

Think negative, and you've already failed.

Isn't the hardest thing in life knowing which bridges to cross and which to burn?

Aren't the only losers in life, the ones who never tried in the beginning?

Is it possible that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, who is the fool that said 'quit while you're ahead'?

Why is it that whenever you let the cat out of the bag you usually wind up in the dog house?

Why can't we put all our eggs into one basket? Isn't this just being more efficient?

If the pen is mightier than the sword then how can actions speak louder than words?

If you think your indecisive how can you be sure?

Is a conclusion simply the place where you got tired of thinking?

Would you have to think twice before giving something a second thought?

Why is it that the harder you try to think the more difficult it is?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

There are two theories to arguing with women....neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Why is nothing as easy as it looks?

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Why is what you don't do is always more important than what you do do?

Why is nothing as good as it was before?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

If something was worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?