WEATHER

Our weather forecasters are among the best in the world, able to differentiate between drizzle and showers and frequently advise of "a 50% chance" of rain. In other words, "it might rain, it might not", much more scientific than guess-work. More than two hours of rain results in floods while two weeks without, ensures drought conditions. Although it rains almost every day we are told to conserve water because the rain we get falls in the wrong place! Road surfaces melt in the sun and crack due to frost in winter, while rail services are all but suspended if snow is forecast. The temperature is no guide to how cold it is either, due to the 'Wind-Chill Factor' - take away the biting wind and it's really quite warm.

According to a leading meteorological expert we’ve already had more weather this year than in the last three years put together. Latest figures show that Cloud Bank Shift is up by a record 4% as are Sunshine Penetration Units. And that’s not all. Last winter saw an unprecedented rise in Sleet Downput with Surface Slush Factor soaring by a whopping 72%! In fact, almost all weather behaviour patterns have increased and in some cases almost doubled. We spoke to weather expert Suzanne Fish. "Weather is rife just now," she told us. "You name it, we’re getting it. And there’s more to come, so don’t put away your sun cream, umbrellas or snowshoes just yet."

However, Suzanne stressed that the 6.2% extra rainfall that we've been experiencing is, in fact, the wrong kind of rain. "It’s not been the sort that fills reservoirs so I’m afraid we must prepare ourselves for the standpipes once again." So what is causing this current weather surplus? Suzanne explains, "There are several theories. One suggests that a slight gravitational increase means that more weather is being sucked down from the stratosphere. Another popular theory is that the hole in the ozone layer has somehow slipped down from the North Pole and is now hovering over a point just north of Grimsby. However, the most likely explanation is the Faulty-Barometer-At-The-London-Weather-Centre-Theory. I’m not entirely convinced but, I must admit, we do forget to tap it sometimes."

How long is this spell likely to last? "Weather booms are very unpredictable so make the most of it while you can," Suzanne urged us. "The last weather recession, back in 1973, lasted for over three years and we all remember how depressing that was." Suzanne, who’s hobbies include gardening, knitting and drinking, makes another startling claim. "Although wind speed has only been affected slightly, hurricanes are occurring much more frequently, especially when we're not expecting them. Everyone used to be preoccupied with the ‘Greenhouse Effect’, now the worrying issue is what effect the high winds will have on greenhouses."

"I, for one, am replacing my existing panels with special ones made from toughened glass, before it’s too late," she added. As for the forecast, Suzanne told us that according to her pine cone there was a 150% risk of widespread snow reaching all parts of Britain by lunchtime, but she couldn’t pinpoint in which month.

Transport ministers have been told that Britains roads will break up in a heatwave (like, we didn't know?). Apparently, dry summers and wet winters have undermined foundations and officials at the Department of Transport have warned of shrinking, subsidence and severe cracking on the network. In 2003, millions were spent repairing drought-hit roads in the South East and East of England but it is feared another hot summer could spread damage across the country. A senior transport source said, "The Government has a duty to keep roads in a good state of repair but the amount of funding needed to do this is going up and up." But so are our taxes. It's now official then - Britains road surfaces are not designed for the British climate.

The Met Office is celebrating 150 years by unveiling a new supercomputer which they predict will put them at the forefront of weather forecasting. The new system will allow meterologists to provide more accurate advice to the government and the public in the face of increasingly extreme weather patterns and is one of the most sophisticated in Europe. It allows forecasters to track weather patterns across the world, from a massive dust storm to a single cloud. Such technology makes it easy to forget how far forecasting has come, the Met Office says.

It was the invention of the telegraph that allowed the rapid collation of weather observations across large areaswhich, in turn, allowed forecasters first to chart, and then predict weather patterns. The Met Office, which started using these methods to provide a storm warning service for sailors, now processes 100,000 million pieces of data every day in its computer models, with considerable commerical spin-offs. In hot weather, demand for wasp killer increases by up to 500% and leg wax sales go up more than 10-fold, information that supermarkets are happy to pay for.