TRICK OR TREAT?
By Tony Parsons

Something in our national spirit recoils at the prospect of Hallowe'en and all this hideous event stands for. The belligerent begging; the spiteful, petty vandalism; the intrusion of leering strangers banging on your front door when your own granny wouldn't dream of turning up unannounced. This ritual is an excuse for institutionalised begging from hairy-armed thugs who can hardly be bothered to remove their hooded tops, let alone take the trouble of donning fancy dress. And at least real beggars accept the possibility of refusal. The cretins who come calling will not take no (or a boiled sweet) for an answer.

The British can't do Hallowe'en. In America there are no acts of bullying and vandalism on Hallowe'en because Americans have got guns. You chuck an egg at someone's front door in Detroit or Dallas and you are taking your miserable life in your hands. In America, Halloween is for the little ones. It's just like ET, all the little tiddlers dressed up as ghouls and ghosties, and smiling adults pretending to be afraid. In Britain, the little ones rule the streets for about 15 minutes and then make way for the acne-pocked mob.

The irony is that we have ditched a genuinely British festival because it was deemed too dangerous for our squeaky-clean, safety-conscious age. Like millions of other Brits, I grew up with the whiff of gunpowder in my nostrils. The thwarting of Guy Fawkes is what we should be celebrating at this time of year. Sparklers, rockets, bangers, Catherine wheels and jumping jacks - this is our culture, not some hooded youth banging on the door of some cowering pensioner.

Last year in Dorset - Dorset! - the police were called to investigate more than a hundred Hallowe'en-related crimes, including criminal damage, arson and threatening behaviour. On Merseyside, 50 of Knowsley's leading yobbos are being taken to Alton Towers for a day out in the vain hope that they will be knackered by the time night falls on Friday. What a fine way to tackle anti-social behaviour, take the little bastards to a theme park.

The government talks a lot about tackling yob culture and then does nothing at all to stem a night that promotes and encourages the worst kind of boorish behaviour. Sooner or later someone is going to get seriously hurt. The plague of burglary eventually produced Tony Martin, the householder who refused to take any more. How long before Hallowe'en produces its own Tony Martin? How long before some hooded moron goes a little too far, or some harassed householder strikes back?

And then they will all be on our TV screens, the concerned politicians, the grim-faced Old Bill, the weepy relatives. But by then it will be too late. Trick or treat? Just try buying off the ponces with a Werther's Original and see what happens.

Police have closed down three young children's Hallowe'en pumpkin stall because they did not have a traders' licence. The kids wanted to raise money to buy costumes to go trick or treating, but two Police Community Support Officers pulled over and threatened them with a fine if they didn't shut up shop. They told them they were breaking the law by selling pumpkins without a licence. (Source: Ananova, Oct/07)