STUDENTS KITCHEN GUIDE

If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.

Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway...if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a mile radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

For other items, you know it's well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a ball, should be disposed of very carefully.

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

It's generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it's two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

Salt never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They'll be fine on your shelf, forever. (Put them in your will.)

If your grandmother made the vinegar, it's probably still good.

A properly balanced meal consists of meat, beer and one or fewer vegetable ingredients. The permitted vegetables are instant mashed potato or frozen peas.

Taking any active part in food preparation is called "cooking". This may include choosing the pizza toppings, phoning the order to the curry house and putting the frozen lasagne into the microwave.

The complete list of allowable BBQ foods is Beer, Hamburgers, Sausages, Steak, Ketchup and Bread. But not too much bread.

Food does not age when put in the fridge. In future, people seeking the secret of eternal life will spend years in their fridges, wrapped in cling-film.

It stands to reason that if a food is full of preservatives, then the consumer who eats it will also age slower, and remain healthier for longer.

Always be ready to entertain unexpected guests. In the fridge keep plenty of beer.

The correct place for dirty pots, pans and plates is in artistic and precarious piles in the sink, on tables, benches and chairs, on top of the T.V, on the floor or in the garden. In each pile the smallest item should always form the base.

The correct time to wash dirty plates is right before you next want to use them.

Evil things from months ago lurk in the back of food cupboards and fridges. Never explore the dark reaches beyond the warm, comforting light that plays on the (relatively) recently bought items in the front.

Whatever is going on in the back should be left alone.

Everything tastes better fried.

Food dropped on the floor is best cleaned by holding it carefully and blowing on it. This works regardless of what was on the boots you wore in the kitchen yesterday, where your dog went last night and whether or not you ever turned on a vacuum cleaner.

The ultimate aim of cooking is to use only one pot in the process, and that pot should be a frying pan.

The correct procedure to follow whenever anything goes wrong is to order pizza. The list of possible things going wrong includes failure to buy food, tiredness, rain, visitors, or a lack of visitors. It's amazing how much can go wrong.

Cleaning the cooking scraps out of the pot you last used last week ruins the flavour of the meal you try to cook in the same pot tonight. Better to just use it anyway.

Cooking the food is easy. Eating it afterwards is the hard part.

Expiry dates are not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods, older than you are, need replacing. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.