LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WORLD
By Bert Howerly

Hardly a week goes by without yet another scandal about asylum seekers. Yes, it's our old gremlin friends again causing us yet more woe. Now it has emerged that staffing of the NHS is rife with failed asylum seekers. Well, the government has to make amends for failing their applications in the first place, now doesn't it? Never mind about giving our own people employment. Let's give it to our illegal brethren instead. Indeed, why not just transfer ownership of all our hospitals over to them while we're at it, or even the freehold to the entire country! With regard to the proposed housing of asylum seekers on ships while their applications for asylum are being processed, why not put them on the Flying Dutchman? It's a good, reliable, sturdy ship that has endured the centuries.

We could let them steer the ship for all eternity, or even longer! Perhaps for their amusement, even supply them with their own personalised talking Long John Silver rubber parrots to perch on their shoulders, merrily squawking their favourite chant: "DSS!" "DSS!" Still, I expect they'd become a little homesick after a while, wherever home is supposed to be on their forged passports. An exchange between some of our veteran World War II refugees and a bunch of Eastern Bloc hillbillies has even been rumoured. So you golden oldies, collect your sheep shearing kits and hand in your pension books at the Post Office. You won't be needing them anymore. What we need is more of those morally handicapped Eastern Bloc bandits to drive our country back to the Stone Age, with an Albanian Captain Kirk at the helm.

How about even giving them their own television programme called “Shoot Thy Neighbour,” their accepted method of pest control. Or maybe let them give creative shoplifting classes; or perhaps even a weapon making course for beginners. Then watch as they “Hi ho” their way to the kebab shops along high streets littered with discarded DSS confirmation letters granting child benefit payments to childless asylum seekers. But whatever you do, don't miss next year's big event in May when 'benefit tourists' from the ten new EU member nations will flood over here like scavenging rats. Neanderthal nationals from the likes of Estonia and Slovenia will shackle themselves to the benefits system like bloodsucking leeches, and will never let go.

To release ourselves from such evil predicaments, we desperately need a change of government willing to address the nation's needs. From a once proud land, we have been reduced to being the laughing stock of the world. This has to change, not just for our sake, but also for the future of our children; for before we know it the future will be upon us. Do not let idle inaction result in a bitter epilogue for our nation.