Does Santa really exist? Well .....
No known species of reindeer can fly, BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen). There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world, BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each household.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about an average of 0.78 miles between each household, a total trip of 75,500,000 miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second and a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, Santa could not do the job with eight or even nine reindeer. Santa needs 214,200 reindeer! This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the ship the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a space craft re-entering the earth's atmosphere is heated up. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy! Per second! Each! In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and will create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

More than 195 primary school heads across the UK voted to keep traditional festive fun in a poll and 95% of schools quizzed said they were determined to celebrate the birth of Christ with a Nativity play. It came after Nativity plays, religious cards, lights and even Santa have been axed in case they offend non-Christians. One head teacher told market researchers Winmark, “There are instances of political correctness gone mad. Schools should teach the true meaning of religious festivals.”

Another added, “It’s important to emphasis the Christ in Christmas.” Pollsters also quizzed primary school children on their understanding of Christmas and 74% knew it was about the birth of Jesus. Researcher Peter Attwell said, “Children have a better understanding of Christmas than jobsworths who have tried to ban it.” Neville Aithwaite said, “Other religions are not complaining, so why should we stop celebrating Christmas just because some bureaucrat says so?”

The politically-correct busy bodies are out to destroy Christmas. They are accusing us Christians in our Christian country of flaunting our religion in the faces of those with other faiths and beliefs. Why should we Christians have to defend Christmas to those PC zombies who fear that we might be upsetting other creeds who have brought their religion to this country? We are not offended by them celebrating their holy days, so why should they be offended by us celebrating our most important day in the Christian calendar?

These pathetic windbags, who would have us take Christ out of Christmas and ban nativity plays in our schools, should realize that many have fought and died for the right of free speech and worship. Christmas is also for the children, who will hold the memories of those wonderful Christmas days all of their lives. Why do some want to spoil it for them? What sad childhoods these spoilsports must have had. Keith Furnival

Badly behaved and scruffy-looking Santas are to be outlawed under a code of conduct being laid down by the British Santa Association. Concerned by falling standards among performers, the blueprint is one of the first exercises to be undertaken by the newly-formed association. James Lovell, from The Ministry of Fun, an entertainment production company that is behind the association, said he is concerned that the number of Father Christmas grottos is falling.

He said, "Bookings for grottos are down by about 30% and we believe the best way to enjoy seeing Santa is in his grotto. Through the association we want to hold regular meetings and discuss relevant matters. A blueprint might sound mad but it is necessary and will be practical. I don't want to see a shoddy beard and Santas wearing trainers."

Mr Lovell said he was horrified to see a Santa smoking a cigarette once. "That, quite simply, should not be allowed," he said. "We aim to put Santa back on the High Street as regularly as possible and in grottos everywhere and to do that we are trying to ensure that the role is portrayed as magically and wonderfully as possible."

The first item the 16 members all agreed on is that the length of Santa's beard should now be no longer than six inches. Other issues to be clarified and confirmed in due course include how to say Merry Christmas in several different languages, the need to know the name of all eight reindeer and how the perfect Ho, Ho, Ho should sound. (Source: BBC News)

Bosses at the Eden Project tourist attraction have banned the word Christmas because they're worried it will offend followers of other faiths. Management have renamed Christmas “Time of Gifts” and a gift shop at the site has been re-named the Great Gift Grotto.

Staff have been told to stop visitors saying Christmas. Eden Project spokesman Ben Harding said, “We are having a seasonal celebration so there is no need to mention the word Christmas because it’s a celebration for everybody.”

But Peter Kearney, spokesman for the Catholic Church, said the ban was a “slap in face to Christians across the Britain”. He said, “They claim they do not want to offend religious groups but in fact they offend the majority of people in this country who do want to celebrate Christmas.”

A report by Waveney Council, based in Lowestoft, Suffolk, said that because celebrations focus on the Christian faith, paying for lights "does not fit well with the council's core values of equality and diversity". But Waveney Council leader Mark Bee insisted the cut was for economic reasons. He said, "I do not know why the equality and diversity wording was used."

Council officials in Havant, Hants, banned the word 'Christmas' and Santa’s grotto from its shopping centre, claiming people of other faiths could be offended. The annual £5,000 display of Christmas lights partly funded by local businesses, is being renamed the “Festival of Lights” while Santa’s grotto was branded a “fire risk”. (Source: The Sun)

Education chiefs warned teachers that Santa Claus could terrify kids and said nervous pupils must be near a door when he visits, so they can run away. The advice appeared on the Government website www.teachernet.gov.uk which also said panto can be traumatic “so the same planning applies”. And party games should not make the losing kids feel they have ... lost.

Next >>>