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IT CAN BE DONE
National Crime Squad Assistant Chief Constable Patricia Gallan was viciously mugged and kicked to the floor outside her home by two thugs who ran off with her handbag. The attack happened in east London at around 12.30am on a Saturday and two men appeared at Redbridge Magistrates Court in Essex two days later charged with robbery. If only all muggings were dealt with this swiftly.
NO BIG BUSES
Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, said, "I would like to make it clear that I have absolutely no plans whatsoever to introduce 25m triple-length bendy buses to London." That means it will happen soon.
VERY APT
After 41 years as a gravedigger, John Long was given a spade as a retirement present in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk.
£106M
The cost of protecting London in the wake of the 7/7 bombings.
SPERM DONORS MAY WITHDRAW
According to a Daily Mirror newspaper report, sperm donors will lose their £15-a-time fee from 2006, but can still claim expenses. However, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority believes donors should be paid up to £250 to compensate for lost income. When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers over the years....
THE BLEEDIN' OBVIOUS
Dr Ciaran Simms and Professor Desmond O'Neill, from Trinity College Dublin, have said large four-wheel-drive cars are more deadly than normal cars and, to highlight the increased dangers they pose to pedestrians, they should come with warnings similar to those found on cigarette packets. A study in the US (where else?) recently found that, for the same collision speed, the likelihood of a pedestrian dying was nearly doubled in a crash with a large vehicle compared with a normal passenger car.
BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS
Penelope Leach, of the Wageslave Motherhood Movement, has admitted that placing small children in nurseries can be bad for them. This recent discovery has been blindingly obvious to most people for years - that children should be brought up by their own mothers where possible. She said research showed the need for 'developmentally appropriate high-quality childcare'. Translation: Your own mother.
RIPPING-OFF TAXPAYERS
David Blunkett is to crack down on benefit fraud. What about government ministers who quit their jobs with payoffs and then, a few months later, come back in other posts?
OFFICIALDOM GONE MAD
Helen Edwards parked her car in a disabled parking bay in Ipswich, but got a £30 parking fine because her "disabled" badge was upside down. Ipswich Council promised to investigate. (Source:
The People)
       

 

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TV LICENCE FEE INCREASE
BBC chiefs have asked for an inflation-busting increase in the TV licence fee. They want a seven-year blitz of annual rises to take the charge to £180 by claiming extra money is needed to fund the switch to digital telly and pay for new programmes. Services such as BBC3, BBC4 and some of the digital radio stations that people just aren't watching or listening to. All households with TVs must have a licence, even if they are used to view only non-BBC stations, like BSkyB. But for years the BBC has stated it needs the licence fee because it doesn't receive any revenue from advertisers as ITV and other commercial stations do. So why do we have to pay for Sky, which is packed with commercials?

GUILTY UNTIL FOUND INNOCENT
Tony Blair vowed to end the tradition of being presumed innocent until found guilty and pledged to hand police sweeping new powers. He promised fixed penalty notices for ANY crime, forcing suspects to prove their innocence in court. But this already happens when you bring alcohol or tobacco through Customs. And motorists caught by speed cameras have been treated like this for years.

INTIMIDATION BY TERROISM
Nearly 30 builders and decorators have received threatening letters from animal rights activists warning them not to work for Oxford University. Signed by the Animal Liberation Front (ALF), the letters tell the firms that work for the university, which is building new research laboratories where tests on animals will be carried out, will be done "at your peril". Robin Webb, a spokesman for the ALF and other militant animal rights groups, said, "If they are supplying Oxford University in any way and through that helping the progress of the proposed facility then they can be considered a target." A police spokesman said, "It is just not acceptable to act in a way which intimidates other people and threatens their livelihood." They could start with investigating Mr Webb and his associates.

SCHOOLS ARE DIFFERENT NOW
The headmaster of the boarding school where John Peel, the late disc jockey, claimed he was sexually abused said he was "greatly disturbed" by the revelations but insisted that such behaviour does not occur today. "This just could not happen nowadays and the welfare of every individual in the school is paramount," he said. "Many public schools during the 1960s and 1970s underwent a complete transformation. The tradition in which senior boys were allowed too much power over junior boys has just disappeared."

SUED BY NETWORK RAIL
Heidi Beerensson, an 81-year-old charity worker, is being sued by Network Rail for more than £150,000 who claim she caused delays to three trains after she crashed her car at a level crossing. The company raised the action in the same week it was fined £3.5 million for safety failures which led to the Hatfield train crash in 2000, where four died and 102 were injured. Management want the pensioner to pay £156,960 to cover the cost of penalties they incurred for late trains. They also want £600 to pay for the safety inspection which was carried out at the level crossing immediately after the accident, and they are even claiming a further £2.50 which they say they were charged for getting Miss Beerensson’s address from DVLA. Miss Beerensson said, “I have held a driving licence for 53 years and never had so much as a parking offence.” Might as well go out on a biggy, eh?

PARENTS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE THEN?
As it emerged Tony Blair wants to create Basbos, baby anti-social behaviour orders, to curb Britain's youngest yobs, a boy of nine held a carving knife to the face of terrified five-year-old, and threatened to kill him. Police traced the thug but he is too young to be prosecuted. They said the attacker was "spoken to" after admitting threatening behaviour and he may have to sign an anti-social behaviour contract. The NSPCC said it viewed Basbos with "extreme caution" as they drew children into the criminal justice system.

TEA, COFFEE, A MILLION DOLLARS?
A guest who booked into the five-star Jumeirah Carlton Tower in London, found his room safe stuffed with a million dollars which had been left by absent-minded company executives who had just checked out. It was discovered when the new guest had trouble getting the safe open and had to ring security.

SOME DON'T WANT TO BE HELPED
A council that expelled a boy for taking a knife into class was fined more than £10,000 for "failing" to find him another school. The ruling by the Local Government Ombudsman includes a £5,000 payment to the boy's mother to compensate her for "the anxiety and uncertainty she has suffered". The 15-year-old boy was initially excluded for five days when he was 13 for fighting. A further three-day suspension followed a month later, again for fighting.

Three months later he was given a further suspension for using a knife belonging to the school to rip pages from a classmate's book. The head teacher decided to expel the pupil after a craft knife, which the boy brought into the school and passed to another pupil, was used to threaten younger children. The council offered him a place at a pupil referral unit, which he began to attend, but his mother argued that it was "his right to attend another mainstream school."

A place then became available at another school but the boy was not willing to go there. John Dunford, the general secretary of the Secondary Heads Association, said, "This pupil has brought misfortune on himself and he needs to demonstrate that he is fit to return to a mainstream school. There should be no automatic assumption that this is his right when the record suggests that his actions could be a danger to others."

HYPOCRITE MOORS MURDERER
Ian Brady tried to block a TV drama about his crimes by claiming it will hurt his victims' families. Brady wrote to Granada demanding they pull the programme, See No Evil but TV bosses said they have the full backing of the families of his victims, after working with them on the production and research for the programme for the last two years. They said they do not need Brady's permission to make the programme. Brady is a hypocrite seeing as he wrote a book about the murders, The Gates of Janus.

FOOTBALL FAN SUES FOR BRAIN DAMAGE
A football fan plans to sue her club after she was hit in the face by a ball. Burnley FC season ticket holder Jean Mills said she has suffered blurred vision since the incident during a pre-season friendly. She said she was unhappy that the club had not said sorry. Mrs Mills said, "I had got up just before half-time to get some refreshments and the ball hit me in the face. I had a blinding headache afterwards and when I woke up the next morning, I couldn't see at all." After several appointments with doctors and opticians, she was told she had not suffered any permanent damage. She added, "The optician told me it would take six months for my brain to settle down again." Only six months?

THE EU WANTS TO CUT BENEFITS
The European Union's competition commissioner, Neelie Kroes, has questioned the need for Europe's customary long summer holidays. She said Europe currently didn't function for three months in the summer, and that the economy would benefit if vacations were instead spread out through the year. The European Commission has been trying to get countries to consider reducing worker and social benefits, so as to compete better with emerging overseas economies such as China. What's that about a cat in hell?

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