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SORRY FOR GETTING FOUND OUT
York city councillor, Ann Reid, used her daughter's wedding convoy to test a system which allows 999 vehicles to trigger green traffic lights. The hi-tech equipment is designed to allow emergency services to respond quickly to incidents. It is understood engineers triggered nine sets of lights to get the vehicles to the ceremony. Cllr Reid said, "Trials of this system had shown it was difficult to track one ordinary car in heavy traffic, which is why it was felt that five cars would be easier to see. In hindsight, I do regret agreeing to help in this way." If it's 'difficult to track one ordinary car in heavy traffic' then there doesn't seem much point in having the system.

THE VOICE OF CONFIDENCE
Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt said Britain is one of the best prepared countries to deal with a human pandemic of bird flu should one occur. She was confident enough was being done and stressed the disease was "no direct threat" to humans yet. Famous last words.

LOST ON MANOEUVRES
A 9mm Sig Sauer automatic pistol, loaded with 13 rounds of blank ammunition, was left in a Sainsbury's toilet by an Army intelligence officer. Captain Alice Bromage, based at the HQ of the Army's Defence Intelligence and Security School, was caught short while on Army manoeuvres. She popped into the store to use its disabled toilet, removed her holster containing the gun and placed it on the cistern. It was not until she returned to her barracks in Chicksands, Beds, that she realised she had left the gun behind. A colleague dashed to the store in Hitchin, Herts, to reclaim the weapon but it had vanished. Police said the pistol could cause serious injury. Yes - it's a gun! A man was later arrested in connection with the disappearance of the gun and was held on suspicion of theft by finding. He was released without being charged. But why did Captain Alice Bromage use a disabled toilet?

PERFECT SOLDIERS
Engineer Mike Minton has calculated that the ideal width for a toast soldier should be 22mm. He explained, "There has always been a danger of cutting your soldiers too fat or too thin. If they are too fat then obviously they can't fit into the opened neck of the egg which is infuriating. But if the soldiers are too small then there's the risk of a catastrophic failure after they're dunked into the yolk. The simple act of withdrawing the soldier may cause it to break in half, forcing the person who is eating the egg to resort to a teaspoon." The solution? A hand-held toast perforator which pre-prepares the bread for easy post-toaster action. A year of development went into the "Perfect Soldier", which will go on sale soon for around £6.

NO, THIS ISN'T APRIL 1st
The EU plans to spend £10million to find out if 'happy fish' taste nicer.

Bath and North East Somerset Council is to create a £21,000-a-year Dormouse Conservation Officer to promote 'intellectual access' to dormice.

Shops and supermarkets in the Suffolk towns of Halesworth, Bungay, Beccles and Southwold are being guarded by £90 lifesize cardboard cut-outs of cops. But surely people will realise the guards are fake because they won't move. Then again....

BRITAIN IS THE WORLD'S DOORMAT
A failed asylum-seeker from Zimbabwe became a refugee only by making a fraudulent claim. But the Asylum and Immigration Tribunal found that, as a result of making his claim, he would be at risk if he were returned, and so cannot be deported. This means that anyone could come to Britain from Zimbabwe, make an unsuccessful claim for asylum, and then remain here as a refugee.

BRITISH JUSTICE
Anthony Larkins was mugged by two men, Stephen McNeilly and Martin Hughes armed with a claw hammer and a chair leg, as he went to leave a public lavatory near to Stockwood Park, Luton at approx 7.30pm. They robbed him of his money, wallet containing credit cards and his house keys, plus under duress with verbal threats to cut his throat, made him disclose his PIN number. They then made off on foot. Mr Larkins then got into his car and whilst driving to the police station to report the robbery saw the two men and followed so as to obtain a description to aid the police in their apprehension.

The two men stopped, turned and Mr Larkins was frightened for his life and as a result he drove, possibly, onto the pavement. One robber, Hughes, came into contact with his vehicle. This robber attended hospital the following day stating pains to his chest having been assaulted and kicked. The other robber, McNeilly, may have caught a glancing blow from the vehicle. Some 10 hours later McNeilly reported to the Luton and Dunstable Hospital alleging to have been hit by a vehicle whilst out walking and then walked home.

A fractured pelvis was diagnosed. Mr Larkins remained at the scene and immediately called for police and an ambulance, but the two men got away (with a fractured pelvis?) before the 999 services arrived. They left their weapons behind less than 2 metres from where the incident with the vehicle occurred. Both men finally pleaded guilty to theft WITH offensive weapons and were jailed for nine months each. The charge of carrying offensive weapons being kept 'open'.

It was established during the trial of Mr Larkins that the damage to his vehicle was not fully consistent with a pedestrian impact, areas of damage being as a result of the vehicle being attacked with a 'heavy object'. The speed of the vehicle was established, as no more than 23mph. At Mr Larkins trial, both of the robbers refused to give evidence but he was convicted at Luton Crown Court of dangerous driving. Judge Geoffrey Breen gave him a 14-month prison sentence suspended for 18 months and disqualified him from driving for 15 months.

BANGER-ED UP
Young offenders, hoping to delay their sentencing at Edinburgh Sheriff Court, jammed the lock of their holding cell with sausage and chips. Security staff used water to dissolve the food from the lock and managed to get the men to court just in time. An insider said, "We had to free the lock as quickly as possible for health and safety reasons to protect their own safety in case there was a fire or one had a health problem." No, we mustn't let them come to any harm.

THIS IS REALLY TAKING THE PISS
The 76-year-old victim of Lotto rapist Iorworth Hoare was ordered to pay £100,000 towards his legal costs after she lost her bid to sue him for compensation. There is a six-year deadline in which victims can bring civil cases against offenders in order to claim compensation. Hoare, who was jailed for life in May 1989, won £7m after buying a lottery ticket while on weekend leave from Leyhill open prison.

HEADGEAR BAN EXTENDED
The White Hart in Uttoxeter, Staffs recently introduced CCTV and banned hooded tops so that troublemakers might be more easily identified. Rob Woodward, the landlord, said it was only fair to widen the ban to include all types of headgear. So now he's banned farmers wearing their flat caps, in case it offends the hoodies.

OBSTRUCTING POLICE OFFICERS
A lorry driver who waved a warning to drivers behind him that they were approaching a police speed trap in Somerset was not guilty of obstructing officers, the High Court ruled. It held that there was no evidence that any speeding driver had seen the signal. But how exactly could he 'obstruct' officers, whether his signal had been seen or not? Police say they want to stop motorists speeding and that's what would have happened. Or is the truth that they want to trap motorists in order to fine them?

AN EYE FOR AN EYE
Three youths took a white rabbit from the children's farm area at the the Welsh Mountain Zoo, Colwyn Bay, and flung it in the alligator pool. The rabbit was immediately eaten by a four-metre long Mississippi Alligator. Zoo visitors reported the yobs to staff, who caught one of them. The other two fled. North Wales Police are investigating the incident and zoo director Chris Jackson said, "We fully support the police in taking any action necessary to bring the offender to justice." How about throwing him in the alligator pool?

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