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TOILET WORMS MUST BE HAPPY
New Zealander Coll Bell has invented a composting lavatory which relies on worms to do its dirty work. He has now been ordered by Auckland Regional Council to commission an expert to assess the psychological impact on the tiger worms. A council official told him, "You have to have someone with the qualifications to say the worms are happy." The official felt the worms could be left traumatised, given that their sole task in life was to process human faeces.

Mr Bell's "wormorator", an alternative to septic tanks, was only approved after a vermiculture expert reported the worms were in excellent health and breeding happily. A council spokeswoman said concern for the worms' welfare was justified because the system was going to be used at a campground where sewage flowed heavily for two weeks each year but dried up the rest of the time, meaning the worms might be left short of nourishment. (Source: Daily Telegraph, Dec/07)

STRIPPER CLEARED OF OFFENSIVE WEAPON CHARGE
A male police strippergram was cleared of possessing an offensive weapon when a court decided his truncheon was a lawful prop. Stuart Kennedy was charged after two policewomen watched his act in Aberdeen, Scotland. The two officers allowed Kennedy to perform his strip routine in a city bar before taking down his particulars and arresting him. He went on trial accused of possessing two batons and having a fake spray with him without lawful authority.

He was also originally charged with impersonating a police officer, but this was later dropped. Aberdeen Sheriff Court ruled he had a “reasonable excuse” for carrying the batons. The charge concerning the fake CS gas spray was thrown out because the prosecution failed to get the substance analysed. Interestingly, the two female cops let him finish his act before arresting him. And "charged with impersonating a police officer"? What do they expect a police strippergram to do? (Source: Daily Mirror, Dec/07)

HEALTH AND SAFETY MEETS MR PUNCH
When Punch and Judy man Glyn Edwards was threatened with a health and safety assessment he fought back the only way he knew ... on stage. He's made a new arch-villain in the shape of a balding health and safety inspector, dressed in a yellow fluorescent jacket, who regularly gets a whack with the slap-stick. Mr Edwards said, "I got the idea when I received a letter from my local authority saying I should fill-in a risk assessment form for my show. Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous? This is a Punch and Judy show with puppets and a tented stage. What are they suggesting could happen?"

He added, "I wrote back to the council refusing to comply and they backed off. We've run into the dreaded health and safety issue before. We performed at a fete in a field recently and I was astonished to see a health and safety sign up warning us to wear suitable footwear in case it rained. At another venue, I saw a health and safety sign in toilets, offering five instructions on how to wash your hands. It's madness, they'll be telling us how to blow our noses next."

The inspector intervenes during sketches involving a crocodile puppet and when sausages make an appearance. Mr Edwards said, "He asks whether Punch has made risk assessments before allowing the props on stage, it always gets a laugh." Mr Edwards, former producer of Saturday kids' TV show Tiswas, travels from his home in Worthing, West Sussex, all over the world to put on shows. He said, "The inspector goes down well everywhere, health and safety has become infectious and Punch is all about bringing idiots and lunacy to light." (Source: Daily Mail, Nov/07)

MAN DETONATES GRENADE DURING TICKET INSPECTION
Ticket inspectors on trains often have to deal with rowdy drunks on late night trains or people without tickets. But in Russia, one disgruntled passenger took things even further and blew himself up with a hand grenade when confronted by conductors. The ticket inspectors thought they saw a grenade in his hand and approached him to demand he get off the train at the next station, Asha, in Chelyabinks in the South Urals region. He refused and instead stood up and exploded the grenade. Passengers were evacuated after the explosion which destroyed all the windows in the carriage. The condition of the bomber is not known, but it is presumed he is not very well. (Source: Metro, Nov/07)

WIFE'S £5M GOOGLE SURPRISE
A woman is suing her husband after she "Googled" his name, and found out he'd won £5m on the lottery. Donna Campbell became suspicious of her man when he kept turning the TV off and disconnecting the telephone. She entered her husband's name and lottery numbers on Google and discovered he was hiding a group $10.2m lottery win. She found a Florida lottery press release that named 17 airline mechanics who had hit the jackpot. They will each get £298,000 of the £5m win. Ms Campbell is now suing him for her share of his good luck. Her attorney said, "Here's a guy who for years has spent marital money on the lottery and at casinos, and he's always lost. And now he finally wins, and he's trying to keep it from his wife. That's pretty low." (Source: Ananova, Nov/07)

MASTURBATION MEADOW
Villagers are campaigning to change the name of a new street because it translates into 'Masturbation Meadow'. Julia Newsham has launched a petition to change the name of Cae Onan in her home village of Morda, near Oswestry, Shropshire, on the Welsh borders. She believes council planners meant to call it Cae Onnen which translates as 'Ash Meadow' but was shocked when friends told her what this version means.

Cae is Welsh for meadow or field, but Onan has no Welsh translation other than the Biblical figure killed by God for 'spilling his seed', instead of impregnating his late brother's wife. That led to the the word 'onanism', an old term for masturbation. Paul Shevlin, from Oswestry Borough Council, said there were no plans to change the name as it was 'not something that would be generally picked up on'. (Source: Metro, Nov/07)

HANGING SPOONS FROM NIPPLES IS BANNED
An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts. Meanwhile, an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples. Police in Western Australia said the barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.

The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement. The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined £450, while an off-duty barmaid was fined £270 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples. Local police superintendent David Parkinson said, "It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises." (Source: Metro, Oct/07)

SEX WITH A BIKE
A man has been put on the sex offenders' register after being caught trying to have sex with a bike. Robert Stewart was discovered half naked in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland. Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how his indiscretion was uncovered.

She said, "The hostel cleaners knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

The hostel staff informed the manager who reported Stewart to the police. Although unusual he is not the first to be caught in a compromising situation with a object as Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993. Witnesses reported seeing him lying face down on the pavement with his trousers around his ankles. (Source: Daily Mail, Oct/07)

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