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POLICE? IT WILL COST YOU
Car theft victims will have to pay more than £100 if they want police to investigate. Police are refusing to carry out fingerprint or DNA tests unless the owners pay a private company to store the car until it is handed back. What's next? Will we have to pay for officers to attend a burglary? (Source: Sunday People, May/07)

'NO FAGGOTS'
Police are investigating the new landlord of a former gay-friendly pub after a sign went up outside saying, "Faggots and mince not on the menu!". Locals think he wants to change the clientele of the Anchor and Hope in Trowbridge, Wilts, after taking over from married gay tenants. (Source: Daily Mirror, May/07)

WARNING - THIS PLAY CONTAINS MEAT!
A playwright has been told to warn audiences his show features a roast chicken, to avoid offending vegetarians. Doug Devaney is starring in one-man play 'Mein Gutt', a black comedy about one man's losing battle with obesity, but Brighton Fringe Festival organisers say the roast chicken in the play could cause offence. Event organiser Sandra McDonagh said, "We don't want to cause offence. There will always be one person who is sensitive enough to complain. I have come across staunch vegans who will kick off about most things. It's always better to cover yourself." (Source: Ananova, May/07)

INK CARTRIDGES ARE - INK!
In a landmark judicial ruling, the European Court of Justice has finally declared that printer ink-jet cartridges are a form of ink. The decision overturns an earlier ruling from another authority that they weren't ink, they were printer parts. The case was brought to resolve the issue of whether ink-jet cartridges were subject to import duty. Now that ink cartridges are officially ink, importers must pay a 6.5% tariff, whereas previously, when the VAT and Duties Tribunal decided they were parts, they were exempt.

Epson Telford Ltd, importers of the printers, had argued that the cartridges were an essential to the printer, which could not operate without them being in place, and that therefore they were parts. But the judge concluded that 'the purpose of the cartridge is to provide the ink,' and therefore they were ink. Mr Justice Henderson said in his decision, "This may sound like a statement of the blindingly obvious but in my judgment it is important in an area as technical as this not to lose sight of the wood for the trees, and not to be distracted by technical features and refinements." (Source: Metro, May/07)

PORN SITE FOR THE VISUALLY IMPARED
SoundsDirty.com is a new adult entertainment website is tailor-made for blind people. The X-rated site features erotic stories read out by scantily-clad women and users can also listen to graphic descriptions of photos. For those who are not blind but are visually-impaired, a 'zoom' button lets them get up close and personal to the images. The site even provides subtitles on adult movies for deaf subscribers. Full membership of the site costs £10 per month. (Source: Metro, May/07)

TRAIN DRIVERS GET A WEE PERK
Bulgarian train drivers have been issued with rotating chairs so they can pee out of the window without having to stop. The drivers' union KNSB complained that, on some older trains, there were no toilets and they were having to pee out of the windows. In response the management agreed to fit the special chairs so the driver can turn and pee out the window without having to get up from the controls. (Source: Ananova, May/07)

SALESMAN HAS A HARD TIME FOR SEVEN YEARS
Richard Carter developed the rare condition priapism after taking panic attack medication. It left his knob almost constantly stiff and he needed eight hospital operations to reduce it. He was also left in agony as he drove vans selling fire extinguishers for Chubbs and he was forced to take so much time off that bosses have told him they may need to "reassess" whether he can still work for them as an on-the-road salesman. Richard claims he's been threatened with redundancy and offered a pay-off of just ten weeks' wages, despite ten years service. Chubbs later said they might find Richard an alternative job. A spokesman said, "We sympathise with him. His position is under review." (Source: The Sun, May/07)

NOW THIS IS 'HAVING A BAD DAY'
A man in South Africa was robbed by armed thieves who broke into his house, then stripped him naked and superglued him to his exercise bike. The man was forced to look on, helpless, at the burglars ransacked his house, and helped themselves to his finest Scotch whisky while they were at it. The men kidnapped him in an affluent Johannesburg suburb, and forced him to take them to his house. Once there, they made him strip, then superglued him to the seat of the exercise bike. The also superglued his hands and feet, and superglued his mouth shut as well. The man was only discovered when his partner arrived home several hours later. He was eventually removed from the exercise bike by emergency services, using a mixture of chemicals and Vaseline. (Source: Metro, May/07)

WIFE FEEDS HUSBAND DOG SHIT CURRY
An angry estranged wife took revenge on her husband by feeding him a curry containing dog excrement. Jill Martin pleaded guilty to the charge of culpable and reckless conduct at Paisley Sheriff Court. The court heard that after serving him the dish, and watching him as he started eating it, she burst out laughing. She then told him she'd poisoned the curry with arsenic, before admitting that she'd actually put dog shit in. Martin had been married to her husband for 21 years, but she (wrongly) suspected him of having an affair, and the relationship had recently 'hit an all time low.' Then it got lower. The Martins are currently in the process of getting divorced. (Source: Metro, May/07)

IT'S ONLY TAXPAYERS MONEY
Bradford council faces a £10,000 bill after it accused a farmer of letting his pigs scratch their backsides on protected trees. The council went to court for five separate hearings before deciding that it did not have enough evidence to prosecute David Sunderland. An investigation was started after complaints were made regarding 27 beech trees that were the subject of preservation orders, and council officers said that bark was dislodged from 22 of them. A tree specialist employed by Mr Sunderland said that the damage predated the British Saddleback pigs being put in the Bradford field. The council withdrew its prosecution at Bingley Magistrates’ Court, but a spokesman said that it took its legal duties regarding tree preservation orders seriously. Mr Sunderland was awarded £4,500 court costs. (Source: Times Online, Mar/07)