WORKING IN RETAIL

Management
You can never deal with management, only tolerate.

Punctuality
It’s worth turning up for work on time occasionally. If you arrive before the store opens, don't expect to be let in. Management aren't that efficient.

Lateness
If you’re late, don’t tell anyone, if they notice just make up some excuse.

Sickness
Remember to contact a member of management as soon as possible in the morning, this gives them more time to whinge, and allows you to go back to sleep quickly. The key is to ring up as soon as you wake up, that way your tiredness will make you sound ill.

Staff Room
The staff room is an integral part of your day, use this room to take long breaks, skive off work and sleep. Try to keep this room tidy as much as possible, otherwise management will draw up what they call a "Cleaning Rota" which you may notice never, ever contains their names on it.

Drinks Machine
A good staff room should contain a drinks machine, allowing you to quench your thirst and lubricate that dry throat, obtained from having to explain simple things to simple customers.

Fridge
Most staff rooms will contain a fridge. You'll find most fridge's have a fault somewhere, many won't have a light, some won't actually refridgerate. The staff fridge will usually contain management's shopping and/or bottles of milk over 2 years old.

Uniform
It's sometimes worth wearing regulation uniform when you start your job, just to make a good impression. After a short period of time however, you'll notice most staff tend to wear whatever they want. Adjust your wardrobe as necessary. Do wear suitable footwear, preferably something sturdy, so when you're stamping on an annoying customers head, you don't damage your shoes.

HOW TO TORMENT YOUR EMPLOYEES

Never trust anybody, especially your employees. Pay surprise visits when people call in sick. Make sure they're really home. Take their temperatures.

Take credit for your employees' good ideas and hard work. Don't recognize their contributions.

Stick to your guns. Being decisive is more important than learning from your mistakes. Changing your mind is a sign of weakness. Other points of view just undermine your authority.

Don't train your employees. Make it difficult or impossible for them to get other jobs or to do theirs with skill and enjoyment.

Reward punctuality and diligence above innovation and ingenuity. Employees' noses should be kept (a) clean, and (b) to the grindstone, not (c) "poking around in things that don't concern them."

Keep secrets. Employees don't need to know about your company's mission and goals, its financial condition or even its day-to-day operation. Have lots of closed-door meetings; emerge looking mysterious and self-important.

Keep business and personal matters separate. Tell your employees to leave their problems at home. Reward long hours and penalize people who would rather spend evenings with the family than the photocopier. Forbid personal phone calls. Quash budding romances, discourage friendships and for heaven's sake don't have a company picnic.

Run a tight ship. Monitor everything: e-mail, pencils, photocopies (especially around tax time). No coffee at the desk (easily discouraged by charging 50p a cup).

Make clear distinctions between senior staff and hourly wage-earners. Regarding the latter, don't trouble to learn their names. Call the women "honey" and the men "boy." Regarding the former, take frequent long, liquor-laden lunch breaks with them.

Pay minimum wage. Don't promote. Don't be concerned about high turnover. When your employees go on strike, outsource everything overseas, where labourers know their place and there are plenty of 9-year-olds looking for jobs.