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THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER
Actual letter of resignation from an
employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who
apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr Baker,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I
have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is
that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges
above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent
and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during
the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you
are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every
little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but
also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other
employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the
concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth
time.
You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many
options. You will also never understand why people hate
you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as
telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more
personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking
for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless
look about you that may have worked for your interview,
but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn
it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will
cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert
principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change
without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I
am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few
parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference
to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad
recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends
randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep
you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it
on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every
account on the system, and I know every password you have
used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute,
I am going to publish your "favorites list",
which I conveniently saved when you made me "back
up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by
the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera
to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday,"
you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot
to erase them like the techno-moron you really are.
Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a
sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been
copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a
glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell
check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of
recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word
of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted
repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never
fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they
know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
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