Weather
According
to a leading meteorological expert we’ve
already had more weather this year than in the
last three years put together. Latest figures
show that Cloud Bank Shift is up by a record 4%
as are Sunshine Penetration Units. And
that’s not all. Last winter saw an
unprecedented rise in Sleet Downput with Surface
Slush Factor soaring by a whopping 72%! In fact,
almost all weather behaviour patterns have
increased and in some cases almost doubled. We
spoke to weather expert Suzanne Fish.
"Weather is rife just now," she told
us. "You name it, we’re getting it. And
there’s more to come, so don’t put away
your sun cream, umbrellas or snowshoes just
yet."
However, Suzanne stressed that the 6.2% extra
rainfall that we've been experiencing is, in
fact, the wrong kind of rain. "It’s not
been the sort that fills reservoirs so I’m
afraid we must prepare ourselves for the
standpipes once again." So what is causing
this current weather surplus? Suzanne explains,
"There are several theories. One suggests
that a slight gravitational increase means that
more weather is being sucked down from the
stratosphere. Another popular theory is that the
hole in the ozone layer has somehow slipped down
from the North Pole and is now hovering over a
point just north of Grimsby. However, the most
likely explanation is the
Faulty-Barometer-At-The-London-Weather-Centre-Theory.
I’m not entirely convinced but, I must
admit, we do forget to tap it sometimes."
How long is this spell likely to last?
"Weather booms are very unpredictable so
make the most of it while you can," Suzanne
urged us. "The last weather recession –
back in 1973 – lasted for over three years
and we all remember how depressing that
was." Suzanne, who’s hobbies include
gardening, knitting and drinking, makes another
startling claim. "Although wind speed has
only been affected slightly, hurricanes are
occurring much more frequently – especially
when we're not expecting them. Everyone used to
be preoccupied with the ‘Greenhouse
Effect’, now the worrying issue is what
effect the high winds will have on
greenhouses."
"I, for one, am replacing my existing panels
with special ones made from toughened glass
– before it’s too late," she
added. As for the forecast, Suzanne told us that
according to her pine cone there was a 150% risk
of widespread snow reaching all parts of Britain
by lunchtime, but she couldn’t pinpoint in
which month.
Transport
ministers have been told that Britains roads will
break up in a heatwave (like, we didn't know?).
Apparently, dry summers and wet winters have
undermined foundations and officials at the
Department of Transport have warned of shrinking,
subsidence and severe cracking on the network. In
2003, millions were spent repairing drought-hit
roads in the South East and East of England but
it is feared another hot summer could spread
damage across the country. A senior transport
source said, "The Government has a duty to
keep roads in a good state of repair but the
amount of funding needed to do this is going up
and up." But so are our taxes. It's now
official then - Britains road surfaces are not
designed for the British climate.
A
British inventor was awarded a government grant
of £105,000 from the Engineering and Physical
Sciences Research Council to develop a
RAIN-MAKING machine.
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