Miscellaneous - Sport

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Manchester's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events which is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area) wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc...)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor wages delivery man.

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