The Pub Crawl
The surest way to become an
honorary English citizen is to go on a pub crawl.
We love our beer, but are a moderate nation, and
don't like to spend every evening in one pub
having drink after drink. So, some evenings, we
do something different. We spend an evening
having one drink in pub after pub. In a few
hours, you share details of your life with
strangers, who become close friends. You're
accepted into a social circle. You just hope that
they were so drunk, they can't remember what you
said the next day.
This is a nation of pubs. There are over 120,000
in England - enough to visit 10 every night for
32 years. Because we are moderate, pubs must stop
serving at 11pm and you must drink up by 11.20pm.
This is to stop people drinking all night, like
in France. We drink the same amount as the
French, we just drink it all before 11.20pm.
Pub crawls are rarely planned. They just happen.
Nobody says 'How about a pub crawl tonight?'.
When work finishes, someone might glance at the
clock and say, 'Fancy a quick drink?'. This is a
probable invitation to a pub crawl. They say it
as if the idea just came, but in fact they've
been planning it since the morning. The correct
response is for everyone to look doubtful, and to
study their watches. 'Well - yes, just a quick
one,' you say, as if you have important things to
do later on.
It's important to know your pub types:
Old person's pubs
Names such as 'Red Lion', 'Rose and Crown',
'Railway Inn'. Ancient decor. Cold, smell of damp
walls and stale beer. No music. Outside toilets.
Silent local men inside. Beer is sometimes very
good. Food is out of freezer, microwaved and
awful.
Young person's pubs
Stupid names: 'Ferret and Firkin', 'Kebab and
Calculator'. Completely redecorated this year.
Very hot, smell of teenage perfume and
aftershave. Very loud rock music. Toilets always
full. Shouting young locals inside. Beer usually
mediocre. Food is out of freezer, microwaved and
awful.
Middle-aged person's pubs
Artificial names such as 'The Jolly Ploughman'.
Look like traditional old farmhouses inside, but
all done this year. Air-conditioned. Full of men
in suits and quiet easy-listening music. Beer
variable. Food is out of freezer, microwaved and
awful.
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