Transport - Cars

There are plenty of arseholes on Britain's roads. You can either get annoyed with them, or you can become one yourself. Feel the relief as you no longer get stressed out by the poser who's blinding you with his fog lights, because you're doing it too! But where to start? Here are a few handy pointers that should set you in the right direction.

Front Fog Lights
There are two kinds of cars on Britain's roads, cars with fog lights and cars without. Cars with fog lights are, of course, Sporty Cars, whereas cars without are mere Cars. The only problem is, in the dark, Sporty Cars look just like Cars. So what do you do? It may not be foggy, it may be against the law (3 penalty points if you meet PC Pedantic), but turn on your fog lights, and drivers of ordinary cars will all know you're better than they are. If you like, you can buy kits to add fog lamps to your car and thus make it a sporty car. When buying these kits, be sure to buy Driving lamps rather than Fog lamps as these are even better for blinding oncoming drivers!

Rear Fog Lights
The good news for those of you with ordinary cars is that all cars now come with at least one rear fog light, the correct usage of which is as follows: Rear fog lights should be turned on as soon as visibility drops below two miles and then left switched on until your car goes in for its next MOT. So, how do you know if your rear fog light is on? Chances are it already is! At some stage, you have probably gone through this line of thinking...

I wonder what this switch does...
I think I'll try it...
It just makes this little light on the dashboard go on and off

If this is the case, then you can be sure that any motorist following you will be able to see your car very clearly at night (although how clearly they'll see your brake lights is another matter entirely).

Indicators
Many people labour under the misconception that indicators are for giving others an idea of what you're about to do. This, of course, has to be utter nonsense. After all, you know where you're going and nobody else on the road is important anyway. Your indicators serve a far more important purpose. Putting them all on at once makes your car flash yellow on both sides. This acts as camouflage and makes your car invisible to traffic wardens as it will now blend in with the double yellow lines you have just parked on. If you find that the age old routine of 'Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre' has been drilled into you too harshly, experiment for a while, try missing the odd one out (e.g. Signal, Manoeuvre) or rearranging the order (Manoeuvre, Signal, Mirror). You'll find them all just as effective.

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