Terrorist Attack on
Britain
By Richard
Littlejohn
Since
September 11, 2001, the finest minds in Britain
have been agonising night and day over the best
way to protect us from potential terrorist
attacks. Now they have come up with their cunning
plan. They’re going to send leaflets to
every home in the country. Oh, and schoolchildren
are going to be given lessons in surviving
smallpox and anthrax. The revolutionary
counter-terrorist strategy has been drawn up by a
sub-committee chaired by the press officer for
the Cheshire Fire Brigade. I bet you feel safer
already.
Other proposals are also being considered. One is
using the national electricity grid to transmit
warnings in the event of an attack. This is how
it would work. A special pulse would be sent down
power lines to trigger alarms in every home. And
then what, given that the police don’t even
bother to respond to burglar alarms? Er, stay in
the house until further notice. Let the looting
begin. Last one out of Rumbelows’ window
with a wide-screen plasma TV is a cissy.
The Government is also going to set up an
emergency telephone hotline. Calls charged at 38p
a minute, inevitably. Seeing as the banks have
moved their call centres to the Indian
sub-continent, the National Emergency Hotline
will probably end up being run from Pakistan by a
company owned by al-Qa’ida. In the interests
of public safety, here is a preview of the way in
which the hotline will work.
Ring, Ring. Ring, Ring.
(Ten minutes later.)
Thankyou for calling the National Emergency
Hotline. Your call may be monitored and recorded
for training purposes.
For Urdu, press 1. For Parsi, press 2. For Welsh,
press 3. For Arabic, press 4. For all other
languages, including English, press 5, followed
by the hash key.
Thankyou for your co-operation. Your call is
important to us.
Did you know that you can save on your
electricity bill by paying in instalments? For
more details, press 1. For all other inquiries,
press 2.
Thankyou for pressing 2. Please key in your 11
digit telephone number, followed by star.
Sorry, that is not a valid selection. To return
to the menu, press 1. To speak to an operator,
press 2.
Thankyou. All our operators are busy assisting
other customers at the moment. You are being held
in a queue. To better help us deal with your
inquiry please choose from the following list of
options.
If you are calling about botulism, press 1. If
you are calling about anthrax, press 2. If you
are calling about smallpox, press 3. If you are
in a tower block which has just been hit by a
jumbo jet, press 4. For all other inquiries,
including nerve gas and car bombs, please press
5.
Thankyou for holding. To further assist us in
handling your call more swiftly, please choose
from the following list of options.
If your hair is on fire, press 1. If you are
covered in yellow pustules, press 2. If you are
vomiting, press 3. If you are calling about a
service appointment or to upgrade your existing
service, press 4. For all other inquiries,
including problems connecting to the Internet and
shrapnel wounds, please press 5.
If you are calling to shop that bloke over the
road you had the row about the leylandii with for
drunk driving, please press 1.
If you have turned green and started coughing up
blood, press 2.
I’m sorry, that is not a valid selection.
Your call will now be transferred automatically
into a black hole.
(Cue music. It’s The End Of The World As We
Know It.)
You have reached the answering service of
al-Qa’ida. All our operatives are busy right
now. If you are an infidel, press 1. If you are
the Great Satan, press 2. If you are a Saudi
prince and wish to donate several million dollars
to the jihad, please press 3.
If you wish to volunteer as a suicide bomber,
please replace your receiver and ring, toll free,
1-800-SADDAM.
Have a nice day.
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