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ANOTHER LOAD OF CRAP
Voice recognition may be used to track some asylum seekers, rather than locking them up, the government says. Immigration minister Tony McNulty told a London conference that the system may be used to help monitor failed asylum applicants prior to removal. And anyone who believes that....

CAUSING OFFENCE
Police ordered a shopkeeper to remove a toddlers' T-shirt from his window display because its slogan "Winner of the Egg and Sperm Race" was deemed offensive. Tim Price, who has run the Ju-Ju clothes shop in Brighton for 11 years, said, "Apparently, someone had found the word 'sperm' offensive. The T-shirts are supposed to be funny. It's odd that we can't display them but people can wear them in the street." Mr Price initially left the T-shirts in the window but covered up the offending words and replaced them with less offensive ones. The move, however, only brought another visit, and another warning, from the police. A Sussex police spokesman said, "An officer has spoken to the staff at Ju-Ju and advised them to display some of the more controversial items within the store or cover offending words to prevent further complaints." (Source: Daily Telegraph, Mar/06)

FIRE SAFETY ADVICE
The Derbyshire Fire and Rescue Service has joined forces with the University of Derby in a bid to keep students safe. When new students arrive at the university, they will be given advice on fire safety and shown safety videos. The induction also includes a leaflet giving information on the dangers of using candles and cooking while under the influence of alcohol. Firefighter Louise Jamieson, based at Ascot Drive fire station, said, "This might be the first time that many students have been away from their homes and we want to make sure they're as safe as possible in their new accommodation." Having the intelligence to qualify for university does not mean they have the common sense to deal with everyday matters.

FLOUTING THE LAW
Despite new parking restrictions being placed on the road outside Markeaton Primary School, parents are continuing to flout the law. Hours after signs were put up outside the school to enforce advisory yellow zigzag lines, parents were blatantly ignoring them. A Derbyshire Police spokeswoman said officers were called out because of a parked vehicle obstructing the school gates. She said, "It was outside the restricted parking time and the owner could not be traced but we have been unable to attend the other call-outs later in the day because of other matters." Step forward the driver of a blue Ford Mondeo reg K428 TFP.

QUOTE OF THE YEAR
Even when Derby University is on a summer break, it runs an empty bus between the city centre and the Kedleston Road campus every hour despite the fact that Trent run a similar service every seven or eight minutes. A university spokesman defended this waste of resources by saying, "It's to show our commitment to our travel plan to provide 'green' alternative transport between our sites all year round." This statement must qualify for the 'Quote of the Year' award. How can running a bus service with no passengers possibly be beneficial to the environment?

PAYING THE EXTRA
Trent Barton Buses said it is keeping a watch on the current jump in fuel prices to see if fares need to increase. Also jumping in on the act, taxi drivers said they may be forced to put up fares in the wake of the fuel shortages created by Hurricane Katrina. If the rest of us have to pay the extra cost, why do they think they should be subsidised? Can't see employers giving their workforce a pay rise because they have to pay more for fuel.

FLAT BROKE? JUST SIT THERE A WHILE
An illegal immigrant who is waiting to be deported from the country appeared at court charged with driving while on his mobile phone, with no licence, no insurance and without a seatbelt. Ismail Tariq, who survives on food vouchers, had his licence endorsed with eight points. What licence? He was also ordered to pay a £100 fine for driving with no insurance. But because he has no money, Tariq was ordered to sit at the back of court until the session ended instead. Remember this if you ever get fined in court. Plead poverty and you just have to sit at the back. Oh, and you have to be here illegally.

NOT A SMART MOVE
Stuart Dale chased a gang of boys who had attacked him into a Co-op supermarket in Alvaston. When staff prevented Dale from following, he started smashing the door with a crowbar (which, presumably, he just happened to have). He was fined £250, ordered to pay £55 costs and given a conditional discharge. Fair enough, and the gang who attacked him?

NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Andy Cope, of Oakwood, had a call from a stranger who said he found his address, phone number, signature, account details, utility bill and bank card photocopies dumped behind Phones 4u in East Street. The details found in the service yard, near a compactor, were copies of information he gave to the shop when he bought a mobile phone. Mr Cope said, "They did tell me they shred everything in the store, so there is absolutely no reason for my details to be outside of the shop. They have fobbed me off and even now they are telling me it is an unfortunate error and not a breach of the Data Protection Act." The company said, "Phones 4u takes the protection of customer data very seriously and has a series of checks and controls in place to ensure that all details are processed, stored and disposed of in a secure and confidential manner. If the results of our investigation find that we have been at fault, we will be in contact with Mr Cope to discuss the issue further." If the documents were found outside then no investigation is necessary, they were at fault.

FURNITURE SALE
A mahogany table, sideboard, wine cooler and bookcase, which had been removed from St Helen's House are in the ceremonial foyer of the Council House and, according to council leader Chris Williamson, are badly in need of restoration. The sideboard and the bookcase were, until recently, on display at Derby Heritage Centre, in St Peter's Churchyard but councillor Maurice Burgess revealed they had been removed by the council saying, "I just don't think the Heritage Centre realised what it had taken on when it agreed to have the furniture. We didn't believe it had been looked after." So who had been responsible for the furniture up until then?

HELP FOR HOMELESS
South Derbyshire District Council is planning to offer homeless people help to pay for the deposits for properties, and take back a small amount each week from the person to repay the loan. But if they're homeless won't they also be jobless?

NOWHERE TO GO
Groups of teenagers have been loitering under the overhang at the Assembly Rooms, next to the Tourist Information Centre, in the Market Place, during the weekends, after school, and during the holidays. There have been reports that some of them are misbehaving and causing damage. Their argument is there's nowhere else to go. Nowhere?

A GOOD PLACE TO LIVE
An irate resident complained that when publishing addresses for people in court cases, especially front-page stories about neighbours from hell, the local press should check that the addresses are Mackworth and not, as should have been published, "Morley Estate". She said, "Mackworth gets enough bad publicity without making things worse - in fact Mackworth is a good place to live."

Erm...

Residents and traders on Mackworth estate are demanding a crackdown on nuisance youths. A dozen shopkeepers and over thirty tenants have signed a petition calling for action on anti-social behaviour around shops in Prince Charles Avenue. They say youngsters have been climbing on roofs, throwing stones, swearing, making noise late at night and intimidating residents. So Mackworth is "a good place to live" if you don't count the Prince Charles Avenue shops area.

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