PLEASE FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE....

Queuing, the great British sickness, is just as time-consuming as you had always suspected. On average, we spend 33 minutes a week standing in queues. A study being published will show that Britons waste 1.3 billion hours a year in some form of line, which works out, according to statisticians, at more than one day a year per person. But the British are becoming increasingly impatient. In a survey of 1,000 adults, one third admitted they had queue-jumped.

The survey also revealed that 36% of men admitted that they had pushed in front of other people, compared with 26% of women, who are either more polite or simply lying. Most people said waiting for the toilet was the most stressful queue, according to the survey carried out for a medical insurance company keen to cash in on dissatisfaction with the NHS. The second most unhappy time was queueing for a doctor's appointment, followed by waiting in an airport departure lounge.

It was George Mikes, a Hungarian-born writer, who pointed out nearly 30 years ago that 'the Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one'. Companies spend thousands trying to reduce queues for service and purchases, and entire theorems have been built around different strategies for banishing waits, but few seem to work. There is also the conflicting idea that some people enjoy a good queue. This winter there will be a long trail of people outside Harrods in sleeping bags, waiting a week or more for bargains. Queueing for 12 hours for a Cliff Richard ticket is not unknown.

The analysis of how long we spend in queues casts doubt on whether the delays are actually being reduced, despite the wonders of modern technology. For example, many banks have introduced telephone banking, but experts have pointed out that going on to an automatic answering machine can be just as stressful as standing before the tills for half an hour. Travel tailbacks are possibly the most blood-pressure heightening delays of all. Time wasted in jams is rising by about 5% a year. (Source: The Observer)

It was once said that the British were obsessed with queueing, but now it seems we've all had enough. A new survey has revealed almost a third of UK shoppers have lost their temper while queueing, and many more have witnessed aggression while waiting in line. The study, by experts Qm Group, has found that 65% of shoppers have suffered from 'Queue Rage' at some point with Londoners named as the most likely to throw a hissy fit at staff. With this in mind, we decided to come up with a list of Derbyshire's most horrendous queues, not just in shopping but in every walk of life.

Weekends in A&E
So you've somehow managed to glue your hand to your bum. What's the one thing that could make things worse? How about a four hour wait in the A&E unit at the DRI? Of course, the staff do a wonderful job but the sheer volume of people doing damage to themselves can make waiting at peak times a somewhat hellish experience.

Ice creams at Markeaton Park
How to make a huge queue more unbearable? Simple, add screaming kids! When Markeaton Park gets busy on the hottest day of the year, the queue for ice creams can be anything but a walk in the park.

Football mad
If there's a group devoted to queueing, they should have this year's annual jolly at Pride Park stadium. There are opportunities to join long queues at every step. Whether it's the queue for matchday tickets five minutes before kick-off, the queue for the bogs, the lines that stand waiting for a pint of bitter at half-time or the queues of traffic trying to get out afterwards, a trip to Pride Park stadium would try the patience of Mother Theresa. If she was still alive, that is.

Scream on Saturdays
The huge queues that form outside Derby's Scream from 10pm onwards on a Saturday night have become so bad that planning an evening there now requires the military precision and stealthy timing of an SAS taskforce.

The A52
The problem with renaming this stretch of road 'Brian Clough Way' is that future generations might come to assume that Old Big 'Ead was famous for his achievements in creating nightmare-ish traffic jams. A fine stretch of road most of the time, the section heading into Derby transforms into a driver's worst nightmare between 8am - 9am on weekday mornings when progress can best be described as 'snail-like'. Special mention must go to the A38 towards Markeaton Island too and of course the A6 into Matlock Bath on a hot summer's day.

Next are having a sale
While most shops have sales all year round, clothes chain Next opts to cram its bargains into two sales, a Winter Sale and a Summer sale, both with huge queues. Whether it's the queue to enter the store (some tragic characters arrive at 6am to be first in line!) or the horrendous snaking lines of people waiting to pay for a half-price pair of pants, Next sales set new standards for horrible shopping-related queueing.

Deadline day at Derby University
As any student will tell you, anyone who gets their work done before the set deadline is quite clearly insane. Which means that with most tutors setting a 4pm Friday deadline for assignments, the queue at the student information desk to get those last minute rush-jobs handed in can get really nasty. Your best bet is to just hand everything in a few days late.

Where's my parcel?
What could be more fun at Christmas than queueing outside Midland Road post office for hours on the first day it's re-opened to find out where that parcel from Auntie Joyce disappeared to? And what a joy to find out once you've located said parcel that it contains a really awful present, a flower-pressing kit or a glittery pair of socks. Great!

Spank me!
Proving the law that students love a club night with an innuendo-based name, Derby Uni's Spank nights at the Gatehouse have become so popular that a 45-minute wait in the cold is not uncommon. In fact, some students have become so panicky about missing out on Fatman Scoop and 'Build Me Up Buttercup' (three times), they've now taken to queueing up before the bouncers have even arrived. Still, I'd go if they'd only let me in. (Source: BBC News)