AN EARTHQUAKE HITS DERBY
By R.E.Porter

An earthquake hit Derby on September 23, 2002. The epicentre was Chaddesden. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fucking hell", "bollocks" and "where's me fags". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentoes from Blackpool and Skegness were damaged beyond repair and three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were destroyed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived and hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered that something interesting happened in Chaddesden. One resident, Tracy Delores Smith, a 15-year-old single mother of five said, "It was a shock, my little Chardonay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying and my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up whilst I was watching Trisha. My youngest two, Tyler Morgan and Megan Storm, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

Adam, who lives a few doors away said, "After a heavy weekend, my girlfriend and I were heavily asleep when the earthquake struck. I remember waking up but soon returned to sleep. In the morning we discussed it in bed and both agreed it was the washing machine." Two joyriders complained, "We've never been so terrified... we called the police but they said there was nothing they could do. Why do we pay our taxes?"

Apparently though, looting, mugging and car crime carried on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantites of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretcher.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

The appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks and Rockport boots and many other items sold by Matalan. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuff include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Fosters or Special Brew. Monetary donations are also welcome. 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms. £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 and £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

For £20, a fake M.O.T can be bought (or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the vehicle out) and £26.00 is enough for 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos. Please don't send tents, as the sight of posh housing will upset residents in neighbouring areas. All items of property, lost during the earthquake, can be bought at Donington market which is held every Sunday.