GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES NEW WEBSITE

The government is launching a revolutionary new website that allows people to print their own money in the comfort of their own homes. The Treasury believe that by increasing the money supply in this way, they will be able to boost consumer spending and kickstart the economy. A number of leading economists were surveyed as to whether they thought this radical increase in the money supply might cause hyper-inflation, but all were too busy with their office printers to reply.

The catchy name of the cash-printing website www.quantitative-easing.com was thought to have been thought up by the Prime Minister himself and the only requirements to use the site are a home computer and a decent colour printer. "Taxpayers can now print out fifty, twenty and ten pound notes at home for their own personal use," explained the Chancellor Alistair Darling. "We did experiment with five pound notes, but they kept getting jammed in the paper feed tray, and the Queen was coming out all short and wrinkly."

The launch of the money printing scheme was undertaken after consultation with experts in this field, namely the Bank of England and a number of heavily tattooed men in a lock up garage in Essex. However critics have pointed out that given the current cost of ink cartridges, the cost of printing out a twenty pound note is approximately twenty pounds. Sources close to the Treasury reveal that the government is also considering extending the scheme to allow people to print their own tax credits. The new scheme would include the Working Tax Credit, Child Tax Credit, and the ‘Sir Fred Goodwin’ Pension Credit. (Source: News Biscuit, Mar/09)

Alistair Darling announced plans to kick start the economy by providing small to medium sized businesses with money plants. Darling claims that the plants will provide an injection of £50 and £20 notes into the economy which will boost spending an increase consumer confidence. However the plan has been heavily criticised by the opposition and business experts who say that there is no such thing as ‘a money plant’ and that the Chancellor is clearly suffering some sort of severe mental breakdown. "He is off his nut", said Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, "he keeps going on about everybody being able to pick lots and lots of bank notes off their money plants, it’s like he’s been doing magic mushrooms or something."

Alistair Darling said, "This is typical of the negative, ‘can’t do’ attitude of those whose are talking down Britain’s ability to pull itself out of recession. With care and attention even the smallest money plant can grow in to a strong and formidable tree. We will be advising business on pruning and watering techniques to ensure the best possible growth of the next financial year." It is feared that with no more money left to hand out to failing banks and businesses, the ‘money plant’ initiative is a desperate last throw by the struggling Treasury. Downing Street has announced that the money plants will be distributed as small saplings in a roll out programme. (Source: News Biscuit, Mar/09)