Retirement Plan
     
     
Due to a reduction in money allocated for personnel, we have been forced to reduce staff. Under the revised retirement policy, older employees will be asked to take early retirement thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of fiscal 2005, via voluntary retirement, will be put into effect immediately. The program will be know as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside our company. Employees who believe they are being RAPED unfairly can request a review of their employment history before actual retirement takes effect. This is called Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW). We continue to have an open door policy at our company so any employee who has been RAPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with the executive management. This is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to Half Earnings for Retired Person's Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit, any employee who receives HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure our younger employees who remain that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that all employees are highly trained. This will be effected through our highly successful Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. In fact, we lead not only our county but the entire industry in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Supervisors have been specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can possibly stand.
 
 

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