Murphy's Laws

2. Every man has a scheme, that will not work.

3. If an experiment works, something's gone wrong.

4. Life sucks-then you die.

5. Those whose approval you seek the most give you least.

6. Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

7. Nothing ever goes away!

8. You never find a lost article until you replace it.

9. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

10. If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.

11. Common sense is not that common!

12. If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.

13. Everything is easier to get into, than out of.

14. You get the most of what you need the least.

15. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it enough!

16. If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

17. If it jams-force it. If it breaks, it'll need replacing anyway!

18. Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.

19. The solution to the problem changes the problem.

20. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

21. It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick!

22. The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

23. Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans!

24. All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

25. Fools rush in where fools have been before.

26. No experiment is reproducible.

27. Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.

28. An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

29. People are always available for work in the past tense.

30. Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

31. Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

32. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you are.

33. People will believe anything if you whisper it.

34. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

35. When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

36. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

37. Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

38. The bigger they are the harder they hit.

39. In every organization there is a person who knows everything. That person must be fired.

40. Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

41. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

42. The real world is a special case.

43. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

44. If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

45. If you want it you can't afford it.

46. If you can afford it you don't want it.

47. Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definately will.

48. There is nothing to worry about until the government state there is nothing to worry about.

49. Two or more experts on any given topic always fail to agree.

50. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.

51. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

52. If things were left to chance, they would be better.

53. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.

54. The chief cause of problems is solutions.

55. Everything costs more and takes longer.

56. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

57. Any product cut to length will be too short.

58. If you need "x" items of anything, there will be "x" less 1 items in stock.

59. The most delicate component will be dropped.

60. After the last of sixteen mounting screws have been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered the wrong access cover has been removed.

61. After an access cover has been secured using sixteen hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.

62. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

63. Friendly fire ain't!

64. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

65. Incoming fire has the right of way.

66. Clothes shops stock only two sizes - too large and too small.

67. If you need to see the boss in a hurry, take a nap.

68. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you - and miss.

69. A fault will not appear until an item has passed final inspection.

70. You can get anywhere in ten minutes if you go fast enough.

71. The vehicle in front of you is travelling slower than you are.

72. It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

73. Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

74. Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

75. Pills taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

76. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.

77. Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

78. The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.

79. The information you have is not what you want.

80. The information you want is not what you need.

81. The information you need is not what you can obtain.

82. The information you can obtain cost's more than you want to pay.

83. Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.

84. If it's good, they'll stop making it.

85. Nobody understands or really cares what anyone else is doing.

86. Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

87. In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

88. Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

89. No child throws up in the bathroom.

90. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

91. Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.

92. As soon as you mention something...

a) If it's good, it goes away.

b) If it's bad, it happens.

93. Nothing is as easy as it looks.

94. Everything takes longer than you think.

95. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

96. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

97. If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

98. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

99. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

100. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

101. If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

102. Mother Nature is a bitch.

103. Every solution breeds new problems.

104. Fixing a thing takes longer and costs more than you thought.

105. He who hesitates is last.

106. The longer the title, the less important the job.

107. Those who can - do, those who can't - teach.

108. You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.

109. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

110. Secret sources are more credible.

111. Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

112. Nothing is ever done for the right reason.

113. Everything goes wrong all at once.

114. Everything breaks down.

115. Smile - tomorrow will be worse.

116. All great discoveries are made by mistake.

117. Nothing ever gets built on time or within budget.

118. If it moves - salute it, if it doesn't move - pick it up, if you can't pick it up - paint it.

119. It's always the wrong time of the month.

120. Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it is the start of a brand new series of three.

121. If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

122. When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

123. Some of plus the rest of it is all of it.

124. The more ridiculous the system, the higher the probability of it's success.

125. Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

126. If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.

127. There's always one more bug.

128. When you're up to your eyes in it, keep your mouth shut.

129. All people are cremated equal.

130. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work they're supposed to be doing.

131. No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

132. You always find something the last place you look.

133. A bird in the hand is dead.

134. An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

135. The man who can smile when things go wrong, has obviously thought of someone he can blame it on.

136. It's always the partner's fault.

137. The user does not know what he wants until he sees what he gets.

138. Most jobs are marginally better than daytime TV.

139. If all else fails, read the instuctions.

140. Interchangeable parts won't.

141. The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.

142. When putting things back together again, there will always be at least one piece left over that will not fit anywhere.

143. It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

144. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

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