Views on Life
     
     
At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get synchronised with a complete stranger.

You're never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.

Your never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.

Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating an apple.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

Whenever you walk towards a sliding door, there is a moment when you become convinced that the door isn't going to open and you are going to walk straight into it.

It is impossible to walk on and off those moving floors in airports without some loss of dignity.

If you get rained on whilst travelling to work on foot or by bike, it will cease to rain, birds will begin to sing in the trees and all will become a picture of springtime bliss within 30 seconds of arriving at your destination. It will then proceed to start pissing down again at 5.30.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

When you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

People who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

Put six locks on your door, all in a row. When you go out, lock every other one. That way, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they're always locking three of them.

Old ladies all have the same hair style, irrespective of which hairdresser they use.

Why do all people over the age of 69, insist on telling you their age?

The same people who pay for £40 worth of groceries using loose change, then offer a £20 note for a 40p bus fare.

Adverts show you how detergent takes out bloodstains but if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
 
 

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