THE LLOYD NELSON COLUMN 8

USELESS
The government sent out 'What to do in a terrorist attack' leaflets which redefine the meaning of 'useless'. The advice 'Go in, stay in, tune in', really summed up what this government wants us to do, terrorist attack or not.

New Labour would much prefer it if no one went out of their houses, ventured into the streets, dropped litter, got drunk or smoked. Instead, we should all stay indoors waiting for the next government instruction on parenting or how much fibre to eat.

RISE FOR MP'S
Government Ministers complained that new curbs to stop MPs fiddling their expenses had hit them much harder than backbenchers, so the rules have been changed to enable Ministers to claim an extra Ł21,000-a-year tax-free grant for living in London. As one Tory MP said, "What other profession can vote to increase its own expenses because of new measures to prevent fraudulent claims?"

CAPED CRUSADER
A protester, dressed as Batman, scaled the wall of Buckingham Palace, walked along a narrow ledge and remained there for five hours. When police finally removed him, with the aid of a cherry-picker, he was seen to be wearing a safety helmet!

ASYLUM SEEKERS
Asylum seekers are gathering in France near to the ports, waiting for an opportunity to sneak into Britain. If they are true 'asylum seekers', why haven't they claimed asylum in France? If they are there illegally, why hasn't France sent them back to where they came from?

YOBS RULE
Yobs on a rough council estate in Kentish Town, North West London, are getting a Ł12,000 crazy golf course, in a bid to stop them causing trouble. Locals say the idea is a waste of money and fear thugs will throw golf balls through windows and use clubs to smash their way into homes. Metal posts and fencing put up around the area have already been stolen by vandals.

PRIORITIES ALL WRONG
The Ministry of Defence spent nearly Ł70m on external advisers in 2004 - almost enough to pay for the 3,000 frontline troops axed in Geoff Hoon's defence reforms.

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ONLY IN BRITAIN
Heavy snow storms will sweep across Britain this week, forecasters have warned.........meanwhile, people must use less water or face rationing as the country suffers its worst drought in a century.

ANOTHER CRACKDOWN
Thugs who shout and swear at nurses will face fines of up to Ł1,000 under a crackdown to protect NHS staff in a clampdown on violence and abuse in hospitals. Would this be a similar "crackdown" as the ones for illegal immigrants, vandalism, street violence, binge- drinking, gun crime, fly-tipping, litter, grafitti, mugging...................?

ROYAL COCK-UP
Prince Charles changed the venue of his wedding because it would have meant ordinary couples could marry inside Windsor Castle. Royal aides found they had not properly checked the rules for registering the castle as a wedding venue. An aide said, "We'd have had to make it regularly available for three years, not just one event. It is not that we don't want everybody to get married there but the castle can't accommodate it." But it WOULD be big enough for a ROYAL wedding!

IT DOESN'T OFFEND CHRISTIANS
A theatre condemned a violent demonstration against a play which angered the Sikh community. Hundreds of Sikhs gathered outside Birmingham Repertory Theatre and a few tried to storm their way in, forcing the show to be halted. Behzti (Dishonour), written by Sikh playwright Gurpreet Bhatti, explores issues of sexual abuse, manipulation and relationships inside a Gurdwara, a Sikh place of worship. The theatre says it is a work of fiction and makes no comment about Sikhism as a faith or its followers in general. It said short of "blatant censorship" and cancelling the production, it could not have done more to appease the Sikh community. See: Comments

COUNCIL TOSSERS
A kids' playhouse has been threatened with council legal action, while 50 gipsies camp illegally nearby. Furious dad Justin Pipe has been ordered to demolish the 10ft by 8ft hut in his garden as it breaks planning laws. Justin got the letter the day gipsies set up camp two months ago 400 yards away in the picturesque village of North Curry, Somerset. Before the council could act the travellers parked 16 caravans and mobile homes, and installed driveways, fences and lavatory blocks. Taunton Deane Council said, "We appreciate the feelings of the family, but the playhouse should be moved or dismantled." The village of North Curry sums up why local councils are thought of as being run by tossers.

BRITISH JUSTICE
Uninsured Sajid Hussain was told by a court to pay seven-year-old Daniel Hennessy Ł2,555 after leaving him for dead in a street two years ago. But Hussain has only handed over Ł67 so far after pleading he was too poor to pay more than Ł3 a week. Now Hussain’s lawyer Richard Birtwistle told magistrates in Rochdale, Greater Manchester, they had exceeded their power by making the original order to Daniel, who is paralysed from the waist down. He said claims involving uninsured drivers should be dealt with by the Motor Insurance Bureau and he insisted Hussain was entitled to be reimbursed.

WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.....
A man was arrested after allegedly shooting a suspected burglar at his farm in Ockbrook, Derbyshire. Kenneth Faulkner, 73, called police at 6am to say that his garage was being burgled and officers later found a man nearby with pellet wounds in his leg. Police say 22-year-old John Rae was injured during a disturbance in which a shotgun was fired. The farmer and the victim who was suffering minor injuries, were both arrested and the young man was taken to Derby Royal Infirmary where he received treatment. The farm had previously been targeted three times by burglars in recent months when four shotguns were stolen from the property. Kenneth Faulkner will not face any charges. Prosecutors said the decision not to charge him had not been taken lightly.

JUSTICE? WHAT JUSTICE?
The families of murdered ten-year-olds Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman are to get just Ł11,000 each in compensation from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Scheme, which pays out to victims of crime. The maximum payout under the Government scheme is Ł500,000 but parents of child murder victims receive far less. The Ł11,000 the families will receive is the same as for a victim of crime who loses their sense of smell or taste or suffers a damaged wrist or dislocated hip. In 2003, the Home Office paid Ł248,000 damages to fraudster Karl Jones after he fell over in a prison shower. The Soham families may also receive “reasonable” extra payments to cover funeral costs. See also: Crime Pays

OVER-THE-TOP RULES
Barry Jackson photographed his nine-year-old son at a public swimming pool after the lad asked him to take a picture. A lifeguard immediately approached and told him taking pictures was banned. He was told that if he wanted to take pictures he would have to seek permission from everyone who was there. The company defended the rules, designed to stop paedophiles.

SERIOUS CRIME
James Billing was fined Ł40 for wearing a fancy dress leather mask. He was hit with an on-the-spot penalty for causing a “nuisance” as he walked home from a party. Police told him his mask with a zip mouth and cut-out eyes could frighten women. James joked, “I frighten more women without a mask on."

He added, "A police officer asked, ‘Why are you wearing that costume?’ I replied, ‘Why are you wearing yours?’ He wasn’t amused.” A spokesman for Scotland Yard said, “It is an offence to behave in a disorderly manner in a public place while being drunk.” And wearing a mask it seems.

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