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PUBLICITY
SEEKING COUNCIL
For four years residents of Westcroft
Street, Trowbridge, Wiltshire, had complained to
the council about their filthy rubbish-strewn
road. Finally, a vehicle turned up, two workmen
climbed out of the cab and posed with their
shovels and brooms for a photographer before
climbing back in and driving off. A few weeks
later the photo appeared on their doormats on the
front of a council tax booklet in which the
council announced it was spending £30,000 less
on street-cleaning for the next financial year.
Louise Knox, a spokesman for West Wiltshire
District Council, said the council was sorry for
"exciting" the residents. She said
despite the number of complaints the authority
did not have the resources to clean the road as
often as they would like, although it was cleaned
"every six to eight weeks". (Source: Mail on Sunday, Mar/07)
A SOCCER
BALLS-UP
A British soccer lout jailed for two
years in Portugal was freed after a legal bungle.
Garry Mann, branded a ringleader of Euro 2004
thugs, flew home after two DAYS in prison. He
will not serve his sentence here because the
Portuguese judge kicked him out of the country
before paperwork was complete.
The thug, jailed for throwing a bottle at cops in
the Algarve, had been told he would do his time
here. Prisoner exchange documents between
countries must be in place before they are handed
over, and that can take months. But trial judge
Filipe Marques rushed Mann out of Portugal along
with 11 other thugs. He was met by police at
Heathrow, but cannot be jailed.
Home Secretary David Blunkett has vowed to
"nail" the thug and said he was
determined not to let 46-year-old Mann get away
with it. Of course you are, Mr Blunkett, of
course you are.
THAT'S
THE WAY TO DO IT!
Ronnie Alden, a 70-year-old professional
Punch and Judy showman from Telford, was told he
can’t perform at the Woodside Primary
School, in Oswestry, because it might upset the
children. The school doesn’t like the idea
of puppets hitting each other with sticks and a
baby being thrown downstairs.
Mr Alden, who has been a Punch and Judy man for
sixty years, even offered to tone down the show
so that Mr Punch is slapped over the wrist
instead of being whacked over the head. But the
only acceptable modern version would be for Mr
Punch to be arrested and put on the sexual
offenders register.
Mrs Punch would be given a place at a battered
wives’ hostel and the baby taken into care
by social services before being adopted by a gay
couple. The crocodile would be rescued by animal
rights activists and the policeman charged with
institutional racism and brutality.
PLEADING
POVERTY
London's West End needs a £250 million
investment according to a new report. The 40
commercially owned theatres need the cash over a
15-year period to pay for refurbishments if they
are to survive. The Theatres Trust said:
"The renaissance of the West End can only be
brought about by refurbishing the buildings we
already have." The report suggests that West
End theatregoers spent around £789 million in
2001 for tickets, transport, accommodation and
restaurant visits.
The report adds: "Most theatre buildings
still reflect the conventions of a period when
theatre audiences were segregated into different
classes, when decent conditions were only
provided for a minority of the audience, and when
theatre-goers were physically smaller." It
warns: "Without an investment, the prospects
are bleak. Theatre audiences cannot be expected
to tolerate indefinitely conditions that reflect
theatre going 100 years ago."
The report says theatre owners will do all they
can to secure the funding but some Government
help will almost certainly be needed. It says
£48 million annually is recouped by the Treasury
in the form of VAT on West End ticket sales,
three times the amount needed each year to
finance the refurbishment. Cue Camelot, with
another lottery hand-out, stage right.
UNEMPLOYED
TO BE SCREENED
Unemployed people with poor English and
mathematics are to be forced to take courses to
improve their skills or risk having their
benefits cut. All benefits claimants, including
the disabled and single mothers, are to be
"screened" for basic numeracy and
literacy from April in a government plan to
improve employability. But the unemployed in test
areas will be singled out for compulsory courses
if they are found to be unable to express
themselves properly or read and write. They will
have their benefits reduced if they fail to
complete training. The move is likely to be seen
as an attempt to tackle Britain's "yob
culture" and high levels of illiteracy among
the unemployed which makes many ill-equipped for
work. Employers have complained that school
leavers cannot express themselves properly or
write fluent English.
The courses are likely to teach people the
difference between standard English and slang and
how to write a letter, fill in a form, reply in a
job interview and hold a telephone conversation,
using full sentences, with an employer. The
Department for Work and Pensions believes the
project will break down one of the main barriers
to the unemployed getting work and will also
identify and help hundreds of people who have
never learnt to read and write. In a government
advertising campaign to encourage people who
cannot read to seek expert help, a gremlin taunts
the illiterate and urges them to give up hope of
improving themselves. Under the new scheme, all
benefits claimants will be assessed from April
2004, and those who undertake the training will
be paid a cash incentive on top of their
benefits.
But in a dozen pilot areas, including South
London and Kent, job-seekers found to lack basic
skills will have to take courses in a compulsory
scheme expected to be rolled out across the
country. A spokesman for the department said,
"To encourage people to take this up if they
undertake the training they get £10 a week on
top of their benefits and £100 when they achieve
the qualification. We will also be making
claimants in 12 pilot districts complete
compulsory basic skills training. They will be
sanctioned if they do not complete the training
we think they need to undertake to get them ready
for work."
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