THE LLOYD NELSON COLUMN

Nelson's Wisdom

NO CHARGE
Under-16's found in London's West End after 9pm will be picked up by police and driven home. That should save them a few quid on cab fares.

HAPPY HOLIDAY
Holidaymakers face travel chaos as airport baggage handlers threaten strike action. Yes folks, it's summer!

NOT WORTH THE TIME
Rev Mark Sowerby put a sign next to the collection plate during a wedding service which read "Paper money only". Rev Sowerby, of St Wilfred's, Harrogate, North Yorks, said, "I am sick of counting small change to the value of Ł5 to Ł15 a wedding. Such gifts are not only insulting to God but I have better things to do with my time." He won't be suprised then if his future 'takings' drop considerably.

THUGS RULE
A boy aged EIGHT mugged two women pensioners, but police are powerless to act because children under ten cannot be prosecuted. The thug swore at a 73-year-old and tried to wrestle her to the floor. Two days later he attacked another elderly woman, who needed hospital treatment after being knocked over.

The gran said, “He sat on a wall looking totally innocent. I didn’t realise he had followed me until I entered an alleyway. All of a sudden he shouted, ‘Give us your f****** money’. He grabbed my shopping bag and twisted it, which hurt my arm. I ran (?) to a house where some people called the police.”

As the culprit was under the age of criminal responsibility, why were his parents not prosecuted as they would have been had he not been attending school?

POLITICS
Alan Milburn paid out Ł409,000 for a London bachelor pad. This is the same Alan Milburn who quit as Health Secretary to spend more time with his family in the North East. And the same Alan Milburn who later returned to the Cabinet.

ALRIGHT FOR SOME
Eurocrats have set aside Ł90million of taxpayers money to pay for private education for their kids.

NO EXPENSE SPARED
Posh and Becks are reserving TEN hospital rooms, an entire floor at a Madrid clinic, at a cost of Ł180,000 for the birth of their third baby because Victoria wants to avoid other mums. They have also hired a gynaecologist who delivers royal babies and a team of minders.

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GUN CAPITAL CITY
Nottingham City Councillors are to spend Ł200,000 on planting one million bulbs in a bid to make vandals and litterbugs "respect their surroundings". They say that the daffodils, bluebells and snowdrops will have a "tremendous impact on the problem of anti-social behaviour". That should make a huge difference - not. (Source: Sunday Mirror, Feb/06)

NEW CAR CRAP
The "new car smell" can damage your health, scientists claim. The whiff from glues, paints and vinyl may trigger headaches, sore throats, and drowsiness. Research in Australia has even found cancer-causing toxins in the fumes. Now car maker Toyota is changing manufacturing techniques to try to overcome the problem and if successful, US and European companies may follow suit.

SOD THE VICTIMS
Jon Venables, one of James Bulger's killers, was seriously injured in an unprovoked attack. He went to a hospital on Merseyside for treatment, although he is banned from returning to the area without permission from the Home Secretary. James Bulger's mum Denise is outraged that Venables was treated at a Merseyside hospital and said, "When he was released the judge ruled he should never enter the county of Merseyside. If he has breached his parole I want the Home Secretary to do his duty and put him back behind bars, no question about it." Won't happen though, will it?

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP
Dorset police warned people to be on the look out for a conman who has defrauded 30 people across the country. However, they won't release the man's name because it might infringe his rights under the Data Protection Act!

POLICE RACISM
White male recruits to the Metropolitan Police are having to wait up to three years to join as ethnic minority and women applicants are being prioritised. A spokesman for the Met said a more diverse force would deal with the community better and that the move does not amount to positive discrimination. No, its called racism. Government targets stipulate that 25% of Met Officers must be non-white by 2009. Irrespective of their ability, apparently. So the only way to promote 'equality' is through discrimination and that the thin blue line is being held by people who's main qualification is their ethnicity. This is further proof that discriminating one way is racist, but discriminating the other way is not.

MEDICAL TEAM
An aircraft passenger had a heart attack in mid-air. The pilot diverted to Heathrow and asked for the emergency services to meet the plane. The plane was met by a paramedic on a bicycle. The bikes are fitted with sirens and blue flashing lights and carry a defibrillator, oxygen, pain-killing gas, blood pressure monitor, dressings and bandages. Although an ambulance arrived on the scene 12 minutes after the woman landed, she was declared dead.

TERROR SUSPECT BULLIED
A Boadmoor nurse was suspended for stepping on a terror suspect's prayer mat. The male psychiatric nurse trod on the mat when he walked into Palestinian Abu Rideh's cell at the high-security hospital. But Jordanian-born Rideh complained that he had been "insulted" by the nurse. Rideh started up a petition to get the nurse kicked out for "bullying" him, for not showing enough respect and for verbally abusing him. A terror suspect complaining of being bullied?

CONTINUE ON A SEPARATE SHEET....
A couple and their 10 children must quit a church home. Karan and Ellis Johnstone claim they are being evicted from the four-bedroom vicarage to make way for a a part-time vicar and his wife. Denying this, the church says the couple lied about the number of their children when they took the rental. Karan and Ellis moved into the Ł550-a-month house with their four boys and six girls, aged one to 16, in May 2004. They admit that when applying for the property in Scarisbrick, Lancs, they said they had only three children. They claimed there was not room on the rental form to fill in any more names. A church spokesman said, "If they hadn't lied to us to start with we'd never have let the property to them."

PORN AGAIN
A Baptist couple spoke of their disgust after they claimed they bought a classic musical DVD featuring Doris Day from their local supermarket, only to discover it was an Italian porn film. Alan and Anne Leigh-Browne, from Wellington, Somerset, had been expecting to enjoy watching the Pajama Game, a romantic comedy. Instead the shocked pensioners said they were confronted by raunchy sex film, Tettone che Passione, which roughly translates as Breasts of Passion.

Mr Leigh-Browne explained, "We are big fans of Doris Day and were looking forward to the film, but we knew something was amiss when a warning flashed up on the screen advising under 18s not to carry on watching. Then some topless young women appeared and started talking in Italian, we were horrified, it's not what you expect from a Doris Day film. It was a pretty raunchy, explicit film, it certainly pulled no punches. My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing. The film became progressively more graphic, there was no plot to it, it was just sex."

The Leigh-Brownes were too 'shocked' to switch the film off but they said they complained to Safeway the following day. A spokeswoman for Morrisons, who now run Safeway, said they would be willing to investigate the incident. She said, "Regrettably the customers involved would neither leave their contact details nor return the DVD to their nearest store or head office after being urged to do so on several occasions." Presumably they are still so 'shocked' that they will have to watch it again!

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