MICROSOFT

Microsoft has announced that the long awaited Windows 7 will have all current spyware viruses already pre-installed to save consumers endless hours trawling porn sites to download them at home. The announcement was made live on-line today on both the official Windows site and www.chick-with-dicks.com

The latest version of the world’s most popular operating system will see desktop functions cut back slightly, with only two available backgrounds, the famed ‘blue screen of death’ and the classic Microsoft ‘404 not found’. The unexpected screen-freeze for which Microsoft has become synonymous has been upgraded to standard GMT timings, with fixed point freezing on the quarter hour and a full system lock out every sixty minutes.

With no further need for porn site exploring, the casual browser has been catered for with pre-installed software ‘wankfinder.sys32' which asks how much time you have alone, before finding the appropriate clip in a microsecond. The traditional enthusiastic dog with the wagging tail is replaced by an animated right hand. Any downloaded pornography from this application will now automatically be stored in a folder called DAD’S-PORN-KEPT-HERE on the desktop, to make it harder for spouses and children to locate.

When questioned during the launch Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was visibly proud of the overall effectiveness of the new operating system. He said, "By supplying all of the code already screwed up, Microsoft has cleverly outflanked all those hackers out there." As anticipated, Internet Explorer is not an option with Windows 7, with industry-wide polls over the past four years revealing 99.9% of users were already using Mozilla. However, Windows 7 will offer a Firefox (Virus Added Edition) plug-in as a shortcut on the desktop.

"Best of all we have made security issues much simpler," added Gates, "now all your passwords and security details are stored in a single text document which is made available on all the peer-to-peer file-sharing networks." The Serious Fraud Office said that they did not anticipate a significant rise in identity theft and added, "The likelihood of two computers using Windows both working at the same time remains slim." (Source: News Biscuit, Jun/09)

Microsoft has updated its popular Not Responding 2007 with a new multi media version, that automatically reduces the amount of work done on a computer by wiping the last hour’s worth. Ned Holliday, Microsoft’s UK avatar MD, said, "Not Responding 2009 is a whole new paradigm shift. It’s no longer enough to let people down with a simple system crash. Gone are the days of raging at a one dimensional system failure."

Holliday explained that mmodern professionals are demanding to be let down in a range of communications media, whether it’s voice over wifi, Skype, web conferencing or just using Microsoft’s plain old instant mortification. The system is designed to be compatible with Microsoft’s package for small and medium sized businesses, Professional Prevaricator 2008, the automated buck-passing system that allows middle management employees to appear to consider a decision without putting their heads above the parapet.

Some critics were worried that Prevaricator’s CC mail platform, that automatically dampens down any dangerous enthusiasm by getting as many people involved as possible, might not work well alongside a system that is designed for instant disappointment. A Microsoft spokesman said (in a press statement written by hand, after his Word Document had mysteriously wiped itself), "Executives in corporations across the globe are being asked to prove their worth to the company, or walk, the risk of exposure is critical. So they’ve never needed a system failure more than now." (Source: News Biscuit, Mar/09)

Microsoft has proudly announced a host of new ways to frustrate users and lower productivity with its new version of its celebrated Concentration Breaker software. The company’s stated aim was to build upon the success of previous productivity blockers, such as the Pop Up cartoon paperclip, the upgrade warnings and the indecipherable error messages. But ‘Concentration Breaker’ was not succeeding in completely stopping people from working, explained Bill Gates. He said, "These individual distractions are annoying, but they’re not the holistic, end to end, integrated distraction we believe is possible."

With Concentration Breaker 3.0 Microsoft has dreamed up a imaginative range of ways to stop you remaining focussed. The layout of your favourite application is automatically shuffled every time you switch on your computer, and the shortcuts alter even during the time you are using a given programme. The ‘Are you sure’ feature, traditionally one of the strongest areas for inducing frustration, has been greatly enhanced; now the user is asked twenty-one questions before he can send a single document to the printer. These include ‘What is the cube root of 512?’ and ‘What is the capital of Chad?’

The language software is now programmed to recognize definitive statements as they are typed into Word or emails, at which point an electronic voice will say ‘Rubbish’, ‘Not true’ or ‘You’re a big fat liar’. And best of all, in place of a paperclip or a little animated dog, the image of an ugly and aggressive man pops up at random moments and makes obscene gestures at you from the screen.

Unfortunately the official launch of Concentration Breaker 3.0 was cut short when the computer froze and all the work done that morning was permanently lost. At which point the assembled reporters realized that this too was part of the software’s work-preventing design and spontaneous applause broke out across the hall. The programme is expected to get rave reviews once the journalists have worked out which laptop keys now correspond to which letters. (Source: News Biscuit, Dec/09)