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ASBO THREAT
A homeowner who found a homeless migrant squatting in his shed was reprimanded by his council after burning the rubbish his unwanted visitor left behind. Ian Treasure was told off by officers from Peterborough City Council when he lit a bonfire and tried to burn Czech migrant Jozsef Szabo's old bedding. The official threatened him with an anti-social behaviour order unless the fire was extinguished immediately. As an alternative to burning the rubbish that littered his garden, Ian was advised to pay out of his own pocket for a skip.

And he claims the council worker suggested he should put a sign outside his shed to deter unwanted visitors like Szabo in future. Ian, from Peterborough, Cambridgeshire, said, "It seems to me that if you are a legal, taxpaying resident of this country there are laws that govern you but migrants are exempt from these. I've been asking the council for months to get rid of the migrants but they won't do anything, yet the second I do something wrong they come straight round." (Source: Daily Mail, Apr/10)

APATHY PARTY COULD WIN THE ELECTION
Apathist leader, Kevin Dullard,said, "In the last General Election, 39% of the electorate didn’t vote. If that figure were translated into parliamentary seats we could win an overall majority. Not that we would bother to turn up of course." Speaking at the Apathy party conference, a lacklustre affair at The Dog and Duck, Chipping Norton, Kevin said, "We have no idea how to run the country and we haven’t got any policies, so in that sense we combine the very best of both Labour and Conservative." A recent boost in the opinion polls coincides with the launch of The Apathist election manifesto. Kevin confessed, "I say manifesto, it’s really just a few ideas scribbled on the back of a fag packet."

The manifesto will be accompanied by a Post-it note campaign with the slogan, "I’ve never voted before and chances are I won’t be bothering this time either." Peter Kellner, of polling organisation, YouGov, said, "We cannot underestimate the power of the ’shrug vote’. We used to get quite a lot of ‘don’t knows’ but now it is mostly ‘don’t cares’ and ‘they’re all the bloody sames’. The Apathy Party don’t even have a campaign strategy but they could very well win this election by default." The success of the Apathists is all the more remarkable since they have one of the lowest party memberships in the country.

Kevin said, "Our lack of members only goes to show just how popular we are. Basically, it’s just me and my girlfriend Sharon, and she’s thinking of leaving." The core vote for Apathy is among so called ‘young people’. Various attempts to politically engage them have so far proved unsuccessful despite a recent pledge by Dermot O’Leary to sleep with every first time voter. Kevin ended by saying, "It doesn’t matter what they do, nothing can stop the march of the Apathists…except perhaps the Nihilists, but don’t waste your vote on them. That would be pointless." (Source: News Biscuit, Mar/10)

UNIVERSE TO SHUT DOWN FOR A YEAR
User groups have criticised God’s plans to close the Universe next year to carry out essential maintenance work. The decision follows reports that there are serious design flaws in the cosmos that are preventing it from achieving its full potential. "The Universe is perfectly safe," insisted God, "but people need to remember that it is a prototype and, at this early stage, there will be some teething problems."

Stephen Hawking disagreed however, and described God’s creation as ‘riddled with black holes.’ The closure is just the latest in a long line of problems to dog the Universe ever since it began operating 13.7 billion years ago, most notably the controversial recall of millions of galaxies found to have faulty gravity. Engineering work begins in late 2011 during which time a replacement bus service will be running. (Source: News Biscuit, Mar/10)

TEENAGERS IN PROTEST OVER DELINQUENT SHOPKEEPERS
A group of teenagers made a fresh appeal to ministers for something to be done about the growing number of shopkeepers who congregate outside youth clubs throughout the country. Fifteen-year-old Jaydon Wilkes, who presented a petition containing over 10,000 signatures to officials at Downing St, said, "They are making our lives hell. All they do is hang around outside our clubs, and when we arrive or leave they shout their special offers at us. The other day one of them got really aggressive when I told him I didn’t want to buy any out-of-date crisps, however much he reduced the price. It’s getting so we’re scared to go out alone." These sentiments were echoed by another youngster at the protest, Beckham Johnson, also 15

He said, "They just don’t seem to have any respect for their youngers. Once, one of them came into our club whilst me and my mates were playing pool, and just grabbed one of the pool balls before running away. He left £1.20 on the side of the table, then when we left he was taunting us that he was going to sell it for £2.00." One of the shopkeepers, Malcolm ‘Malky’ Milton, who asked to remain anonymous, explained their reasons for terrorising the teenagers. He said, "It’s the supermarkets, innit? They take our business away and then there’s, like, nowhere else for us to go buyin’ and sellin’ an’ stuff. What we s’posed to do? Ain’t our fault them teenagers don’t like us, we ain’t doing them any harm or nothing." (Source: News Biscuit, Mar/10)

COUNCIL CUTS DOWN TREES AS DETERRENT AT DOGGING SITE
A council has backed the removal of 6,000 trees at a beauty spot, saying that the clearance will deterrent to people meeting for sex in the woods. The conifers were felled on the 12 hectare site on the outskirts of Darwen, Lancashire, after a "health and safety survey." United Utilities cleared the huge expanse of forest alongside the busy A666 claiming some of the trees, planted after the Second World War, were in danger of falling down.

But police and councillors have said that the cull was also ordered to discourage strangers from meeting for sex at the known 'dogging' hotspot. Jean Rigby, a local councillor, said, "The area will be replanted with native species that, in 20 years, people will see the benefit of. I'm more than happy this is being carried out, and it has a double whammy in terms of the sexual behaviour. I've heard anecdotally that since the trees have been cleared, it's quietened down a lot!"

Another councillor, Colin Rigby, said, "It's essential work that United Utilities are carrying out, and cutting the trees back also works as a deterrent to people who go dogging." Sgt Mark Wilson, of Lancashire Police's Darwen Neighbourhood Policing team, explained, "It's an ongoing problem and very worrying for members of the public. It's far too early to tell if cutting the trees back has had any impact on the dogging situation, but we'll be paying regular attention to the area."

To minimise the impact on the local wildlife in Darwen, park rangers carried out the felling outside the bird breeding season with wildlife from the 20-metre deep strip than runs alongside the road, being moved to the wood behind. A spokesman for United Utilities said, "They were old and at risk of falling into the road causing an accident. Following a health and safety survey, a license was applied for and granted through the Forestry Commission to fell them. We are re-planting the area with natural broad leaf trees." (Source: Daily Telegraph, Mar/10)

NAKED MAN IN NUDE FUEL PRICE PROTEST
A German man, apparently angry over high petrol prices staged an unusual protest, by buying his petrol completely naked (except for a pair of shoes.) The unnamed man drove his car into a petrol station in Bad Klosterlausnitz, Germany, while wearing only a pair of black shoes. Station manager Frank Hollmotz said, "I guess he didn't want to get his feet dirty. He climbed out of the car in full view of the CCTV cameras and filled up, then walked into the shop to pay.

He then went back to the forecourt and climbed into his car and left." Staff said they would not file a complaint with police, as the naked protest hadn't made staff feel threatened and they added that they were not exactly sure if it was even a crime, as the petrol station is private property. There were several angry protests in Germany over Easter after petrol companies were accused of driving up prices ahead of the Easter holiday. It's not clear exactly how buying your petrol naked makes this point. (Source: Metro, Apr/10)

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