| Terrorist Attack |
TOO
BAD
£270,000 if you're an American.. but
just £27,000 if you're British. Families of
British soldiers killed in Iraq get a tenth of
compensation given to US victims. |
MONEY
NO OBJECT
The government is spending nearly
£30million on kit for the Iraqi security forces
in a bid to withdraw British troops as soon as
possible. A senior Army source said, "The
Iraqis will be better equipped than British
troops were." |
GOOD
NEWS AND BAD NEWS
British troops in Iraq cheered Tony Blair after
he told them that they were going home. The PM
told soldiers in Basra that a phased pull-out
from the war zone could begin at the end of May
2006. However, Major General Patrick Cordingley
said British troops may never pull out of Iraq
unless problems with the country’s police
are resolved. |
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IRAQ CONFLICT
Under the
Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
(1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to
place yourself on standby for possible compulsory
military service in the Iraq Conflict. You may shortly be
ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join
either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal
Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of
P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the
deplorable state in which they were returned after the
Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make
your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have
been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips
with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take
advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little
£9.99 trip).
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent
years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself
with the following equipment as soon as possible:
N Combat Jacket
N
Trousers (preferably khaki — but no
denim)
N Tin
helmet
N Boots
(or a pair of sturdy trainers)
N Gas
mask
N Map of
the combat zone (the Ordnance Survey 1:2800
Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
N Rifle
N
Ammunition (preferably to suit previous
item)
N Suntan
oil
If you are
in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering
all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X
registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only
available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event
of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial
in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin
will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75
per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means
testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually
lose.
There may be little time for formal military training
before your departure and so we advise that you hire
videos of the following films and try and pick up a few
tips as you watch:
| Recommended |
Not Recommended |
The Guns of
Navarone
Kelly's Heroes
A Bridge to Far
Zulu
The Longest Day
Apocalypse Now
Blazing Saddles
The Desert Song |
Khartoum
Bravo
Two-Zero
Zulu Dawn |
To mentally prepare yourself for your
mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert
Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be
involved.
Yours faithfully,
G Hoon,
Ministry of Defence.
A Bush-Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III
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