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DOG GIVEN PARKING TICKET
An Australian traffic warden fixed a parking ticket to a dog's lead after it was 'parked' illegally outside a shopping centre. The dog was tied to a fence outside Darwin's Rapid Creek market when it was approached by two city council traffic wardens. One of the inspectors wrote out a ticket and taped it to the dog's lead. Witness Ray McEvoy said, "I watched an elderly lady and her very faithful dog roll up at the market."

He added, "The lady tied the dog to the fence, gave him a bowl full of water and off she went into the markets. Then two traffic inspectors came along. They had a bit of a talk and, to my amazement, wrote out a warning infringement notice for the dog and taped it to his lead rope." Council spokesman Grant Fenton said a dog was considered to be "at large" if the owner was not there. He said, "You can't tie up a dog and leave it." (Source: Ananova, Sep/09)

APOLOGIES FOR NOT ANNOUNCING WATER SHORTAGES DURING RECENT FINE WEATHER
National water suppliers have apologised for not automatically announcing a water shortage this year. Companies have cited a software glitch as the cause for the delay in the usual round of water shortage scaremongering. A spokesperson said, "The new system, linked directly to the Met Office, is supposed to automatically release a press release announcing water shortages at the merest hint of sunshine, it’s a much cheaper way of saving water than mending leaking pipes."

They added, "Unfortunately, the threshold settings were set incorrectly this year, so the system didn’t work." The companies have embarked on a joint million-pound project to fix this problem, to be paid for by a rise in domestic water rates. The spokesperson explained, "A hike in your monthly water bill will ensure that future drought warnings will be bang on time." (Source: News Biscuit, Aug/09)

BBC ANNOUNCER SACKED FOR WARNING THAT EASTENDERS "IS ACTUALLY CRAP TONIGHT"
A former BBC1 announcer is challenging the termination of his contract for what he claims were simply honest appraisals of forthcoming programmes. "Reithian values dictate that the BBC should educate, inform, and entertain," said announcer Rob Durham, "I just couldn’t with a clear conscience announce that Cash in the Attic was going to blow anyone’s intellectual skirt up."

Prior to his dismissal Durham has faced several disciplinary actions, most recently for proposing that viewers "may find the Channel 4 documentary on Byzantine architecture more edifying than Seaside Rescue" and for suggesting that Holby City was "cockney rhyming slang". But the BBC is standing firm, insisting that Durham’s contract explicitly forbids continuity announcers from "expressing derogatory opinions about any of the corporation’s output, even when it’s patently shite". (Source: News Biscuit, Aug/09)

WAITING-ROOM MAN INSISTS ON FINISHING READING HIS MAGAZINE ARTICLE
John Howarth, an outpatient at a Healthcare Trust in Hampshire, received a standing ovation from fellow visitors after refusing to see the doctor until he had completed the consumer review of ironing boards he was reading in March 2006’s Good Housekeeping Magazine. He said, "They’d had me here since 8.45 but by then it was going on 11 and I’d just reached the conclusions section. So instead of leaping out of my chair as is usual, I just raised a finger and asked them to hold on a sec."

Following gasps of astonishment from fellow patients, the waiting room stood up as one to applaud the stance. "I’ve never seen one of them do that before," observed the clinic’s nurse, before insisting that he was sure that Howarth’s flouting of convention in keeping the doctor waiting would in no way be reflected in the approach taken to delivering his planned colorectal procedure. (Source: News Biscuit, Aug/09)

VOLUNTEER FACES £480 BILL FOR CLEANING RIVER
A community-spirited man who helped clear 120 tyres from a river faced a £480 bill to dispose of them after authorities refused. Farmer Roy Hart and a team of volunteers cleaned up a polluted stretch of river, removing fly-tipped rubbish including the old tyres. However, his good deed backfired when both the Environment Agency and Basildon District Council, in Essex, refused to take responsibility for the rubbish. He was left facing paying £480, £4 per tyre, to have them taken away.

He said, "We took the trouble to get in the river and clear everything, which was a day's worth of hard work. Everyone has been passing the buck. Maybe they'd rather we had left them in the water." He claimed he felt he was being 'punished for showing a bit of community spirit'. Basildon council collected four piles of rubbish, including shopping trolleys and ropes, which had been removed from the River Crouch.

Mr Hart added, "But when I phoned the Environment Agency, they said it was not their responsibility as the tyres hadn't posed a flooding problem and to go back to the council." Hugh Reynolds, manager of Basildon council's street services, said, "The Environment Agency has enforcement powers for pollution control, and we would expect them to investigate this issue." But the Environment Agency said, "We are only responsible for clearing rivers if there is a flood risk and there was no flood risk here." Basildon council latere agreed to collect the tyres for free. (Source: Metro, Aug/09)

W**K TELLS F**KING TO GET A GRIP
Fed-up residents of the Austrian town of F**king are being offered a helping hand by their German neighbours in a town named W**k. The people of F**king have grown tired of English-speaking tourists acting out their village's name but residents of the German town of W**k have told them grasp the opportunity.

Juergen Stoll, who runs the W**k guest house, said, "The people in F**king should cash in on their fame. I have so many visitors here at the W**k guest house that we have the mattresses all in a line in one big room for people to sleep on. Otherwise we couldn't fit everybody in. If the name helps to bring the tourists in, then why not cash in on it? In these credit crunch times every little helps."

In summer visitors can take hikes up the 1,780 metre W**k Mountain, or, if they prefer, take it easy in the four seater W**k cable car that goes all the way to the peak. There are numerous opportunities to enjoy paragliding at W**k, and in winter it's possible to go skiing on the W**k piste. A W**k tourism spokesman said, "There are W**k postcards on sale although many people prefer to take their own W**k holiday snaps standing beside Welcome to W**k signs."

F**king recenty announced plans to install CCTV to deter tourists from lewd behaviour beside their roadsigns. The mayor of F***ing, Franz Meindl, previously complained, "We don't find it funny. We just want to be left alone. We don't harm anyone and just want to live in peace." (Source: Metro, Aug/09)

DOCTOR SAYS FRENCH MUST FART
A French doctor is urging his countrymen to take a more relaxed view of bodily functions for the good of their health. Frédéric Saldmann says they should give free rein to farting, burping and sweating to reduce the risk of cancer. In his book, Le Grand Ménage, Dr Saldmann invites them to embrace the stereotypical British view of the French. The French, he says, should "dare to fart". Getting rid of the two litres of gas produced each day is a "natural process" and retaining it can be harmful to the intestines. Similarly, he says his countrymen should feel free to belch at will and certainly after each meal.

This, he says, is the best way to reduce the risk of getting a hiatal hernia, an ailment which affects almost a third of French people. Keeping air in the stomach leads to more heartburn, which increases the risk of cancer of the oesophagus. The rise of this disease in France, he says, is due to "the burp that we no longer do". Dr Saldmann also recommends throwing out anti-perspirants. He writes, "To block sweat not only stops the elimination of toxins but also a certain number of messages that are potentially very attractive to the opposite sex." Dr Saldmann also recommends cutting down on chewing gum, never eating while walking and reducing the intake of fizzy drinks. (Source: Ananova, Apr/08)