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HIGHWAYS AGENCY WARNS OF CLEAR STRETCH ON M3
The Highways Agency today issued an urgent warning to motorists about possible free-flowing traffic on the M3 between Junctions 11 and 12. Drivers have been advised to consider taking alternative routes in order to encounter delays, or to postpone non-essential journeys to avoid disappointment.

An embarassed spokesman said, "We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. We thought we had the entire motorway covered with cones and speed restrictions, but I’m afraid this two-mile stretch slipped through the net." The blunder comes at a particularly bad time for the Highways Agency after all four lanes of the M25 remained open for the entirety of the recent bank holiday weekend. (Source: News Biscuit, Sep/09)

JOB SEEKERS ROLE-PLAY KIT
The Early Learning Centre has incorporated the current recession in its product range by launching a play-at-home Job Centre set for children aged 3-8. The kit includes a counter window with toughened glass, lots of forms to fill in and a range of patronising responses to excuses for failing to find work.

A spokeswoman for the ELC said, "We’ve always tried to make toys that educate children about the world and there’s no doubt this will stand them in good stead for when the time comes to claim benefits themselves." The product was tipped to be a Christmas best-seller, but sales slowed after children were pushed to the back of the queues for display models by their parents. (Source: News Biscuit, Sep/09)

EVICTED FROM CAVE WITH NO FIRE EXIT
An eco-warrior has been evicted from the cave he lives in on his allotment patch in Brighton, East Sussex, because it doesn't have a fire exit. Hilaire Purbrick has inhabited the seven-foot cave he dug on his plot and dined off the land for the past 16 years. But after having the dwelling checked by the fire brigade, Brighton and Hove City Council decided it did not have enough exits and sought an injunction banning him from entering it.

Mr Purbrick ignored the order and continued to live in the cave, but was hauled back into court when a judge granted the council a possession order which will allow him to be formally evicted and banned indefinitely from the site. Granting the possession order at Brighton County Court, Judge Jonathan Simpkiss said there were legitimate health and safety concerns that the cave could collapse. He said, "The council considers this was a danger to life. They have a responsibility to the public."

He now plans to take his fight to the European Court of Human Rights, claiming his right to a private life and freedom has been breached by the order. He said, "I am still living there and intend to continue to do so. I know lots of people in this town who live in houses with only one door with no fire exit." Mr Purbrick's decision to appeal to the European courts was made after the judge refused leave to appeal in a UK court, saying it was a "hopeless cause of trying to resist the inevitable". (Source: Daily Telegraph, Jun/09)

BRIDE SCRAPS WEDDING OVER PORN SECRET
A Bristol woman has cancelled her church wedding after discovering her fiance is a secret porn star. Haylie Hocking only found out Jason Brake made adult films just weeks before the big day. It happened when a friend organising her hen night searched online for a male stripper and spotted Jason with a woman in a porn movie. Haylie called her vicar to cancel the wedding saying, "There was no way I could marry an adult film star."

The pair met when Jason became a customer at the garage where Haylie worked. He told her he was a personal trainer and the couple began dating. He regularly bought her flowers and jewellery, often went away at weekends, telling her he was training clients in a gym. After eight months, he proposed and bought her a diamond engagement ring but then his secret emerged. Jason said, "The sex side is purely for the camera, but Haylie did not understand I was only acting. I am sorry and did not want to hurt her. I still love Haylie and would have stopped doing porn if she had asked me to." (Source: Ananova, Jun/09)

DEAD MAN GETS MANY PARKING TICKETS
Police in New York repeatedly ticketed an illegally parked minivan for weeks before noticing that its occupant was dead. The body of George Morales was discovered after a city marshal attempted to tow the vehicle away from underneath a flyover in the city's Queens district. Jennifer Morales said she last spoke to her father a month earlier and believes he may have died from a heart attack while sitting in the family's Chevrolet Ventura.

When the vehicle was towed away a number of summonses were left on the windscreen. The daughter said she had contacted the authorities about her father's disappearance, but police say they have no report on record. NYPD said they were looking into Ms Morales' allegations. A spokesman for the police department added, "When we do a summons on a car we do not inspect its contents." (Source: Metro, Jun/09)

LAMBETH COUNCIL - TOSSERS!
Douglas Groves, 70, had a heart by-pass operation four years ago and subsequently suffered renal failure, requiring dialysis three times a week. Two strokes have left him unable to walk more than 50 yards before becoming so breathless he has to sit down. When he applied to renew his blue badge parking permit, Lambeth's jobsworths fixed a date to interview him three days after his current permit ran out. Then, on the day it expired, without warning they turned up at his house, towed his car away and charged him £250 to get it back.

Despite a GP's letter outlining Mr Groves' life-threatening disablities, Lambeth's Mark Plonka, customer services manager, says Mr Groves does not now meet any of the criteria needed to secure a disablity parking permit, even though his health has deteriorated since he last qualified. Steve Davidson, assistant investigations officer, concluded that Mr Groves had "committed a serious offence", but graciously, the council had decided it was "inappropriate to institute proceedings".

The £250 was a "civil matter", he was told. Lambeth said new national rules introduced in 2008 had tightened up the criteria for parking permits. Mr Groves had been examined by an "independent physiotherapist" who decided he didn't qualify. How a physiotherapist can overrule a doctor's concerns about renal failure, a heart condition and a stroke, it has failed to explain. (Source: Private Eye, May/09)

FINE FOR MOTORIST IN YELLOW LINE TRAP
Money-grabbing council contractors lifted up a mum's car, painted double yellow lines under it and then towed it away. Ruth Ducker was told she would have to pay £840 to get her VW Golf back. She protested but it took two months for the council to admit what had happened and by then fines had piled up to £2,240.

Contractors National Car Parks had also towed the car a day before the no parking zone came into force. It was only when Ruth's MP Kate Hoey took up the case that the fines were waived. A spokesman for Lambeth Council said, "This was an unacceptable case. We are very sorry." He said Ruth had been offered compensation of £150. (Source: Ananova, May/09)

COUNCIL FILLS IN HALF A POTHOLE
Council workmen filled in only half of three huge potholes, as the other halves were not on council land. Workmen finally arrived to tackle the potholes, in Bloxwich, West Midlands, but after the contractors left, residents discovered that three of the potholes had been filled in only halfway across. The reason was because the boundary between the council land and housing association land runs straight through the holes.

The council said it could not carry out repairs on privately owned land without permission because it could be held responsible in the wake of any subsequent "incident". Walsall Council, which employed the contractors, said the repairs were a temporary measure. However, it has since consulted with Walsall Housing Group and said all of the potholes would be completely filled in when the repairs are made permanent. (Source: Ananova, May/09)