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TO BE OR NOT TO BE, INNIT?
A British satirist has translated 15 of Shakespeare's classic plays into chav speak. Martin Bauam's updated version of Hamlet reveals, "Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark." The Danish prince, who is re-named Amlet, asks, "To be or not to be, innit?", while Romeo pines for his "fit bitch Jools". Mr Baum's other titles include Macbeff, Much Ado About Sod All, De 'Appy Bitches of Windsor, De Taming of de Bitch, Two Geezas Of Verona and All's Sweet That Ends Sweet, Innit. Mr Baum's version of Romeo and Juliet states, "And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other." Should get loads of respect from the Stratford-upon-Avon massive! (Source: Ananova, Apr/08)

WOLF-WHISTLING BAN FOR BRICKIES
Building company George Wimpey, has banned its bricklayers from wolf-whistling at women because the "outdated" tradition has become a distraction for young househunters. Sales and Marketing Director Richard Goad told staff in a memo that Bristol builders would not be able to wolf-whistle from now on. The ruling currently applies only to the firm's Bristol sites, but it could be extended nationwide.

Mr Goad said, "In the 21st century the wolf whistle is out of place. Our buyers know what they want and the general feeling is that women won't stand for being whistled at by builders. Similarly, men report finding it insulting when their loved ones are whistled and it causes unnecessary tension on what should be an enjoyable search for a new home." (Source: Ananova, Apr/08)

COSMETIC CASTRATION BANNED
Health chiefs in Thailand have barred hospitals and clinics from castrating would-be "ladyboys" amid growing concern about the operation being seen as a cheap and quick alternative to a full sex-change. In a letter to 16,000 private health units, the Public Health Ministry said doctors performing the operation outside formal sex-change therapy, which requires rigorous physical and mental evaluation of the patient - faced up to six months in jail. However, senior health official Tara Chinakarn admitted that policing the temporary ban might be difficult as cosmetic removal of the testicles was such a quick operation and easy to conduct in secret. She said, "It's hard to track them down as it takes only 15-20 minutes to have the surgery." (Source: Metro, Apr/08)

AN ANTI-CRIME YOUTH CENTRE HAS BEEN STOLEN
Plans for a new youth centre to tackle teenage delinquency and crime have had to be put on hold, after the building was stolen. The prepacked building was delivered in boxes to the Austrian village of Traismauer ready to be put up the next day but were stolen by the time workers arrived to erect it. A recent wave of vandalism, theft and burglaries in the area had been blamed on youths and local authorities met to try and find a way to keep them off the streets. Mayor Johann Gorth said the new youth centre planned to give kids something else to do and get them involved in something positive. Police are investigating but fear some of the children that the youth centre was aimed at helping may have been involved in the theft. (Source: Ananova, Apr/08)

CHARGED WITH HAVING SEX WITH A TABLE
Art Price Jr faces indecency charges after allegedly having sex with a picnic table. He was seen shagging the garden furniture at his home in Bellevue, Ohio, on four occasions by a neighbour. The neighbour says that he saw Mr Price turning the table over before performing the sex acts on it. He reportedly carried out his naked table-bonking in broad daylight, very close to a local school. The fourth time, the neighbour videoed the incident as evidence. Police officer Matt Johnson said, "He was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table. Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around." (Source: Metro, Mar/08)

WOMAN SAT ON TOILET FOR TWO YEARS
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years. So long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police. Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital. Whipple said, "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body."

The boyfriend told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom but her reply was, "Maybe tomorrow." He called police to report that "there was something wrong with my girlfriend", although he never explained why it took him two years to call. Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied. Sheriff Bryan Whipple said she told him she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave. (Source: Live Leak, Mar/08)

PUBLIC SEX PLAN
Amsterdam has legalised public sex in one of the city's most famous parks. Councillors agreed that couples could have sex in the Vondelpark but they promised to clampdown on dog owners who let their pets walk in the park without a lead. A spokesman for the council said, "When the dogs are not kept on a leash they pee on whatever they see and they cause a lot of nuisance for other visitors."

Alderman Paul Van Grieken defended the decision to allow public sex in the park and said, "Why should we oppose a rule on something you can't oppose a rule on. Moreover it isn't a nuisance for the other visitors and gives a lot of pleasure to a certain group of people. There still are rules. They must take their garbage with them afterwards and never have intercourse near the playground. The sex must be limited to the evening hours and night." (Source: Ananova, Mar/08)

MAN INSTALLS ANTI-INTRUDER CATAPULT
A former stuntman has decided to protect his business with a Roman catapult loaded with chicken droppings after he became the target of vandals. Joe Weston-Webb, who fell victim to arsonists after they tried to set light to his offices in Kegworth, Nottinghamshire, is also using a cannon which once shot his wife Mary across the River Avon to fire a railway sleeper at intruders. He said the arsonists had caused £2,000 of damage to his offices. Four cars also had their tyres slashed at the home of his daughter Mary an hour before the arson attack. He is also installing 32 CCTV cameras.

Joe Weston-Webb added, "There's no way anyone will get caught for what they have done so I thought I would set up my own defence. I have put up a sign warning anyone who enters the property that they could get hit with a railway sleeper or chicken poo. I am sickened but nowadays these things are going on all the time and no-one gets any punishment. I have got all this old kit and I am going to put it to some use and stop it rather than letting it rot in a field." (Source: Metro, Mar/08)

ANTI-LEAK DOCUMENT IS LEAKED
A Ministry of Defence document advising staff how to stop documents leaking onto the internet has been leaked onto the internet. The Defence Manual of Security is intended to help MoD, armed forces and intelligence personnel maintain information security. But the 2,400-page restricted document has found its way on to Wikileaks, a website that publishes anonymous leaks of sensitive information.

The Joint Services Protocol 440 (JSP 440) was published in 2001 and is used as justification for the monitoring of certain websites, including Wikileaks. It says, "Leaks usually take the form of reports in the public media which appear to involve the unauthorised disclosure of official information (whether protectively marked or not) that causes political harm or embarrassment to either the UK Government or the Department concerned..."

The document is particularly keen to avoid the attentions of journalists, noting them as "threats" alongside foreign intelligence services, criminals, terrorist groups and disaffected staff. As far as traditional espionage and intelligence threats go, the document singles out the Chinese as having "a voracious appetite for all kinds of information; political, military, commercial, scientific and technical". (Source: Ananova, Oct/09)