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700 MILE TRACTOR JOURNEY DROVE OTHER DRIVERS MAD
German Wolfgang Mueller towed a caravan behind his tractor on a 700 mile pilgrimage to Britain. Long queues of irate motorists formed behind the retired farmer as he drove his restored 1963 Massey Ferguson at an average speed of 20mph to Coventry where it was built. Mr Mueller, from Stuttgart, began his journey by crossing the Rhine in a ferry and chugging along the borders of France and Luxembourg to get to Calais.

Once he had crossed the channel, he travelled through the English countryside on the quiet back roads, because his tractor was too slow for the motorway. Travelling at such a slow speed, Mr Mueller said he had a wonderful view of the countryside and was enjoying himself so much he didn't mind the horn honking and fist waving of frustrated drivers stuck behind him in long queues. I'll bet he picked up a few choice English phrases while he was over here! (Source: Daily Mail, Aug/07)

WIFE'S HANDY SOLUTION
A Chinese wife has cut her husband's right hand off because of his internet addiction. Jiang Ming of Chengdu city promised his wife, He Ling, that he would not go on the internet anymore and would spend more time at home to take care of their newborn son. But after a short time he started to sneak into nearby internet cafes again to have video chats with girls. He said, "I was on the internet, and suddenly felt a numbness in my right hand. The arrow on the screen stopped moving. Then I found that my right hand was on the mouse pad, and blood was shooting out." (Source: Ananova, Aug/07)

NAKED DRUNK DRIVER IS BANNED
A man was banned for drink driving after being pulled over by police almost completely naked. Craig Cook was stopped when he bumped into a police car while driving home with four friends and wearing only his shoes and socks. He pleaded guilty to driving with excess of alcohol and was banned at Whitehaven Magistrates Court. A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, "The passengers in the rear of the car were not apparently aware that Cook was naked." (Source: Metro, Jul/07)

GERMAN COP MISTOOK CANAL FOR ROAD
A German policeman left a Wiltshire pub and drove straight into a canal after mistaking it for a wet road. Jozef Cene drove out of the car park at midnight, stopped by the canal, indicated and plunged into the water. Locals at the Barge Inn in Honeystreet, Wiltshire, waded in to free Jozef from his submerged Fiat Punto.

His legs were trapped in the car door by the water pressure, but rescuers managed to haul him to safety from the chest-high canal. Jozef was breathalysed but it proved negative. The hire car was later winched out. He said, "I am very embarrassed. I saw the muddy water and thought it was tarmac. I am very grateful to the people who helped me out." (Source: Ananova, Jul/07)

LIVING THE DREAM
A Seattle teenager managed an impressive combination of activities last weekend, as he was arrested for driving drunk down the Interstate whilst naked and receiving oral sex. The 19-year-old's car was spotted by a state trooper as it drove erratically along Interstate 90 in Washington state. The car was speeding up and slowing down and swerving from lane to lane, so the officer stopped the vehicle.

Upon stopping the car, the trooper couldn't help but notice that both the occupants of the car were naked. The lady passenger, a 20-year-old, immediately began trying to cover herself up. The male driver, however, didn't try to disguise his nudity. The woman passenger explained that she had been performing oral sex on the driver, according to the police. The man has now been charged with driving under the influence, and the wonderful crime of 'embracing while driving'. (Source: Metro, Jun/07)

TRAIN DRIVER DIES FOR A PEE
Authorities believe that a German train driver died after he opened a door to have a pee while the train was moving. Officials began investigating after a train was stopped between stations in Berlin, as an electronic signal from its cabin alerted railway controllers that the train had no driver. Drivers have to press a safety button, a 'dead man's switch', at regular intervals, otherwise a computer on the train stops it automatically, and alerts authorities that there is a problem.

The driver was found dead with his trousers open by the side of tracks several hundred metres away from the train, and police now say that it appears he fell out of the locomotive after he opened a door to relieve himself from the train. The train was travelling at 70 mph at the time. A spokesman for the train driver's union, Maik Brandenburger, said, "It is not at all unusual that staff relieve themselves out of an open door while driving. With only one driver they cannot take a leak otherwise." He did however note that this would normally be done when the train was moving slowly. (Source: Metro, Jun/07)

A SPEEDING RELIANT ROBIN?
A tatty Reliant Robin packed with four people races down a road so fast it physically shakes a nearby police car. The lone front wheel then rears up in the air as the driver floors the accelerator and hits 70mph before crashing back down on the road in a shower of sparks. Oncoming traffic is forced to take evasive action as it dangerously overtakes another car before swinging into a pub car park and grinding to a halt.

Cambridgeshire police dragged driver Gordon Maltby to court over the alleged incident. But, after a three-day trial, he was cleared of dangerous driving in the three-wheeler, Del Boy and Rodney's preferred mode of transport, because it couldn't have driven as fast as was claimed. Asked afterwards what he thought of the verdict, the response was delivered with perfect comic timing. "Luvvly jubbly," he said.

Cambridge Crown Court heard how the 850cc vehicle came to the attention of officers when it allegedly sped past their unmarked Ford Mondeo in a 40mph zone and raced away at 70mph before parking at the nearby Greyhound pub. Mr Maltby insisted he sensibly overtook the police car at 40mph after it had slowed down outside a car showroom. The allegation of dangerous driving, he added, was "rubbish".

He was backed by independent accident investigator Graham Oakley, who said the Robin was incapable of doing 70mph with four people on board. The former Essex traffic police officer also explained it could not have lifted its front wheel off the ground or created sparks as it has a fibreglass body. Cambridgeshire police refused to comment on the case but a spokeswoman said, "We treat all motoring offences very seriously." (Source: Daily Mail, Jun/07)

BOGGED DOWN WITH PAPERWORK!
Health and safety officials are warning about the danger of toilet roll holders. Several workers at the Department for Education and Skills were hit on the head when empty dispensers sprang open. This has prompted civil service chiefs to issue an emergency alert urging people to take extra care at the DfES HQ staff toilets in Moorfoot, Sheffield.

An e-mail alert said, “Facilities management has been made aware of several incidents involving the toilet roll dispensers. Many have been hitting people on the side of the head. I know many of you will think this humorous but it is a serious issue. We will be looking at replacements. Our advice is take extra care when handling the dispensers.” (Source: The Sun, May/07)