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HISTORY
(From Odd Socks)
3050 B.C. - A Sumerian
invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen
and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing
the business code of ethics.
2900 B.C. - Egyptians create Sphinx, one
of Seven Great Wonders of the Ancient, but refuse to talk
about it.
1850 B.C. - Britons announce Operation
Stonehenge a success after arranging slabs in
sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse scientists
for centuries.
1785 B.C. - The first calendar is
introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C. - Babylonians experience
winter in June.
776 B.C. - The world's first known money
appears in Persia. World's first known counterfeiter
appears in Persia next day.
525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held
in Greece. USSR enters six footer with a moustache in
women's shot put.
410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of
enslaving debtors, removing biggest single obstacle to
the development of the credit card.
404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war enters
27th year because neither side can find a treaty writer
who can spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese
people complete 1,500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbour's
dog gets through.
1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers argue
over what to call next year.
79 A.D. - Property in Pompeii turns out
to be bad investment.
432 A.D. - St. Patrick introduces
Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives topic
to fight about for the rest of recorded history.
1000 A.D. - Leif Ericsson discovers
America and decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043 A.D. - Lady Godiva demonstrates
against high taxes, causing all to forget what she's
demonstrating against.
1125 A.D. - Arabic numerals are
introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve how much
tax each owes on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI
percent bracket?
1233 A.D. - Inquisition begins. Practice
is so un-Christian it's permitted to continue for only
600 years.
1297 A.D. - World's first stock exchange
opens. Few have foresight to buy IBM.
1433 A.D. - Portugal launches African
slave trade, proving what a small nation can do with a
little ingenuity and much evil.
1456 A.D. - English judge reviews Joan
of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence of 1431.
1492 A.D. - Columbus lands in Bahamas,
names it San Salvador, and calls natives Indians.
1497 A.D. - Amerigo Vespucci becomes the
first to think of naming the new world in honour of
himself...the United States of Vespuccia!
1508 A.D. - Michelangelo accedes to
Pope's demands to paint ceiling of Sistine Chapel, but
refuses to wash the windows.
1513 A.D. - Ponce de Leon finds the
Fountain of Youth, but dies of old age trying to remember
where.
1522 A.D. - Scientists, who know the
world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way
around by crawling across the bottom.
1568 A.D. - Upset by the slander of his
good name, Russian leader kills 100,000 peasants to make
them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1618 A.D. - Britain executes Sir Walter
Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1670 A.D. - Pilgrims, busy burning
witches, fail to observe golden anniversary of winning
religious freedom.
1755 A.D. - Samuel Johnson issues the
first English Dictionary, at last providing young
children with a source of dirty words.
1763 A.D. - The French and Indian War
ends. Both sides lose.
1770 A.D. - The shooting of three people
in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200
Years later, three shootings in Boston are average for a
Saturday Night.
1773 A.D. - Colonists dump tea into
Boston Harbour. British call the act
"barbaric", noting that no one added milk.
1776 A.D. - Napoleon maintains
neutrality during American Revolution, primarily because
he's seven years old.
1793 A.D. - "Let them eat
cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie
Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing
she ever said. Also, the last.
1805 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the
torpedo.
1807 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the
steamship to provide target for torpedos.
1859 A.D. - Charles Darwin writes
"Origin of the Species". Containing same
general plot as "Planet of the Apes", it fails
to gross as much money.
1894 A.D. - Thomas Edison displays first
motion picture, applauded by all but movie critics.
1903 A.D. - Opening of Trans-Siberian
Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach
Vladivostok in eight days, much sooner than most desire.
1910 A.D. - Founding of Boy Scouts of
America comes as bad news to independent old ladies at
traffic lights.
1911 A.D. - Rauld Amundsen discovers
South Pole and confirms his suspicions - it looks a lot
like the North Pole.
1912 A.D. - People with reservations for
the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920 A.D. - The 18th Amendment to the
Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. Everyone
stops, except for 40 million who don't.
1924 A.D. - Hitler is released from
prison four years early, after convincing parole board
he's a changed man.
1930 A.D. - Pluto is discovered, the
planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933 A.D. - Hitler establishes Third
Reich, announcing it will last a thousand years, an error
of only 988.
1938 A.D. - Great Britain and Germany
sign a peace treaty, averting World War II.
1944 A.D. - Hitler's promise of
Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the
war proves to be insufficient incentive.
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