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! If it's not politically correct to call a black person 'black', why do black people refer to themselves as black?

! Musical instruments in shops always attract people who can't play, never those who can.

! The bottom has fallen out of the thong market and cracks have appeared with G-string sales down 17%.

! As a result of a price war in the pharmaceutical industry, condoms have been slashed.

! Dogs are not intelligent. Never trust an animal that gets surprised by its own farts.

! Why do parents, who can't control their kids, have so many?

! It is legal to park on yellow lines at traffic lights if you drive a white van.

! Anyone understand the fashion for women to shave their pubes to resemble Adolf Hitler?

! The new edition of the Highway Code excludes cyclists from all regulations on the basis that they ignore them anyway.

! A law just passed by the European Parliament has declared Monday mornings to be "an infringement of workers' fundamental human rights", and therefore illegal throughout the EU.

! For safety reasons, it is necessary to close the outside lane of Bradshaw Way in order to water the flowers which are planted on the central reservation. To ensure maximum traffic disruption, the council chose to carry out this task.... at 6.00pm on a Friday!

! TV adverts and trailers take up as much air-time as the actual programmes.

! Technology has made it possible to design things to last just long enough until the guarantee expires. The days of items lasting 30 or 40 years have long gone.

! If you need a local tradesman to do work in your home, phone and get a quote. Arrange a time for them to call, and then wait. Quite often they don't turn up. If they don't want the work, why do they bother paying to advertise?

! After a school computer was stolen head teacher Diane Reddish said, "The computer would not be much use outside school. It's a curriculum computer so the only programmes on it are for school curriculum software." Obviously Ms Reddish is unfamiliar with computers and unaware of the ability to install different software on them.

! Everytime a product or service is 'improved', it invariably becomes worse.

! Officials think people might take anti-obesity more seriously if half the doctors and nurses they see weren't such lard arses.

! A man was approached in the street by a youth brandishing a knife and ordered to hand over his wallet. The victim threw a punch at the youth, breaking one of his teeth, who promptly fled. Police later visited the victim at his home and threatened to prosecute him for assault. The attacker was not charged.

! If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

! The fall in music sales is directly proportional to the accelerated crap the music industry is producing.

! What is it about TV cameras in the street that always attracts brain-donors who, in their presence, insist on waving, pulling stupid faces and acting like complete twats?

! You can keep puking long after you think you've finished.

! A 19-year-old man was talking to his friends in the street at around 9.45pm when two men called him across to them and asked him to store their numbers on his phone. When he started to key the numbers in, one of the thieves punched him in the face, while the other snatched his £300 phone.

! Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

! Firefighters released a 12-year-old boy who had locked himself in his mother's handcuffs, which he'd found while playing. Either his mum is a police officer or, whey-hey !!!......

! It's hard to believe speed cameras are only used to improve road safety when they are hidden behind road signs on a clear, straight dual carriageway which, for no explicable reason, has a speed limit of 30mph imposed upon it.

! Why do parents always take their kids to supermarkets to smack them?

! A man appeared in court for stealing a slide which the city council had thrown away - in a skip!

! No matter how much you care, some people are just arseholes.

! You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.

! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

! If you get rained on whilst travelling to work on foot or by bike, it will cease to rain, birds will begin to sing in the trees and all will become a picture of springtime bliss within 30 seconds of arriving at your destination. It will then proceed to start pissing down again at 5.30.

! Old ladies all have the same hair style, irrespective of which hairdresser they use.

! The same people who pay for £40 worth of groceries using loose change, then offer a £20 note for a 40p bus fare.

! At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

! One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get synchronised with a complete stranger.

! You're never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.

! Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.

! Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

! It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

! Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

! Old ladies can eat more than you think.

! You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

! There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

! The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

! People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.

! In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

! Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

! Whenever you walk towards a sliding door, there is a moment when you become convinced that the door isn't going to open and you are going to walk straight into it.

! It is impossible to walk on and off escalators without some loss of dignity.

! When you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window.

! Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

! Put six locks on your door, all in a row. When you go out, lock every other one. That way, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they're always locking three of them.

! Why do all people over the age of 69, insist on telling you their age?

! No one is listening until you fart.

! Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

! Adverts show you how detergent takes out bloodstains but if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

! Man steals beer from convenience store in his underwear. Police apprehend suspect after brief pursuit.

! Prison guard accused of giving porn to inmates. Says he wanted to make sure they were all doing hard time.

! Man who tries to kill his ex-wife with a bomb made from salad bowls, is promptly tossed in jail.

! The city council's plan to prevent people fly-posting for free in the city - is to charge them £3 to do it. They hope 15 new 2 metre-high cylindrical advertising pillars will tempt those responsible for fly-posting to pay for a legal place for their stickers. Please form an orderly queue..............
 

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