TOURISTS GUIDE TO BRITAIN 2

The following advisory for American travellers heading for Great Britain was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the British don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
Great Britain is a small-sized island (in fact smaller than Oregon) located in Western Europe. Despite its vigorous denials, as well as tentative attempts to poison the rest of Europe (beware, do not eat any beef product when visiting the country, you might never return), it is effectively part of Europe - albeit geographically - and is now physically linked to the Continent (what's more, to France!!) by a 35 km tunnel. Great Britain is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Millennium Dome and the Diana Museum and the Millennium Dome. Among its contributions to Western civilisation are Mrs Thatcher, mad cow disease and beer.

Great Britain likes to think of itself as a multi-cultural nation, yet has not yet settled the many international disputes that often disrupt politics on the international scene - Northern Ireland (with Ireland), Gibraltar (with Spain), the Falkland Islands, South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands (Argentina), the island of Diego Garcia (Mauritius), the Rockall continental shelf (Denmark, Iceland, Ireland), and the British Antarctic Territory (Antarctica). Trips to all of these places are organised by the Southampton Tourist Board and you can board a ship twice daily, with a complementary set of body armour and Kevlar helmet. The Britons speak an ill-formed version of American English with little use of Z's, where you walk on pavements and hire cars. So, when "queuing" at McDonalds, stay in line and point out what you want to order when you get to the front of the queue. If the shop is understaffed, be patient, this is an indication that the Parliament needed additional recruits.

Geography
The British climate is said to be temperate. In reality, more than half of the days are overcast. And in practice it rains 364 days a year. The rest of the time it snows. Natural resources include coal, petroleum, natural gas, limestone, malt and beer. Meadows and pastures occupy 48% of the land - this is to cater for the large number of wandering cows who were denied ownership by the farmers who were previously in charge of them.

The People
Great Britain has a population of 58 million people, the majority of whom are male, therefore addicted to public houses, beer and televisions sets. The latter mentioned majority are extremely adverse to romanticism, probably in yet another attempt to distinguish themselves from the rest of the European population. The Britons seem to spend their time queuing, and their money dying their hair blond or purchasing expensive personalised number plates for their vehicles.

They stick to the rules, any rules. For some strange reason they even seem to enjoy this, as they create new rules every time they play a game of "cricket" - a national sporting entertainment, in their own definition - with which, if subjected to sitting through a cricket match when visiting the country, you are fully entitled to, and even bound to, disagree.

The British people are in general distant, arrogant, disciplined (another example - sex is only to be practised in the missionary position) and incapable of speaking any language other than their own. "If in doubt, shout louder" seems to be the extent of polyglotism. A minority (1.9%) of the population is Welsh, and an even smaller minority (0.005%) speak Welsh. The male section of the Welsh population are easy to recognise as they often follow sheep - or any other animals - very, very closely. Other languages commonly recognised in Great Britain are Indian, Pakistani, Cantonese, Che-Chuan and Puli-Pilu.

History
Great Britain obtained independence on 1st January 1801, and no one ever wanted them to come back - e.g. Europe, the organisers of the World Cup, the Michelin Guide of best restaurants in the world. In the latter two instances, they are still trying. Their constitution is unwritten, and is mostly based on common law and practice. In other words, they do something wrong and it then becomes the norm. As the Britons are exceedingly disciplined (see section on The People), this is likely to lead quickly to disaster. Their complicated - though quite distinctive and attractive - flag is the result of a messy arrangement trying to put together the crosses of St. George (patron saint of England), St. Patrick (patron saint of Ireland), St. David (patron saint of Wales) and St. Andrew (patron saint of Scotland).

Culture
Rock. That's about it. Unless, that is, you appreciate the Spice Girls or line dancing. The rest is stolen from other countries - e.g. the entire content of the National Gallery - or from ancient times - the numerous markets and antique shops.

Economy
Great Britain's biggest export and import partner is Europe. The country exports machinery, fuel, chemicals, and no beer. It imports machinery, semi-finished goods, and no beer. The machinery they manufacture is obviously not good enough for them, they send it out and buy better ones from countries who have the expertise to manufacture them. As for beer, a good thing is to be got hold of and not to share. The Brit's have learnt their lesson well. Having said that, in line with their European xenophobia, they still manage to export more to Europe than they import.

Habits
Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , which they call a “wonk.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work here due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wonk — everyone will understand and forgive you.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wonk for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majest’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of three pence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).

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