| Ancient
Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote
in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert
and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere. |
| The Bible is full of
interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from
an apple tree. One of their children, Cain asked,
"Am I my brother's son?" |
| Moses
led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without
any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. He died before he
ever reached Canada. |
| Solomom had three hundred
wives and seven hundred porcupines. |
| The
Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. |
| Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name. |
| Socrates
was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his
career suffered a dramatic decline. |
| In the Olympic games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and
threw the java. |
| Eventually,
the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for very long. |
| Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:
"Tee hee, Brutus." |
| Nero
was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
subjects by playing the fiddle to them. |
| Joan of Arc was burnt to a
steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally
Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offence. |
| In
mid evil times most people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer
who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. |
| Another story was William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head. |
| Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a
queen she was a success. When she exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah." |
| It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
foot clipper. |
| The
greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He
wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish
was to be laid by Juliet. |
| Writing at the same time as
Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey
Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained. |
| During
the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered
America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the
Santa Fe. |
| Later, the Pilgrims crossed
the ocean and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were
born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this. |
| One
of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the
colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. Finally the colonists won
the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,
and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead. |
| Abraham Lincoln became
America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed
the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. |
| Meanwhile
in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltaire invented electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy. |
| Gravity was invented by
Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. |
| Johann
Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world
and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
Italian and half English. He was very large. |
| Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
in 1827 and later died for this. |
| The
French Revolution was accomplished before it
happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
children. |
| The sun never set on the
British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. |
| Queen
Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a
thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who
practiced virtue. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign. |
| The nineteenth century was
a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,
which did the work of a hundred men. |
| Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of
the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. |
| The First World War, caused
by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history. |
| One of the
processes which water can be made safe to drink
is called flirtation. This makes water safe to
drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. |
| If
you are buying a house a mortgage company may
insist you are well endowed. |
| Steroids are
things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. |
| Rhubarb:
a kind of celery gone bloodshot. |
| Vacuum: A large,
empty space where the pope lives. |
| Equator:
A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa. |
| Germinate: To
become a naturalized German. |
