DERBY'S BID FOR THE OLYMPIC GAMES 2012

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In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of Derby's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Derby's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc...)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from another county. All against the clock.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way around the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the River Derwent. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Derby.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Spondon Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished when it rains and the stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

The International Olympic Committee announced that the 2012 Olympic Games will be held in London. All involved are confident that the capital's transport system can cope with the thousands who will flock to the Games' venues and the area will benefit from a £2.37bn regeneration programme to the Docklands Light Railway, the East London Line, the North London Line and the London Fenchurch Street to Southend Line. It is hoped that every Olympic venue will be served by at least one rail line, while 90% of venues will be serviced by three or more public transport options. Ten rail lines will carry 240,000 people every hour to the Olympic Park in Stratford, east London.

The 140mph "Olympic Javelin" shuttle trains will get 25,000 spectators an hour from St Pancras station in central London to the Olympic Park, the journey taking just seven minutes. The trains will also transport people from Ebbsfleet in north Kent to the Olympic Village in 10 minutes. In total, trains will carry 240,000 passengers an hour to the Olympic Village from more than 300 stations. Around 80% of the Olympic athletes and more than 95% of the Paralympic athletes will be within 20 minutes of their venues. There will be two major park-and-ride sites with a combined capacity of more than 12,000 cars. Both will be 20-25 minutes away from the Olympic Park. Also, there will be a 9.000-space park-and-rail facility at Ebbsfleet station 10 minutes from the Olympic Park.

The Underground and main line rail services will be extended until 2.30am every day during the Games and will run for 24 hours for the opening and closing ceremonies. Local public transport (except for the Heathrow Express train) will be free for spectators with tickets on the day of the event. Holders of accreditation cards will also be able to travel free. The Olympic Park will be served by 20 bus routes. Service frequencies will be increased for the Games. With public transport demand normally down 20% in August, London's Olympic organisers believe the transport network will be well capable of absorbing the additional 5% demand the Games will generate.

Organisers have costed the 2012 Games and claim it will not cost anyone outside London a penny. The new stadiums and transport links will cost £2.3bn but £1.5bn of this will come from new National Lottery games. Another £550m will be raised by London's council taxpayers and £1.5bn to run the Games will be found from sponsorship, tickets, TV rights and merchandise. Where have we heard this before?

The 2012 London Olympics have been plunged into controversy by the discovery that the Games will clash with Ramadan, the most holy month in the Islamic calendar. The clash will put Muslim athletes at a disadvantage as they will be expected to fast from sunrise to sunset for the entire duration of the Games.

In 2012, Ramadan will take place from July 21 to August 20, while the Olympics run from July 27 to August 12. An anticipated 3,000 Muslim competitors are expected to be affected. Massoud Shadjareh, chairman of the London-based Islamic Human Rights Commission, said, "They would not have organised this at Christmas. It is equally stupid to organise it at Ramadan. It shows a complete lack of awareness and sensitivity."

He added, "This is going to disadvantage the athletes and alienate the Asian communities by saying they don't matter. It's not only going to affect the participants it's going to affect all the people who want to watch the Games. They won't want to travel during Ramadan and they won't want to watch sport. It's a spiritual time."

The British Olympic Association is now planning a meeting with the organisers of London 2012 to discuss how the timing will affect UK Muslim athletes. And Muslim countries such as Turkey are calling for the date to be changed. Joanna Manning Cooper, spokeswoman for London 2012, said, "We did know about it when we submitted our bid and we have always believed we could find ways to accommodate it."

She added, "We had lots of things to consider when we submitted our dates, including the fact that transport will be less crowded in the summer holiday. We also need 70,000 volunteers and this is the best time to find them. We are working with the Muslim Council of Great Britain to find ways to accommodate Ramadan during the London Games." (Source: Daily Mail, Oct/06)

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