FRANCE

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe.

It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.

It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Euro Disney.

Among its contributions to western civilization are Champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

One continuing exasperation for visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at.

France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 5 million are small children).

All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line.

The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and disciplined. Those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour.

Many French are communists.

Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet.

Travellers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier recognition.

In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to
flee to London during future German invasions, and for them to offload all their illegal immigrants.

Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain.

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back.

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all.

If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among It's 361 national holidays are:

Traditionally, the French surrender immediately.

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