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HUMAN RIGHTS? SHOVE IT!
Turkmenistan's president, Sap-armurat Niyazov, outlawed opera and ballet as "unnecessary" while gold fillings and long hair were similarly prohibited. He was reportedly furious to find that singers who perform in his honour, were not singing at all but merely mouthing the words, so he banned the playing of recorded music in all public places in an effort to stamp out the scourge. Mr Niyazov also issued a proclamation forbidding female news presenters and reporters from wearing make-up and dying their hair. Calls from human rights groups for the isolation of Turkmenistan have only been heeded half-heartedly, critics say, because it holds the world's fifth-largest oil reserves.

IT'S NOT FAIR, OH YES IT IS!
Nicola Hepke of Ockbrook, went to Derby Assembly Rooms to buy tickets for the Tractor Tom show with her children Matthew, Jamie and six-month-old Katie. She was told she could purchase a family ticket for herself, her husband Tim and two sons for £30, but was annoyed when told the cost to take her baby would be extra. Peter Ireson, head of service at the theatre, said, "For this show we are charging a nominal amount of £2.50 for babies under one year old. These tickets for babes in arms need to be purchased on the day of the performance, because we don't allocate tickets off the plan as they are not going to use a seat. We have to issue some sort of ticket to everyone in the theatre, including babies, so we know how many people are in the building. We don't really encourage people to take babies to the theatre because it can be a distressing environment for the child, who can, in turn, affect other people's enjoyment. But this depends on the show, for example we make no charge at all for our pantomime and I would ask parents to always consider whether the show is appropriate."

DICK HEAD
NatWest bank apologised to a customer after sending him a debit card containing the name "Mr C Lancaster Dick Head". A NatWest spokesman said, "This is completely unacceptable and we have launched an investigation." As well as apologising, he said NatWest had promised to pay him compensation. Mr Lancaster said he saw the words as he was about to hand over his new card to pay for goods in a supermarket and was so embarrassed he put the card back in his wallet. The strange thing is he doesn't appear to have checked the details on the card before using it.

HOW THEY SQUEAL WHEN CAUGHT
Hussain Osman, the suspected would-be Shepherd's Bush train bomber, held in a high-security jail in Rome, told his lawyer, Antonietta Sonnessa, "I am afraid of going back to England, I am afraid of what might happen to me in prison, I am afraid of spending the rest of my life in a cell. I beg of you, do everything you can to keep me here." Osman claimed the device he is said to have had with him on an Underground train on July 21 consisted mainly of flour. He said, "I swear it, in that bag there was a detonator but the rest was flour. It was to make a bang, frighten people. Only this, I haven't done anything else. I would never have killed anyone."

IMMIGRATION SHAMBLES
Britain struck an agreement with France in 2000 to crack down on illegal immigrants arriving on Eurostar trains. Jack Straw, then Home Secretary, signed a deal to allow British immigration officials to check travel documents before people boarded in Paris. French immigration staff would check at Waterloo and Ashford. Those without the correct papers were supposed to be barred from entry, although immigration officers were given the flexibility to admit people they regarded as genuine. Didn't work, did it?

STOP AND SEARCH
MP Ann Widdecombe said anti-terror police must not waste time searching white people and added, "It is common sense. It is not racial, it is not religions.” Ian Johnston, the head of British Transport Police, said his officers wouldn’t search “old white ladies” and Superintendent Ali Dizaei, of the National Black Police Association, agreed racial profiling was acceptable. He said, “These are extraordinary times.” Home Office minister Hazel Blears said the use of stop and search powers by police had to be "intelligence-led" and carried out in a "non-discriminatory way". So, if police see a Muslim carrying a rucksack they can only stop him if their "intellegence" tells them he's got a bomb.

CONSCIENTIOUS COUNCILLOR
Tory Jill Chaplin was caught playing cards on her laptop computer during a council meeting. She was seen playing Patience by John Durnell from the public gallery. At first he thought she was taking notes on a debate about cycle helmets. John plans to report Jill, of Shropshire's Shrewsbury and Atcham Council, to the local government standards watchdog. She said, "It didn't stop me listening."

THOSE WHO CAN...
Prince Harry has been given the job of getting brother William through his army exams, despite failing his own computer tests at Sandhurst. An aide said, "William has always been the brainy one, so for his brother to teach him is quite unusual but Harry has been an officer trainee for three months and has promised to get him in." Those who can do, those who can't - teach.

IGNORING WARNINGS
Channel 4's Big Brother programme caused a flood of complaints from viewers when it showed a contestant slip a bottle under her skirt and simulate having sex. A spokeswoman said, "It aired well after the 9pm watershed and there was a voiceover before the programme alerting viewers to the nature of some scenes.” Just shows how some so called adult's curiosities gets the better of them and then they love to complain despite the warnings.

LEAVE THE COUNTRY
Shadow Defence Minister Gerald Howarth called for a mass exodus of Muslims from Britain saying it was the way to deal with the terrorist threat. He said, "If they don't like our way of life, there is a simple remedy: Go to another country, get out." Asked about those Muslims born in Britain, Mr Howarth replied, "Tough. If you don't give allegiance to this country, then leave. There are plenty of other countries whose way of life would appear to be more conducive to what they aspire to." His remarks caused outrage among MPs of course, and the Muslim Association of Britain called his comments "absurd", but I'll bet he's not the only one who thinks like that

HOW TO SAVE MONEY
Labour-controlled Hull council is paying a consultant £1,000 a day to find out how it can SAVE money. A spokesman said it was a “key part of our drive towards excellence” and added they had got the “best possible market rate” for the consultant. Labour leader, councillor Ken Branson said, “Unfortunately, there are very few people around with the right credentials to do this sort of work. We are spending big money but I am confident it will save money in the long-term.”

SPEED CAMERA CASH MACHINES
Road crashes doubled on a mile-long stretch of motorway after a speed camera went up. There were only 10 accidents on the East London bend of the M11 in the three years before the first speedcam was installed in 2001. Only 5 had anything to do with speed and only 2 people were severely injured. But in the following three years, after a 50mph limit was introduced along with the trap, there were 18 crashes. Eleven were linked with speed and 5 people were severely hurt. Traffic chiefs are installing two MORE in the same place.