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NOT TO MAKE MONEY?
Pensioner Stuart Harding was attempting to slow motorists down as they approached a Sunday morning car boot sale where many people were crossing the road. Police prosecuted him for warning motorists of a speed trap and he was convicted of wilfully obstructing a constable in the execution of his duty, banned from driving and ordered to pay £364 costs. Mind how you go.

TAX CREDIT FIASCO
More than 50million calls have gone unanswered to the Government's tax credit helpline with many callers getting the engaged tone or being put on hold and then cut off. So far, 98million calls have been made since the Inland Revenue launched it in 2002 but the system has been plagued with problems. A third of claimants were overpaid and pushed into poverty when forced to repay. Lib Dem MP David Laws called the figures a "disaster" but ministers said six million families benefited.

MR BIG ARRESTED
British-born Haroon Rashid Aswat, an al-Qaeda chief suspected of masterminding the 7/7 London suicide bombings, has been arrested in Zambia. Twenty calls were made from his mobile phone to two of the four suicide bombers in the days before the attacks on three Tube trains and a bus left 56 dead. Aswat is said to have slipped into the UK through Felixstowe, Suffolk, two weeks before the attacks and flown out from Heathrow hours before the explosions. The Americans have been hunting Aswat, who is accused of setting up an al-Qaeda training camp in Oregon in 1999. It was alleged the Americans had asked British authorities for permission to arrest Aswat, but were told they couldn’t because he is a British citizen. Permission is required because he's British?

REPLACEMENT LEG
A man in a wheelchair and with a missing leg, stole a leg of lamb from the Lidl supermarket in Uttoxeter. The man is white, with a large stomach, aged in his late-50s to early-60s, and has mousy brown hair that is greying. He has a deep voice and wore sunglasses with a brown tint, a blue fleece and black tracksuit bottoms. Shouldn't be too hard to find.

LAP DANCING BLOCKED
Plans to have lap dancers at a music festival were blocked over safety concerns. The Matrix club in Ripley, which runs regular lap dancing events, had applied for a licence to run a tent at the Pentrich Rock and Blues Festival. But Amber Valley Borough Council turned down the application and said the tent would not be able to be evacuated quickly enough if there was a fire. Michael Marina, one of the owners of The Matrix, said, "The fire officer said it was ok to go ahead with and they were satisfied with it." Ah, but councils know best.

SICKLY HARRY
Prince Harry has been knicknamed "sicknote," for complaining of being ill several times since he started his course at Sandhurst. He was put in the medical unit complaining of a stomach upset and then had a day of "light duties" being excused anything strenuous such as forced marches, PT, and square bashing. After talks with doctors he was given the go-ahead to play at The Guards Polo Club near Windsor, part of Cartier International Day, less than 72 hours later. A Sandhurst insider said, "If he has been excused all physical activities and then plays polo, there will be trouble." If Harry keeps calling off work because of sickness, senior officers may have to throw him off the course. A defence source denied he got special treatment. Army chiefs ordered a £100,000 make-over at Sandhurst. Contractors spruced up Prince Harry's quarters and other rooms. A senior Army source said, "They were pretty worn and just not fit for Royalty. It is important to create the right impression". No special treatment, eh?

JACKO AQUITTED
Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all ten child sex abuse charges brought against him. Not surprising considering how many people are on his payroll and depend on him for their livelihood. Wonder how much that cost him in pay-offs? It's well documented that he's paid people off before so why not this time?

One of the jurors who cleared him said, "I feel that Michael Jackson probably has molested boys but that doesn't make him guilty of the charges that were presented in this case, and that's where we had to make our decision." If he had been anyone else he would have certainly been found guilty. Being aquitted is not the same as being innocent.

PLAYING INTO TERRORISTS HANDS
Inter Milan cancelled a tour in England because of the London bombings. During World War II the Italians got the reputation for being cowards and Inter are exactly the same 60 years later. Sports minister Richard Caborn later announced that the Inter Milan tour was back on. The Italian club said there had been a misunderstanding and insisted they had taken their initial stance so as not to "further stretch the already severely occupied security services".

TOO POOR TO BE HELPED
Five African football teams have been refused entry to the UK to play in the Homeless World Cup because they were too poor to pay their way while in the country. Mel Young, co-founder of the Homeless World Cup, said, "This really does smack of hypocrisy by the Government. On the one hand, we’ve had all the rhetoric from politicians about the importance of fighting poverty in Africa during G8. On the other hand, you’ve got African sportsmen being told they can’t play in this tournament because they’re too poor. It’s madness." Kenyan team organiser Siegfried Milchberger said, "It leaves me wondering what London Olympics 2012 has in store for Africa." The Foreign Office said a number of players had failed to satisfy visa requirements and were unable to prove their intent to return from the UK. It's never bothered the FO before.

NHS PRIORITIES
NHS bosses sent emails ordering more than 100 senior nursing staff to leave their wards and go on ‘ciggie patrols’ in hospital grounds in order to catch secret smokers. Nurses at Liverpool’s Fazakerley and Walton hospitals were given set times for one-hour patrols and were told to collect a map and leaflets. A hospital that's stretched to the limit is taking someone out of the clinical area to approach people and remind them of the non-smoking policy. Bill Kelly, of public service union Unison, advised nurses they could refuse to go on patrol and said, “Using nurses to police this policy is unreasonable. It leaves them vulnerable to verbal and physical attack.” A spokesman for the Aintree Hospital Trust said the scheme would rarely take staff away from nursing duties and added, “The trust is disappointed a small number of senior nursing staff object to helping with a health promotion exercise.” So how about a member of the Hospital Trust carrying out these duties?

BLUE PARROT
Barney, the macaw, has brought shame and disgrace on Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary in Nuneaton by hurling vile abuse at visiting VIPs. First he called a vicar a "wanker", a judgement also passed on local police officers, then told the mayoress to "fuck off", something which is considered rather bad form in Nuneaton. Centre manager Geoff Grewcock confirmed that Barney's favourite expletive is "bollocks", one of a number of terms he learned from his former owner, a trucker.

WHY SHOULD BRITAIN TREMBLE?
Soldiers have to shout "Bang! Bang!" on training exercises because of a "significant shortage" of blank ammunition. A senior serving officer said, "We are a rich First World country but we can't even provide enough cash to ensure our soldiers are properly prepared before they go on operations." The SA80, the standard issue rifle for soldiers, has already been beset by a range of problems including jamming, an optical site prone to misting up and poor balance. It was given a £90million upgrade to stop the jamming but requires constant oiling to ensure it can work properly. In 2003 during Desert Storm II, troops had to cross from Kuwait into Iraq with just 10 rounds, not enough to fill one magazine. There were also shortages of body armour, gas masks, food, desert uniforms and guns.