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IT NEVER HAPPENED IN MY DAY....
Two female teachers from Albany School in Hornchurch, Essex, were suspended for allegedly having a threesome with a 16-year-old male pupil. But police are understood not to have pressed charges because the teenager did not complain of any crime. The incident reportedly took place a day before the boy's GCSE exams started. Wonder what he'll get if he passes....?

LOCATION OF SPEED CAMERAS
The AA has issued a UK road atlas that includes the location of thousands of speed cameras. AA spokeswoman Nicola Atkinson said, "We have done this because we believe people should know where the cameras are for safety reasons." The new atlas shows the locations of 3,000 fixed speed cameras and around 3,000 mobile speedtrap spots. But the move was criticised by environmental transport group Transport 2000. Spokesman Steve Hounsham said, "This is irresponsible in the extreme. The only people interested in the location of speed cameras are those who like breaking speed limits but want to know when they need to put their foot on the brake to escape being caught. This is like publishing the position of all police stations in a special atlas for car thieves." Hardly, Mr Hounsham. Anyway, if the cameras are there for safety reasons and not for revenue purposes, then why the need to keep their locations a secret?

WATER SHORTAGE
Mayor of London Ken Livingstone advised people not to flush the toilet if they had "just had a pee" in a bid to save water. We are told we're suffering the worst drought in nearly 30 years despite recent thunderstorms causing floods.

WATER WASTER
Artist Mark McGowan will waste 15 million litres of water by running a cold tap for a year. McGowan said, "This will save water by highlighting the waste in homes when people brush their teeth, wash vegetables or shave with the tap running." Thames Water said it could issue an order to McGowan to stop waste and a breach would result in prosecution.

BECKHAMS IDEA OF 'LOW KEY'
The Beckham's splashed out £20,000 on a giant bottle of champagne during their holiday in St Tropez. They asked for the biggest and most expensive bottle of bubbly available on a night out at Les Caves du Roy. Bemused clubbers looked on as the music stopped and the lights went down. Then the theme from Star Wars started playing as a team of waiters carried in a methuselah of Cristal champagne, the equivalent of 12 pints, on a silver tray complete with sparklers. As a fellow guest said, "It was very amusing as Posh and Becks were going on about how they didn't want a big fuss."

POINTS FOR POLICE
North Wales Police is awarding its officers "points" for arresting motorists in an attempt to "monitor the performance" of its traffic police. Officers will have to hit monthly targets by accruing points for various motoring offences and it is understood they will receive around 25 points for catching drunk drivers and five for speeding offences. A spokesman for North Wales Police said, "The objectives include casualty reduction, engaging criminality on the road, driving whilst using mobile phones, dangerous driving, failure to wear seatbelts etc." However, there are no plans to extend this scheme to include burglary, rape, muggings and other street crime.

VICTIMS DON'T COUNT
Stuart Blackstock, jailed for shooting and crippling Pc Philip Olds who later died of a drugs overdose, was awarded £7,000 after his prison status review was delayed. The European Court found the 22-month wait for a decision on his prisoner category caused "anxiety" to the former Hell's Angel. Pc Philip Olds was shot during a raid on an off-licence in Hayes, west London, in 1980. Pc Norman Brennan, of Protect the Protectors, said, "Our colleague Pc Olds has lost everything because of being shot by Blackstock, but who cares about the victim anymore?"

SKINT MP's
Millionaire Tory Alan Duncan said he cannot live on his £59,000-a-year MP's pay. He said, "It's so difficult in politics," and added, "Some GPs are paid twice as much." But they probably EARN it, Mr Duncan. On the other hand, some MP's make money by being sacked. David Blunkett pocketed an £18,215 tax-free payout when he quit as Home Secretary even though he was out of the Cabinet for only five months. Peter Mandelson got £11,300 when he was sacked as Trade Secretary in 1998 over his home loan scandal and in 2001 he was handed £16,543 after the Hinduja passport row. Beverley Hughes, ousted from the Home Office over an immigration fiasco, got £9,449 and Welfare Secretary Harriet Harman got £11,300 when she was sacked in 1998. A spokesman for Mr Blunkett said, “These arrangements were introduced under the last Conservative government.” Which Labour don't oppose, obviously.

JAIL THE PARENTS
Ray Mallon, mayor of Middlesbrough, is urging Tony Blair to introduce new laws. He said, "If a dog fouls the pavement and it is not cleared up, the owner is liable for prosecution. If a dog terrorises members of the public it is taken off the street and, again, the owner faces prosecution. So why is it that we allow certain teenagers to act with impunity, fouling our streets not just with urine, but with litter, graffiti, vandalism? Why do we allow young tearaways to terrorise the law- abiding public with their threats, intimidation and abuse? It is time parents were held responsible for the actions of their children. Anti-social behaviour orders are issued as a last resort, yet too many of those receiving Asbos ignore them. If a child under 18 appears in court for certain Asbo hearings I want to see parents in the dock." Somehow we can't see this one taking off.

WORK UNTIL YOU DROP
Pensions Secretary David Blunkett may restrict early retirement and force people to work until they are at least 65. Those who do want to get out and draw on their pension must have a special reason for doing so. And if an employee wants to stay on beyond 65 they will have a legal right to ask their boss, although the employer will still be able to turn them down. Mr Blunkett said, "We want to reverse the trend of people retiring before retirement age and increasingly presuming they won't take up any other activity." MPs, of course, will not be following suit.

ANOTHER MAD IDEA
One of Tony Blair's advisers has drawn up a plan whereby anyone making a profit from selling their home would be hit with taxes. He said other windfalls, such as inheriting from a will, should also be taxed and money given to low earners. Don't remember seeing this in Labours manifesto.

OPPOSITION TO ID CARDS
The Muslim Council of Britain opposes the introduction of ID cards because of fears they will be used to target ethnic minorities and the Commission for Racial Equality warned that the scheme could have an "adverse impact on different racial groups". This alone should ensure the scheme is scrapped.

ANOTHER RIP-OFF
The Association of Train Operating Companies (Atoc) said railways could be forced to introduce the congestion-style charge, branded "rail peak pricing" in around 10 years time in order to combat rising passenger numbers. Atoc said, "Any rail service which is a practicable alternative for people using the car on a high-charge road journey will need its own peak pricing system." Atoc added that passenger numbers were expected to increase by "at least 28%" over the next 10 years, and intensive efforts would be needed to find new ways of meeting passenger growth. The Government can't expect to get people off the roads and on to public transport if their idea of 'meeting passenger growth' is to price them off public transport! The government refused to stop rail companies bringing in congestion charging claiming it is important to "spread the load between road and rail". So they DON'T want us to use public transport after all.