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CRACKDOWN ON CRIME? IT'S A JOKE
A teenager was left unconscious, temporarily paralysed and bruised in a "happy slapping" attack. The girl and a number of other suspected pupils were not expelled because the attack happened after school and away from the school buildings. Police said the attacker would probably only get a caution.

COUNCIL RESPONSIBLE FOR PREGNANCY
A 14-year-old girl is suing her local council for £50,000 in damages after she fell pregnant at a special needs boarding school. The girl says Herts County Council education authority failed to safeguard her welfare when she was at the school.

BRITAIN IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN IRAQ
Courier DHL, which delivers to trouble-spots worldwide, has blacklisted some British inner cities because of yobs. The company delivers parcels to Baghdad, Afghanistan and North Korea but parts of London, Manchester, Birmingham and Glasgow are no-go areas for its vans because of attacks on drivers.

POOR OLD FARMERS
Farmers want the term “couch potato” banned because they say it gives spuds a bad name. They are even taking their campaign to Parliament where they will lobby for dictionary publishers to remove the phrase. Robert Strathern, a potato farmer from Colchester, Essex, said, “This derogatory phrase misrepresents potatoes. We want couch potato stripped from the dictionary and replaced with couch slouch.” Sad really.

BLOODY NERVE
Call centres set up in India at the expense of UK jobs want to recruit up to 40,000 staff from Britain. Around 14,000 jobs were lost when insurance, banking and telephone companies moved call centres to save money on wages. But many of the new workers are not up to scratch and bosses want to take on Britons to train up colleagues and win over customers. They would earn £1,800 to £4,500 a year, but the cost of living means it is worth up to £40,000 here. Paul Clays, of the Communications Works Union, said, “It seems daft to sack workers, then expect them to travel thousands of miles for the same job on much less money.” Tell 'em to shove it!

WELCOME TO 'SOFT-TOUCH' BRITAIN
Immigrants hoping to be granted a UK passport must answer questions on applying for jobseeker's allowance, complaining about the police and human rights law. They will be charged £25 to sit the 24-question exam and can keep taking it until they pass. A pass is rewarded with a citizenship ceremony, a passport and the right to vote. Ministers have not decided how many correct answers will be needed. Officials said the test would allow immigrants to show they have a good grasp of their 'rights and responsibilities'.

Thousands of jobless Slovaks are to make a one-way trip to Britain on free tickets paid for by their government. Officials are shipping out 4,000 long-term unemployed, including gipsies, to neighbouring EU countries. Sir Andrew Green, of think tank Migrationwatch UK, said, “It looks as though one new member of the EU is planning to unload its unemployed on other members." Karlheinz Klement, leader of the Austrian Freedom Party, claimed Slovakia was using EU subsidies designed to create jobs to shunt the workshy abroad. There has already been looting in the country by migrating gipsies.

COMEDY TO BE OUTLAWED
Comedians are to be banned by Newcastle Council officials unless they sign a declaration promising to be politically correct. The council's equality board wants comics to promise they won’t mock ethnic minorities, gays, bisexuals, the disabled and women. Chubby Brown's career is over then.

FUEL PRICES TO STAY HIGH
Opec agreed to increase its official production quota to its highest ever level of 28m barrels a day in an attempt to cool prices. However, industry experts said this would not translate to cheaper prices for consumers. No surprise there then.

JUST AN ORDINARY DAD
David Beckham was given the world's most expensive razor as a surprise Father's Day gift. Gillette gave him the unique diamond-encrusted £25,000 M3Power razor. Those most able to buy their own, rarely have to.

MORE MONEY DOWN THE DRAIN
The Government admitted it spent more than £18 million on its now abandoned plans to set up a network of accommodation centres for asylum-seekers. Tony McNulty, the Immigration Minister, told MPs in a written statement that he had scrapped proposals for four centres and that an accommodation centre at Bicester, Oxfordshire, which had been given planning approval, is to be abandoned in spite of £18 million being spent on preparatory works.

HOW LONG IS TEN LIFE SENTENCES?
Petros Anthia, of West Green Road, north London, admitted carrying out a year-long campaign of rapes and attacks on women in north London and Herts and was given 10 life sentences. He admitted causing actual bodily harm to three women and had 21 previous convictions for burglary and assault in his native Cyprus and served a jail term there. Jailing Anthia, Judge John Bevan QC said he had carried out a "systematic campaign of planning and executing attacks". He will serve a minimum of 25 years behind bars.

YOBS SQUEAL WHEN THREATENED
Businessman Christopher Fulke-Greville was accused of threatening a 13-year-old following incidents spanning 14 months. He told a court he snapped when families became terrified of a gang of up to a dozen teenagers in Addlestone, Surrey. Fulke-Greville made two threats to the 13-year-old after hitting another youth in an earlier incident. He told police his neighbourhood was overrun by hooligans and the 13-year-old had frightened his family. The boy and his gang, aged 9 to 15, tried to set fire to a neighbour's van, threw eggs at people and hurled bricks and stones at cars. The court heard the boy had regular contact with police for offences including assault and criminal damage. So how come the boy keeps getting away with his actions and Mr Fulke-Greville doesn't?

HAVERING MAD
Havering Council in Essex is spending £150,000 cutting down dozens of roadside trees to avoid insurance claims if people slip on rotting fruit. Crab-apple and pear varieties to be axed to stop the fruit landing on pavements despite NO ONE ever having made a claim for compensation. The council said, “It’s not only about potential insurance claims. We will be replacing the trees with more suitable species.”

STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED
A woman aged 51, walked into an Aldi store with her walking-jacket turned up because it was pouring with rain outside. A store manager told her to remove her rain-hood to prove she was not an ARMED THUG. He complained the hoodie-style coat unnerved his security guard, who had witnessed two armed thefts at the store in Eccles, Greater Manchester. Madalyn Barratt said, "I asked the manager if his security guard was often frightened by middle-aged women." Adam Colledge, operations director for Aldi, said, “The guard would not be intimidated but how would you know it was a middle-aged woman until you took down the hood?” Well yes, they all look the same!