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ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE
A number of incidents have recently been reported in which people have been duped into handing over money for laptops and digital cameras, only to find that they have been given bags of paper and potatoes. In a four day spree, the offenders one a white man, around 5ft 5ins tall, with a ginger beard, spotty face and Irish accent have struck three times. The first incident was an attempted scam in King Street, Watford, at around 2pm. Two men approached their target and offered him a laptop computer and digital camera for £200.

The would-be victim refused to buy the goods and the two men made off in a red Volkswagen Golf. The second incident occurred in Wellstones, Watford, at 1pm. The victim thought he had paid for a laptop computer and digital camera. When he checked the bag it contained a sack of potatoes. Scrap paper was found inside a bag by a Watford man who thought he was buying a laptop. The final incident happened in Tesco Petrol Station, Jarmans Park, Hemel Hempstead, at around 11am. The victim was offered a laptop computer for £300. He handed over the money and was given a bag of cardboard.

IMMIGRATION SHAMBLES
An NHS Trust had to fight a £20,000 legal battle to get a suspected illegal immigrant OUT of hospital. Baljit Singh was admitted to the Walsgrave Hospital in Coventry, West Midlands, with kidney problems after arriving from India but when doctors told him he was well enough to leave he called in lawyers. He was granted legal aid to stop the hospital from evicting him and is suing Coventry council for refusing him free accommodation. Contrast that with the treatment of Peter James, who was born in Trinidad but has lived in Britain for 50 years. He paid his taxes, working as a London cabbie for 39 years, and two of his grandchildren even represented Britain at judo. But he returned from a holiday in the West Indies to be told by immigration officers that he could only stay for 10 weeks. And during that time he will not be entitled to a penny in benefits.

GUN AMNESTY
A gun amnesty and publicity campaign called Operation Sedona, aims to rid South Derbyshire's streets of imitation firearms. The amnesty is to get the BB guns and imitation firearms handed in to police and officers will visit homes to collect the guns between 8am and 8pm on Saturday and Sunday. In return for the weapons, the owners will get an incentive, either a McDonald's Extra Value Meal token or a double swimming ticket for Green Bank Leisure Centre, West Street, Swadlincote. PC Kelemko said, "We realised that youngsters would not just hand them in and so we came up with the idea of an amnesty and an incentive." Charlie Crane, Green Bank Leisure Centre's general manager, said, "We can persuade youngsters to hand their guns over and promote swimming and worthwhile leisure activities to them." How naive can people be?

INVALID BUGGY DANGER
A pensioner died after being hit by an invalid buggy. Ernest Carpenter was hit by the buggy, capable of reaching 8mph, while pushing his wheeled walking frame outside Eastbourne Pier and suffered head injuries. Although he regained consciousness at the scene, he died four days later at the Eastbourne District General Hospital. The driver of the buggy, 66-year-old Peter Jenkinson, said in a statement that he was returning from a spin along the seafront in his buggy and that as he approached two people standing on the pavement, he assumed they would move out of his way. In other words, he wasn't going to stop for anybody.

COMEDY IS SCIENTIFIC
Scientists spent two months creating a formula to make the perfect show and, according to their rules, 'Only Fools And Horses' is the funniest British sitcom of all time, followed by The Office, Father Ted, Fawlty Towers and Blackadder. The 'experts' worked it out by multiplying the recognisable qualities of the main character (r) by their delusions of grandeur (d). This is added to how witty the script is (v) and the total is then multiplied by the amount someone falls over (f). The new total is divided by the success of any scheme during the show (a) and the difference in social status between the highest and lowest ranking characters is then added (s). Dr Helen Pilcher, who carried out the research, said, “This formula shows why some sitcoms fail to make the grade while others are destined to make us laugh time and time again.” So you see, it's not the fact that different people find different things funny after all.

"THREATENING" PENSIONERS
Pensioners who complained about their missing suitcases at Stansted Airport were suddenly surrounded by heavily armed police. Four officers with guns were called when there was no sign of the baggage after 90 minutes. The alarm was raised by a member of staff from luggage handling agents Swissport who burst into tears and fled after being confronted by the OAPs. Swissport apologised for the delay in delivering the baggage but insisted some of the passengers had been "threatening". Stansted Airport police's Geoff Knight said (and this is superb), "We provide a 24-hour armed response which means very often the officers able to respond are armed."

WHAT IS A CRIMINAL?
A student was fined £80 for making “homophobic comments” to a police horse. He had staggered out of a bar in the early hours and came face-to-face with two mounted officers. Approaching one of the cops he asked, “How do you feel about your horse being gay?” He was taken to a police station and held in a cell until morning, when he was given a fixed penalty fine of £80 for public disorder. A police spokesman said, “A man was arrested drunk and shouting homophobic comments at a police horse.” Further proof that police find arresting REAL criminals too difficult.

And the courts are no better.........................

Simon Bowyer collided with a van coming up behind him when he turned right across a three-lane carriageway without indicating. The van mounted the pavement and hurled 16-year-old pedestrian Deborah Parkes through a wall, leaving her in a coma for months. He received - a £200 fine.

HOLIDAY RIP-OFF
A study showed that exchange bureaux at Britain's airports are ripping off tourists. Holidaymakers buying foreign currency can lose up to £9 in every £100. Rates are often worse than travel agents' and commission can be £5. Co-op Travel and Travelcare bought £100 of euros and American dollars at 22 airports. Doncaster's Robin Hood gave the worst deal for each. Travelcare said, "People are being exploited". So what's new?

TRAIN-DODGING
In the latest "happy slapping" generation craze, kids crouch in the path of a 120mph train and jump out of the way at the last second. Friends record the scene on mobile phones and the video clips are shown off at school or on the internet. Should reduce the number of morons around while the craze lasts.

POLICE NOT TRAINED TO CLIMB LADDERS
Police refused to get up to a church roof to photograph vandalism because they were not trained to climb LADDERS. Crime scenes officers arrived to take pictures of smashed medieval windows as evidence. Warden Dave Brennan said, “It was a complete farce. How are the CPS able to present a case without photographic evidence? I’ve climbed up there myself five times.” A police spokesman said officers’ safety was vital, adding, “Should access be required to an inaccessible or potentially dangerous area, specialist units will be deployed.” Six weeks later presumably.