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HAVING A HARD TIME
A man who had a willy implant to cure impotence is rising to the occasion, whenever his neighbour opens his garage doors. The remote control is on the same frequency as the electronic device in his groin. The sufferer said, “Every time my neighbours park their 4x4 I get an erection. It’s embarrassing.” When asked if he had seen a doctor he replied, “I had it done in Turkey, using equipment not known in this country. Every time his car pulls in, I can’t leave the house. It’s not funny.” (Source: The Sun, Jul/06)

PYRE ROW
The open-air cremation of a Sikh man on a funeral pyre is being probed by police. The body of Rajpal Mehat, an illegal immigrant from India who drowned in a London canal, was burnt in a field in Northumberland. Police allowed it to go ahead but later said "offences may have been committed" under the Cremations Act.

The cremation went ahead in accordance with Hindu customs after his family contacted Davender Ghai, the president of the Newcastle-based Anglo-Asian Friendship Society. The Sikh Federation (UK) has accused the authorities of making "a major mistake" and claimed Mr Ghai had organised the funeral simply to attract attention to his campaign for funeral pyres to be allowed in Britain.

The Sikh view, said the federation, was that a conventional cremation was satisfactory because a dead body had "absolutely no religious significance whatsoever". It called on the Crown Prosecution Service to take Mr Ghai to court. Mr Ghai said, "All I have done is to obey the family's wishes. It went ahead with the blessing of the police." Prediction: After an investigation, no action will be taken. (Source: Daily Mirror, Jul/06)

FROM THE SCHOOL OF THE BLEEDIN' OBVIOUS
A list of some of the least surprising discoveries of recent years has been published in a science magazine. It shows how scientists carry out detailed, and sometimes expensive, studies to prove that things are sometimes exactly as they seem, such as the fact that people who don't smoke have more money than those who do. According to researchers, faraway objects are harder to see, swallowing more than one magnet is dangerous and memory fades with age. Next they'll be telling us bears shit in the woods! (Source: Metro)

ORDERED OFF A BEACH
As temperatures soared at the "Blue Flag" beach at Southwold, Suffolk, hundreds of sunbathers were ordered off the sand by council officials on health and safety grounds. Police eventually had to be called in when some of the visitors refused to leave the beach because they could see no evidence of the alleged dangers. And, as soon as visitors at one end of the beach were given their marching orders they were replaced by new arrivals at the other end.

The chaotic scenes were caused by a £7 million sea defence scheme to replace old groynes at the resort. Heavy equipment used in the project moved off the golden beach south of the pier but what the council claims is potentially deadly ironwork from the old groynes still remains to be cleared below the water. A spokesman for Waveney council, which is undertaking the sea defence scheme in a joint venture with the environment agency, admitted that many would-be sunbathers were disappointed to be thrown off the beach. (Source: Daily Telegraph, Jul/06)

HANDS UP ANYONE WHO IS SURPRISED
Tony Blair will not face any action over allegations he used the phrase "Fucking Welsh", during coverage of the 1999 Welsh Assembly vote. A complaint was made to North Wales Police by a member of the public when the claim was made by former Downing Street spin doctor Lance Price. North Wales Police said a 10-month investigation, which cost taxpayers £1,656, had been dropped. A spokesman added, "There is no realistic prospect of a conviction." (Source: Daily Mirror, Jul/06)

PLEASE LOOK AFTER OUR TREES
Greenwich council planted 350 saplings and then asked residents to care for them 'on our behalf'. The request was made in a letter to taxpayers which read, "A new tree was recently planted outside your property. Anything you can do to improve its chances of survival will be appreciated." The letter then goes on to tell people how weed round the trees and protect them from vandalism and even suggests the trees are given 45litres of water a week during the summer, despite the fact the South London borough has a hosepipe ban. A spokesman for Thames Water criticised the council for not issuing watersaving advice and urged residents to collect rain water for the trees. (Source: Metro)

PUTTING LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL
Zeljko Tupic, of Belgrade, Serbia, needed surgery after sticking a pencil into his penis to keep it stiff during sex. He had to call an ambulance when the pencil shifted and got stuck in his bladder while having sex with his new lover. After surgeons successfully removed it, Dr Aleksandar Milosevic said, "At first the patient did not tell us what really happened but x-rays proved the truth." (Source: Metro)

WEEKEND COUNCIL TRAINING COURSE
Basildon Council in Essex spent thousands of pounds on a weekend training course at a hotel just 8 miles from its offices. Thirteen councillors stayed at the manor house, at a cost of £3,000 and the council spent a further £21,000 on the “team building” course. Council leader Malcolm Buckley defended the trip to the 17th century Greenwoods Spa hotel in nearby Stock, saying, “By holding discussions away from the council offices we can look objectively at issues at hand. We were working until 9pm or 10pm. You can’t expect people to drive home at that time.” No? Plenty do. (Source: The Sun, Jul/06)

TODAY THE USA - TOMORROW THE UK
Police officers in Spotsylvania, Virginia, are being told to bed prostitutes to prove they are breaking the law. Detectives visited a massage parlour four times and accepted all the extras on offer. Sheriff Howard Smith stood by the move that allows his men to indulge themselves by saying, "It is not for pleasure. Only single officers do the job." (Source: Metro)

SPUD PRICE RISE
The price of a bag of chips is to rise due to a poor potato harvest. David Tomlinson, Scottish spokesman for the National Federation of Fish Friers, believes a rise is enevitable and due to the weather. He said, "Last year was a bad harvest because the rain came at the harvest end instaed of the beginning. This damaged the crop. There was a shortage of potatoes so prices went up." A spokesman for the National Farmers Union added, "Simple laws of supply and demand will operate, increasing prices in bad years when supply is low." However, he failed to explain why, when there is a glut, crops are ploughed back into the ground in order to keep prices artificially high.

THOSE WHO CAN, DO - THOSE WHO CAN'T, TEACH
GCSE student, Katie Merchant, achieved an A* in her mock Latin exam, the highest mark possible, but lost marks on one question because her answer was too sophisticated. Teachers warned her she would be similarly penalised in the real exam. Her Brighton College headteacher Richard Cairns said examiners were often marking papers in subjects they did not know a lot about, so he warned his pupils to expect to know more about the subject they were being tested in than the examiner.

He said exam boards reward the highest marks for prescriptive answers containing key words, which means a pupil who displays originality is penalised. After consultation with Oxford and Cambridge the college is reducing the maximum number of GCSE's pupils can take from 10 to 9, and making time in the curriculum for critical thinking. (Source: The Sun, Jul/06)

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