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SURGERY NEEDED AFTER SEX WITH HEDGEHOG
Zoran Nikolovic, from Belgrade, Serbia, needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice. He said the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation but he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated. A hospital spokesman said, "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis." (Source: Ananova, Oct/06)

POLICE GET PROTECTION FROM SECURITY GUARDS
The Surrey police force is hiring security guards to protect its headquarters. Four guards are based at its Mount Browne HQ in Guildford where about 900 constabulary employees work, including the Chief Constable, Robert Quick. A police authority spokeswoman said the guards were being employed to "enable officers not to be distracted from their general policing duties" in line with guidance issued by the Association of Chief Police Officers. If the police can't protect themselves it just about says it all. (Source: BBC News, Oct/06)

WANKER RUNS FOR SHERIFF
Rick Magnuson, a candidate for the position of Sheriff in Aspen, Colorado, has run into controversy because of an art video he made of himself which shows in masturbating into a hole in the ground. In the film, Magnuson can be seen digging a hole in the ground in the Mojave Desert, then he appears to masturbate into the hole. Magnuson says he doesn't understand why the video has become a campaign issue. Well, what's one more wanker? (Source: Metro, Oct/06)

DON'T CALL KIDS NAUGHTY
Annette Mountford, chief executive of the parenting organisation, Family Links, claimed that parents should not call their youngsters 'naughty' because it damages their self-confidence, and that children's self-esteem is run down by such branding, even if they are behaving badly. Parents must not shout at their youngsters and should only call their behaviour naughty, rather than saying they are naughty themselves. She said misusing the word can affect the "mental health" of both the child and the subsequently guilt-ridden parent. (Source: Mail on Sunday, Oct/06)

COUNCIL SHEEP
Bosses at Havering council, based at Romford, Essex, have spent £10,000 in a bid to establish who baaed like a sheep during a planning meeting. They forked out the sum over the last 12 months on a 300-page report into the bizarre incident but the chief suspect is no longer a councillor and therefore cannot be punished. A council insider said, "This is absolute madness. We've wasted a load of money and a lot of time on a councillor who baaed like a sheep, and we've got absolutely nowhere." (Source: Mail on Sunday, Oct/06)

JAILED FOR FARTING IN COURT
A man has been jailed after breaking wind in Blackpool. Joseph Wildy was led to the cells after farting in the town's magistrates court. He had been told to apologise after being heard laughing with his co-defendants about his flatulence but he refused and was jailed for contempt of court.

He returned to court 90 minutes later and said sorry to Magistrate Simon Bridge. A court spokeswoman stressed it was the laughter, not the bodily function, that led to Wildy being put behind bars. Wildy, from Blackpool, pleaded not guilty to handling stolen goods and was bailed to reappear at a later date. Let's hope he doesn't have a curry the night before. (Source: Sky News, Oct/06)

THE CSA WANTS IT'S POUND OF FLESH
A father has been sent a bill for more than £60,000 from the failed Child Support Agency, even though he has always supported his son. Tony Brown has regularly contributed to the upbringing of his 13-year-old son Ross, and says the boy's mother, Vicky Aubery, has always been happy with the arrangement.

She has not taken Mr Brown to court nor made a claim to the CSA, which is being axed amid accusations of bureaucratic incompetence. Officials told Mr Brown he must pay £62,625.08, accumulated since August 1994, within a week or face bailiffs. It also said he must make child maintenance payments of £99.45 a week.

A spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions said, "The CSA is tracing those who have long avoided making contact. We do not need a mother to make a claim, either. If she is drawing benefits then a claim will automatically be started." Ms Aubery said, "I was claiming Income Support after Ross was born but have been working for several years now."

She added, " I have never made any claim to the CSA. Tony and I have never discussed money. He sees Ross every week and buys him what he needs. The arrangement works for us. The CSA says they are acting for the sake of children but if they make Tony pay this, it will be Ross who loses out. I wish they would leave us alone." (Source: Mail on Sunday, Oct/06)

GRAN WRECKS CLAMPER'S VAN
Theodora Loizou, an 81-year-old gran, got her own back on wheel clampers by grabbing a lump hammer from her car and wrecking their van. She flipped after complaining to the parking firm about an £80 release fee, only for a second team to arrive and demand £100.

Theodora, who claims her car was clamped even though it was in her resident’s bay, fetched the mallet after being ordered to pay up or face a £325 bill for having the car towed. As a crowd gathered she smashed the van’s windscreen and then its headlights. The damaged vehicle had to be carted off on the clampers’ own tow truck.

The clampers had swooped after spotting her tax disc was two days out of date. Theodora explained she was on her way to buy a new one but they refused to show mercy. Police were called and although Theodora was not arrested she could face court. Clamp firm IS Traffic Management said, “It’s par for the course, we get about five smashed windscreens a month.” (Source: The Sun, Oct/06)

COUNCIL GOES CONKERS
Worthing Council is paying to strip conker trees bare in order to prevent insurance claims. Officials fear locals’ windows will be broken as children throw objects into the trees to loosen the chestnuts. The council is paying contractors £100 per tree to remove them and leave them on the ground so kids can still play conkers.

The bill at Tarring Park, in Worthing, Sussex, is set to run into thousands. Peter Whish, the council’s “Tree Officer”, said, “We’re basically saving the council some money. One resident regularly has her windows broken in her conservatory by people throwing things into the tree. There was a good conker crop so she gave us a call early and we were able to respond.” (Source: The Sun, Oct/06)