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POLICE INTELLIGENCE
Police on 999 calls were told to keep noise down or face legal action after officers were accused of making life intolerable for neighbours of a new £4million police station. Councillor John Warmisham threatened to call in environmental health over siren complaints from the mainly elderly residents in Salford, Greater Manchester. Councillor Warmisham said, "Officers need to be aware they are now based in a residential area." So there we have it folks, we now know how highly Councillor John Warmisham rates the intelligence of the police officers in Salford.

21st CENTURY BRITAIN
Pensioner Ivy Allen starved to death because her council home had no letterbox so her pension could not be delivered. Ivy was penniless and had barely drunk or eaten in the last three months of her life. There was not a scrap of food in the house when her emaciated body was found. None of the welfare agencies, nor her 10 children or 30 grandchildren were aware of her plight.... more >>>

£1M, FOR WHAT?
Big Brother millionairess Jade Goody failed to honour a £16,000 pledge to help take sick and dying children on holiday. The Caudwell Charity, which hoped to give the children and their carers the trip of a lifetime to Disneyland Paris, called in lawyers in an attempt to get the money from the star. As well as the £16,000 she also pledged £6,000 for soccer tickets - meaning she owes a total of £22,000. But the charity has still not received a penny despite a string of letters and phone calls asking politely for the cash. Jade's agent said, "It's all in hand. Jade will be paying the money. The problem arose because Jade changed her phone numbers. It is in the process of being dealt with now. As far as I know there haven't been any legal proceedings." Jade owes £4,564 to transport company Lewis Day who used to ferry her around in chauffeur driven cars and £4,000 to the owners of stables near Stevenage, Herts, where she keeps a horse. She has not paid up despite requests and was recently fined £600 for car offences. Jade, who has amassed a £1million fortune since her BB3 stint.... Hang on a minute. How the hell has Jade Goody amassed £1million?

SCARED SOHAM KILLER
Ian Huntley is demanding £15,000 compensation after being attacked in jail. And the child killer has already been granted £2,500 legal aid to sue prison bosses he said should have protected him. Huntley had two cups of boiling water thrown in his face by a fellow prisoner and he wants to press assault charges as well as holding prison chiefs to account. A source at top security Wakefield Prison in Yorkshire said, "Huntley was calling for a lawyer before he was calling for a doctor. He sees it as an ideal opportunity to earn cash."

A jail source said, "According to Huntley, the wardens are responsible for his safety and it's all their fault. He seems to have forgotten the reason he gets attacked is because he is an evil bastard who took the lives of two little girls. And the only reason he is on the hospital wing is because he is too scared to be with the prisoners in the main area. He winds other prisoners up with his cocky attitude." A High Court ruled that Ian Huntley must spend at least 40 years in jail. His father predicted, "Given the slightest chance, he will commit suicide." Give him the chance.

Hundreds of thousands of pounds are being spent every year to stop Ian Huntley killing himself and he could be moved to a cushy new wing to help build his confidence. A team of prison officers have been ordered to watch Huntley at all times of the day and night costing £450,000 A YEAR to the taxpayer. He complains that prison officers keep him awake at night by shining a torch in his face. A Home Office spokesman said, "We have a duty of care to all our prisoners and ensure their safety." Shame about their victims. (Source: Sunday People, May/06)

VASECTOMY OR CASTRATION?
Ian Huntley is now demanding a vasectomy in a bid for freedom. He believes the operation could help win him parole because it will prove he has no interest in sex. But a vasectomy does NOT affect a man's sex drive. Hell do it anyway, without an anaesthetic. Better still, castration might be better. (Source: Sunday People, Jun/06)

POLICE EMERGENCY
A police motorcyclist rushed Cherie Blair's passport to Heathrow Airport after she forgot it as she set off on a trip in her private capacity as a barrister. The officer of the Diplomatic Protection Group (DPG) used blue lights and sirens as he sped from 10 Downing Street to Heathrow, where Mrs Blair was boarding a plane to Istanbul. Richard Barnes, a member of the Metropolitan Police Authority, said, "The fact that the Prime Minister's wife had mislaid her passport does not constitute an emergency. It appears the Metropolitan Police is now providing a private service to the Labour Party." A Downing Street spokeswoman said, "We have nothing to say on the matter." True to form.

PAY AS YOU DRIVE
Drivers could pay up to £1.34 a mile in "pay-as-you go" road charges under new government plans. Transport secretary Alistair Darling, said the charges, aimed at cutting congestion, would replace road tax and petrol duty. Every vehicle would have a black box fitted to allow a satellite system to be used to enforce the toll, with prices varying from 2p per mile for driving on a quiet road out of the rush hour to £1.34 for motorways at peak times. No mention of how much the 'black box' will cost.

Professor Garel Rhys, of Cardiff University's Centre for Automotive Industry Research, said, "The key is trying to introduce those tolls without affecting the flow of traffic, that is, not having to stop and pay at a booth which caused congestion itself. Also you have to be careful with the precise pricing, you don't want to divert traffic off the major highways onto "rat runs" which are free." You believe any will be free?

CALL TO BAN POINTED KNIVES
A&E doctors are calling for a ban on long pointed kitchen knives to reduce deaths from stabbing. A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings. The researchers say legislation to ban the sale of long pointed knives would be a key step in the fight against violent crime. But if these knives are available, people will always find a way to obtain them, like guns. Why not just ban their manufacture? Along with screwdrivers, scissors, knitting needles, etc.

LEGAL AID
Footballer El-Hadji Diouf was given legal aid to fight a charge of spitting at a fan, despite earning £40,000 a week. Why? A Teesside Magistrates Court spokeswoman confirmed the footballer had been given legal aid, which is now known as a representation order, and will mean his legal costs are paid for by the state. She said the reasons are that he is a French-speaker and so could not defend himself and, if he is convicted, magistrates would have to consider making a football banning order which could put him out of work. She said they could not take money into account when making the decision. So what that he's bloody french? He can afford to hire an interpreter FFS!!!!

POLICE ARE ABOVE THE LAW
PC Daniel Swain was answering an emergency call when his police vehicle was in collision with a car and then smashed into a house. His Derbyshire police colleagues investigated the accident in Shuttlewood, near Bolsover, and the Crown Prosecution Service decided to prosecute because the patrol car's "black box' data recorder allegedly showed he was doing 90mph in a 30mph area. In court, prosecutors offered no evidence against PC Swain and he walked free the black box from PC Swain's car was "no longer in existence". The driver of the other car involved was charged with careless driving.

AID GOING TO WASTE
Hundreds of tons of British food aid shipped to America for Hurricane Katrina survivors is to be burned because US red tape is stopping it from reaching evacuees. Nato ration packs, the same as those eaten by British troops in Iraq, have been condemned as unfit for human consumption.... more >>>

MAIL ORDER PORN IS BANNED
The High Court has ruled that adult-only porn videos and DVDs cannot be sold in the UK by mail order. Lord Justice Maurice Kay and Mr Justice Newman said "R18" sexually explicit recordings had to be sold in person in licensed sex shops. They said the aim of the law was to stop the material falling into the hands of children. Of course over-18s won't supply kids, like they do now with alcohol and fireworks, will they?

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