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CASH NOT WANTED
Fares on the Tube and London buses are set to rise by up to 33% in 2006, making them the most expensive in the world. Tube fares on pre-paid Oyster cards, however, will fall to encourage people to use the cards. Mayor Ken Livingstone said, "Too many people are paying cash, causing long queues. Our aim is to speed up the whole system."

THE DIFFERENCE MONEY MAKES
Three-year-old Romeo Beckham was rushed to hospital after having a fit for the second time in two months. David, and Victoria, accompanied by a nanny and three minders, drove him there after he was taken ill. His dad carried him into the children's emergency unit at Madrid's La Paz medical centre, where doctors examined him straight away. Following tests, he was given the all-clear after two hours and sent home to rest. A nanny and THREE minders? So much for wanting their kids to grow up normally. And note how doctors (plural) 'examined him straight away'.

NOW THERE'S A SUPRISE
The Government has failed to get off the starting blocks in its attempt to reduce civil servant numbers as the public sector continues to grow. In the first 15 months of Gordon Brown’s efficiency drive to cut 84,150 jobs from the Civil Service, the total number of full-time equivalent Civil Service jobs has fallen by only 1,000.

NO SANTA
Bosses at Birmingham's famous Bullring shopping centre have banned Santa, in case he offends non-Christians. A spokeswoman said, "We wish to be sensitive to people of other religions over the festive period. There are a lot of people in the region who are not Christians and do not celebrate Christmas." What country is this again?

RESEARCH
Scientists observed gorillas in a remote Congolese forest using sticks to test the depth of muddy water and to cross swampy areas. "We've been observing gorillas for 10 years here, and we have a case of them using detached objects as tools," said Thomas Breuer, from the Wildlife Conservation Society. A gorilla pokes a stick in the water and it's a carpenter.

RUN OF THE MILL SACKING
Mike Donovan, a top executive at Marconi, oversaw the sackings of 20,000 people but when he found himself surplus to requirements he did not depart in quite the same way. His exit left him some £7.2 million better off. His payoff included two company cars, £15,000 of private health insurance, £175,000 relocation allowance and shares worth some £2.6 million. Just before he and Marconi parted company, Mr Donovan also cashed in shares for £3 million. Marconi denied that the settlement was unusual.

KENT SNOBS
Simon Cowell angered locals while filming 'The X Factor' in Bayham Hall, near Tunbridge Wells, Kent. Villagers became offended when the he parked his limo outside the stately home, so much so that they plastered "get out of town" notes all over the windscreen. An insider said, "It's a small community around Bayham Hall and they like things done their way. They didn't like seeing this car parked day in and day out on the drive." Being prosecuted for criminal damage would really spoil their day then.

A BUM DEAL
Romanian police stopped Petronela Brandus as she tried to get off a bus after other passengers said they saw her steal a mobile phone. After a search failed to find the phone, police decided to call the number to see where it was and heard a muffled ringing coming from under the woman's dress. She was taken to a local police station where a strip search by female police officers revealed she had hidden it up her arse. Officer Madalin Taranu said, "We've had people hiding things in their knickers before, but this was a new one. The station doctor extracted the phone and we sprayed it with disinfectant before handing it back to its owner."

GONE TO BLAZES
Planning chiefs ordered a fire station's wall to be rebuilt because it was the wrong shade of red. After delays, the new wall looks exactly the same as the old one. The work was part of a delay-hit project to build a £6million fire station in Gateshead which is still unfinished. A council official stopped brickies building the 20-metre long, six-metre high wall because under planning rules it had to be made from dark red bricks. The ones they were using had a hint of orange. Secretary Ken Walters, secretary of the Tyne and Wear Fire Brigades Union, slammed the privately funded building project. He fumed, "If they can't even guarantee to use the right bricks then what guarantees can we have for fire safety?" The project's building firm Jarvis paid for the rebuild, saying it had made an "oversight".

ROAD RAGE
A truck driver was nearly killed when a road rage thug hurled a rock through his window. The motorist sounded his horn and flashed his lights after getting stuck behind Tony Purkis's lorry at roadworks. He then overtook in his Mercedes, slammed his brakes on and gestured at Mr Purkis before speeding off. The driver then pulled on to a bridge over the A14 near Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk, and hurled the rock as Mr Purkis drove by. Police were looking for a man in his 20s with dark hair. Can't be many of those about!

INFERIOR TOYS
A family's children are banned from playing in their front garden because their toys are an eyesore. The parents received a complaint from housing association, Golden Gates Housing, that their front garden in Warrington was unsightly. Andrew Oates, of Golden Gates Housing, said, "We are committed to improving our estates."

STRANGE IDEAS
Artist Mark McGowan's plan to keep a car running every day for a year to highlight air pollution was condemned by campaigners. His previous plan to highlight water wastage, ended when Thames Water threatened him with legal action after he left a tap running at a gallery for a month, while water shortages were forcing it to consider a hosepipe ban.

BAD DESIGN
Architects designed a new £1.7million police station made of glass for Britain's gun crime capital, Nottingham. Police asked them to draw up new plans fearing gun gangs in the St Ann's area might target the building.

KIDS TODAY
An 11-year-old boy appeared in court charged with driving a 140mph BMW in the dark without lights. Police patrol officers pursued the BMW 528i when they saw its lights were off. After ordering the car to stop they found the driver could hardly see over the steering wheel. He told them he swapped his £100 off-road mini motorbike for the car with a 25-year-old man. Prosecutor Clare Roberts told Basingstoke youth court, "He told police he knew how to drive and said although he had not put the lights on he was prepared to avoid anyone who stepped into the road." He didn't speak during the 20-minute hearing, but afterwards he swore at a court reporter and shouted, "Why don't you just get out of my face." He then left the court, smoking a cigarette, with his mother.

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